It is interesting when I look back at my marriage now truthfully - I KNOW in my heart that I was very happy with it. It wasn't perfect - who's is. But I nor it certainly didn't deserve the treatment we got.
My husband has a knack of somehow re-writing the past so that he can justify (in his own mind, non of what he did is actually justifiable in any shape or form) his involvement with the skanky whore. It's part of the self delusion process that adulterers go through.
Few people believe that a marriage could have been happy before infidelity, but they are usually the ones that lack emotional intelligence (the skanky whores mother told me there must have been something wrong with my marriage - there was, I replied, my husband was incapable of keeping his trousers on when presented with your whore like daughter's come on).
But it is a fact of life, that infidelity does happen in happy marriages.......
If my husband was so miserable in our marriage, why did he not tell me, why did he not end our relationship and start a proper, open, honest one with the skanky whore?
I think the truth is this:
He did not want to lose our marriage and relationship, he did - somewhere in himself - recognise it was the best thing that had happened to him
He did not want to invest in a relationship with the skanky whore - she was just there for sex when he was away from home
He was a cake-eater - he wanted his cake and to eat it too
He had no courage to take permanent steps to curtail his affair
Actually, the problem isn't in the marriage, it with the person who is unfaithful - it is their inability to be open, honest and believe in the promises they made. And their ability to create a web of deceit and lies that they wholesalely buy into. To be faithful to your partner takes restraint. Many people who are unfaithful in their marriages are because they think they CAN. To cheat is to be devoid of morals and caution - at least for a time. I think both of partners in the affair allow each other to behave this way - in other words, the ratf*ckers feed off each other.
The other side of this - I do grieve the loss of aspects of our marriage pre-affair. I will never be able to trust my husband in the same way. I will always work in "stealth mode" when I feel I have to. I will never be able to trust him with my deepest thoughts, aspirations, hopes and joy. Because I can't let him have me 100% ever again. There will always be a little bit that I hold back.
And thats sad, because before this happened, I was never like that, nor felt I had to be. And thats what I grieve most about my marriage.
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I'm with you in feeling that grief - but I also really resent what my husband's infidelity has done to me as a person. It's turned me into a sceptical, suspicious paranoid, woman who has lost confidence in just about every area of her life.
ReplyDeleteEverything he says or does gets run through the infidelity sensors.
He can tell me he loves me one day - but I need to hear that again the next, and the next and the next.
What makes me so angry is that this is such a waste of my life. I'm not getting any younger and I should be enjoying life, not bracing myself for the next hurt.
Everyone's situation is different. In our case, I have to admit that our marriage was not perfect before he strayed - but then, few 30+ year marriages are. And I accept that we had some communication problems.
We've both learned a lot from this - about ourselves and each other. I just wish we were at a stage where it didn't still hurt so much.
The hurt is just awful, but time does help to heal that. I am not nearly as angry as I was in the immediate aftermath of my discovery, although like you, everything gets run through the infidelity check. I hate that about myself but can not, or will not allow myself to be so vulnerable again. I really couldn't cope with the pain.
ReplyDeleteTime really will heal the majority of your pain, I'm almost 3 years out now and feel much better in myself. An upside of this process (if ever there could be one) is that I am much more knowledgable about myself and my own boundaries - and I no longer feel like a doormat. I value myself much better than I ever did.