The Cheaters Manual

THE CHEATER'S MANUAL

"I love you, but I'm not 'in love' with you."
Translation: I'm all hot over a new piece of ass.

"I never meant to hurt you."
Translation: How the hell did you find out?

"We never had sex."
Translation: Because you have no real proof, right?

"They meant nothing to me."
Translation: I'm hoping this will mean nothing to you.

"If I wasn't happy I would have left you along time ago."
Translation. I'm gonna cheat on you as much as I can until you catch me and then I'll say "I don't know why I did it"


"We're just friends."
Translation: I always screw my female friends"

"It didn't mean anything."
Translation: I am a selfish lying bastard.

"It's over, I ended it."
Translation: Oh oh, now I am really f*cked.

"Please stop asking me about it."
Translation: So I can keep it going as long as I want.

"You have to start trusting me sometime."
Translation: I really need to see the Other Woman - NOW!

"I felt unloved."
Translation: I have the biggest, neediest ego of anyone in the world.

"This has been the darkest period of my life."
Translation: And MY feelings are SOOOO much more important than yours.

"She's really nice."
Trans: Oh god, please don't tell anyone I was involved with an ugly marriage wrecking whore"

"Face it, none of this would have happened if not for the OTHER problems around here."
Translation: There is NO WAY I am going be accountable for my actions. Never have been, never will be.

"I KNEW you'd get a spy on me."
Translation: Your snooping is SOOO much worse than my cheating and lying. Alternatively: I hate that you outsmarted me.

"Let's try to work this out together."
Translation: But you do all the work, ok sweetie?

"We can work this out"
Translation: It's no big deal to me and I'm basically over it, so why don't you just get over it too.

"I don't want to lose you"
Translation: I didn't know what you were really worth until you threatened to leave me- now I'm scared.

"I had a weak moment"
Translation: I give in very easily to sexual advances.

"I can change"
Translation: I don't really know what I mean by that, but it sounds good.

"I promise it won't happen again"
Translation: I broke a promise once already- but I think I mean it this time.

"People make mistakes"
Translation: This mistake can easily be compared to other mistakes such as forgetting a birthday or mixing colours with whites in the laundry.

"Let's start over"
Translation: I'm out of excuses, so just forget about what I did and let's move on.

"I can earn your trust back!"
Translation: If by tomorrow you haven't given full trust back to me, I will be very upset at your snooping around and second guessing me all the time.

"Her name and any information about them isn't important"
Translation: I still care for them and don't want you to do anything to tick them off.

"Are YOU cheating on ME?"
Translation: I quite possibly have in the past or currently am cheating on you.

"We're just friends"
Trans: who also happen to have amazing sex along with a deep emotional connection.

"I need YOU"
Translation: The possibilities of her staying with me are slim and I need somebody.

"I'm not sure how I feel about them. I don't know if I want to be with them or you"
Translation: I eat lots of cake. I'm a cake-eater. I want the excitement of them and the stability of you - so I am keeping you in a constant state of limbo so that I always have you to fall back on if this new thing doesn't end up working out. Think of yourself now as my backup plan, but don't complain about it.

"It's only happened 10 times this year."
Translation: I'm either addicted to sex or have very low self esteem and quite possibly very little respect for you or myself.

"We used protection every time."
Translation: We should probably both get checked for STD's.

"Our relationship has been really rocky lately."
Translation: Working on this with you would require too much work on my part, so I went shopping for someone new instead.

"Things are different since we started having children."
Translation: You couldn't get back to a size 10 one week after having our children.

"You're so angry and sad all the time now."
Translation: I'm not supportive of the feelings you're having as a result of my betraying you.

"I needed some space- you were smothering me"
Translation: I'm immature and cannot handle the responsibilities of being an adult- My personal wants and needs are the only thing important to me at this time.


"I feel so drawn to him/her."
Translation: . . at the pelvis.

"You need to recognize how torn I feel."
Translation: It's hard to juggle 2 people, stop pressuring me to uphold my wedding vows.

"You just have to trust me!"
Translation: Cuz I ain't never gonna tell you the truth.

