Why I need to know what happened

I found a a great website that has helped enormously. It has a healing library with lots of useful articles written by people who have suffered from infidelity and betrayal. With the help of the healing library I wrote this to my husband who was on a business trip:

I know that you are feeling as much pain and hurt as I am – your guilt and shame about the hurt you have both inflicted on me is bad for you. I understand that you wish you had never got so involved with her and that you just want it all to go away. I even believe that you really do love me deeply and have realised this is the last few weeks, at the very expensive mistake of an affair with her.

I can understand your anxiety and fear about me knowing everything that happened between you over the last three and half years. I know you don’t want me thrusting your affair in your face repeatedly, and I can understand that it is hard for you to look at the things that led you to hurting me in this way. And I can see that whilst she doesn’t mean anything to you now why is it such a big issue for me? And I can see that you can’t understand why I seem to be torturing myself with details constantly – and how frustrating it is for you. But I would like to try to help you view this through my eyes so that you understand what is driving this “need to know” feeling.

You and her were there, together. There is no detail of your affair that you don’t know about. You have all the pieces of the jigsaw and you are able to reconstruct them and understand the whole picture, the whole message, the whole meaning of your involvement with her, what it means to you both, if it affects your life with me and whether she continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools and the knowledge. You can move through this period in your life with a complete picture of what happened between you both. If you have any doubts then at least you are carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to answer questions or arrive at conclusions to your questions. You carry all of the knowledge that can help you understand OUR reality in the place we find ourselves. There isn’t any information of pieces of the puzzle that you don’t know about or have in your mind.

My perspective is this – what has happened affects both of our lives equally. Whatever the outcome - hopefully positive - but whatever is it will affect us both going forward. Our future and our present situation is as every bit important to me as it is for you. So I don’t feel it is ok that I am not in possession of the same information as you both are.
Painful as it is for both of us, I need to know about this affair that has nearly destroyed us as you and her already know. Just as you can, I am able to interpret the meaning of certain things of the affair, and just as you know, I feel I deserve to be given the opportunity to really understand what nearly destroyed our marriage.

We can’t assume I can move forward and accept everything at face value – its unrealistic for me. And if it feels unrealistic then I doubt we can feel “complete”
I am struggling to understand the affair with her in the same context as you. I can’t understand the jigsaw and it makes me feel disoriented and confused. I expect you wonder why I can’t see the affair the way you do? You might feel that all that has happened is insignificant because you know it was a big mistake, but at the moment how can I know that? I want to believe this completely that it was a big mistake, but until I know what was truly going on in your mind and heart I can only work with the information I have………and slowly over time rebuild my trust in you and your feelings. I really really do wish this bit was easier.

So…..there it is, as best as I can put it. That’s why I ask questions and where my need to know comes from. It stems from a desire to pull our world back together, not from jealousy, spitefulness and most definitely not to make you suffer, although sometimes you must get the idea that it is….I only feel as angry as I did on Sunday because you lied again to me. This need to know comes from the fact I love you very much – why else would I put myself through this?