Jabba's Report Card

English:Is unable to articulate very much at all. Limited conversation and vocabulary. Overused phrases include "so where is this going", "Is there a future for us" "my boyfriend is being mean to me" "my ex-husband is being mean to me" "no-one at work likes me" Limited comprehension skills. Lacks imagination with written work, despite being a fantasist. Recent examples examined include an inappropriate poem to her boss, and and advertisement to rent a room in her property. Very poor E-


Maths Her only interest appears to be around how much money she is able to obtain through her dubious personal relationships. Clearly she is able to make anything add up, and believes fervently in her own very flawed methods and processes, which prove to be non-valid upon scrutiny. F

Art Is no oil painting. Lacks ability to improve a poor canvas. Distinct inability to embrace fashion and design, including soft furnishings, Is not keen on restoration and cleaning soft furnishings. E

Economics. Very poor understanding of APR - or Annual Percentage Rate. Has a belief that 29.5% APR is a good credit deal particularly when secured against main residential property. Possibly does not appreciate the value of a good credit rating. Has no feel for the economic climate, demonstrated by buying a house at the height of the market which has now reduced by 30% in the current climate. E

Drama. Insists on playing the victim and does this reasonably effectifvely. Is also very good a creating implausible stories to try to improve the perception other peoples have of her. Imagination runs riot and appears to have only one script. Needs to try much harder in the costume and make-up department. Failing that, being cast as the back half of a donkey at the next downmarket panto would be realistically the best this person could ever hope to achieve. F

Information Technology. Can send texts from her mobile phone, although it is unclear just how many recipients are actually stored in her address book, given her inability to network in a professional manner. Limited content, usually of no substance or value. E

Geography Her principal understanding is that all roads lead to a cheap hotel. And also beleives that if you are in a foreign country no one will have a clue what you are up to. Studies limited to the inside of hotel rooms and the motorway network of South East England. Unclassified

History Clearly she does not learn lessons from any historical events, and continues to bluster through countless inappropriate projects that add no value to anything. Has difficulty grasping factual information concerning people, places & dates. E

Citizenship Has absolutely no concept or understanding of this subject. Has no morals nor remorse. And very likely, never will. Unclassified

Personal, Social & Health Education. Needs to focus on personal hygiene. Spraying cheap perfume covers nothing up. It still makes you smell cheap and nasty. She needs to vastly improve her social skills with people other than those who may be perceived as "an easy ride" "a meal ticket" or "a future financier for as long as he can tolerate my lying and deceitful ways". Developing feelings for a "fuck-buddy" always proves to be fallible, particularly if they are married with children. A special mention must be made regarding her complete and utter disregard for her own health and that of others who may risk contamination from her by primary or secondary contact. Unclassified.

Science In chemistry it transpires that she has no substance, which means has no composition nor properties. If there was any substance it would be classified as acid. Her biology study has been entired focused on one elements - the male human lower body. A suggestion to improve dramatically in this subject would be to focus on a specialism such as "immunology" or "parasites".
In physics it is apparent that a detailed study of optical physics may open her eyes to the damage she is capable of incurring. A toxic result. Unclassified

Overall Comments on the Report

It is clear that this student serves no purpose and adds no value. It is suggested that she seeks psychotherapy urgently to help her understand in better detail her worthlessness and the low opinion that others have of her. She is a very needy person and sucks the life out of people who have the misfortune to become involved with her. She should be very very aware of something called "The Karma Bus". She sets the bar very low and consistently fails to achieve it.