The Devastation

My husband categorically stated that he wanted to make things right with us, despite having an affair with someone he didn't really want to be with, nor like. Of course I struggle with that - then whats the point of what he did, all this damage, this breakdown of trust between us, this deceit and betrayal, if he didn't want to even be with her? What is the point?

During the course of the rest of 2007 we had many challenges - not least because I am unsure if I want to spend the rest my life with this man. I started to journal my feelings at this time:

I am devastated by what he has done, and by his early ongoing lies (trickle truth) and denial. I am also distraught at the way he treated me whilst he was having a relationship with the whore.

I am afraid of his capability to totally destroy me emotionally. Like so many others who have been betrayed, I could never believe that the man I loved so deeply and who told me he loved me deeply would hurt me so much, so consciously and apparently so deliberately. I am utterly devastated that two human beings (I use that term loosely) could impart so much pain on another. I am truly destroyed that the man I thought was my hero could consciously inflict such agony on me. How does that work? You continually declare your love for your wife, your life partner, your trusted and intimate confidante and then set about destroying them. I cannot understand that.

I am hurt at his betrayal, his lying, and his involvement with that whore. I hate that my needs from our marriage were put behind his priorities. I hate that he spent hours talking to her on the phone, having lunches with her, just being with her and yet could hardly bring himself to be civil to me sometimes. I hate that he neglected me emotionally and I hate the effect that his selfish behavior has had on me. I feel it has changed the person I was and my once precious marriage may never ever be as precious again, because he invited her in and kept her there as a back stop just in case. I hate that he tried to push all the blame everywhere else to justify his contemptuous actions.

I hate that he was completely two faced about infidelity when my sisters’ husband was unfaithful, that he supported my poor distraught sister and he couldn’t see/admit/acknowledge to hmself that he was treating his wife in exactly the same way as my sisters’ husband was treating her. And for that he called him a bastard. Well who is the bastard really? Who is the liar and the cheat? My husband.......