"If you would have been a better wife I would have never done anything like that."
Translation: I am selfish and still would have done it, because I'm an arse.

"You are so paranoid!"
Translation: Don't pay close attention to me, you might catch me again.

"I won't call her again!"
Translation: I will erase each call from my mobile so you won't know about it.

"I never meant to hurt you."
Translation: I thought I was so careful that you would never find out.

"She doesn't mean anything to me, it was very impersonal."
Translation: My whore thinks I'm going to leave you and be with her forever.

"It didn't have anything to do with you or your personal appearance"
Translation: I was bored and tired of the same old piece of arse and needed something different and exciting.

"I am refocused, recommitted, reconnected, I've found levels of love I never knew existed before"
Translation: I knew this would KILL you so I figured it was better to lie. I took you for granted and now that I've been snitched on, I have to save my arse from being homeless, family-less, lifeless.

"But I was never leaving."
Translation: I was just going to screw her as often as possible.

"Ask me anything you want to."
Translation: I am not going to volunteer anything you haven't figured out.

"What makes you think I am cheating on you?"
Translation: Oh shit, what do you know?

"I wanted to stop before you found out."
Translation: But I figured you were so thick that you wouldn't ever get it.

"I am so tired from work - I didn't even get to eat lunch today."
Translation: Nope, saw the whore instead at the local motel.

"Have I ever lied to you?"
Translation: Let's see how much you have figured out.

"I know the affair was wrong but our marriage was in trouble way before it started."
Translation: (1) There is no way in hell I’m taking the blame for this or being accountable for my actions; (2) I was justified to disregard your feelings and our family to get the sex and attention I needed on the side; (3) If I can convince you that you’re at fault, you’ll stop talking about it and I can go back to seeing my lover.

"NOW I'm telling you the truth."
Translation: I'm still lying but I thought if I threw the word 'NOW' In there, it would fool you.

"But I was never leaving "
Translation: I was just going to screw her as often as possible.

"I don't remember."
Translation: I'll pretend whatever just to save my sorry ass.

"I was scared"
Translation:.. You caught me and I'm so surprised I can't come up with anything better right now.

"I thought you didn't love me anymore."
Translation: I sabatoged our marriage so I could rationalize my affairs.

"She didn't get anything out of me but sex."
Translation: See, I'm smarter than you think.

"I never thought of her when I was home."
Translation: I never thought of YOU when I was away from home!

"It was a stupid mistake. it's in the past."
Translation: I did what I really wanted to do but it was a bad mistake that you found out about it. so just deal with it.

"She's a nice person."
Translation: She gave me undivided attention because I have a needy ego that needs to be stroked hourly.

"She was 'nice'."
Translation: She did whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, for as many years as I wanted, no matter how stupid she was for doing it.

"She made me feel good."
Translation: I fell for all the bullshit she said about how perfect I was.

"I never stopped loving you."
Translation: I have enough "love" to go around./ alternate: I don't love anyone but myself.

"She admired me for someone who made her happy."
Translation: She is so stupid and she doesn't know how f*cked up I am yet.

"She made me feel the way you haven't for a long time"
Translation: Unlike you, she is a low life sl*t who expects no respect, no commitment, and no responsibility from me in return.

"She admired me for someone who made her happy."
Translation: She has no clue how selfish I really am.

"You can't tell me who I can be friends with."
Translation: If I dump her, and you dump me, who is going to take care of me?

"you keep on making this just about yourself."
Translation: I am a Sociopathic Narcissist.

"I didn't want to lose you."
Translation: I will dick your life around as long as I can and lie, lie, lie to get what I want at your expense

"If I had known how much it would hurt you, I would never have had an affair."
Translation: I wonder how the hell you figured out I was having an affair.

"You don't make a decision to start an affair; it just happens."
Translation: I cannot believe I got caught.

"We're just friends!"
Translation: So that makes it O.K!!

"You did not support me"
Translation: You were too busy taking care of the house and kids to give me the attention I needed.

"I was lonely."
Translation: So instead of coming home to be with my family I took time away from you to f*ck someone else behind your back.