She's not Me!

I read something the other day that got me thinking about my husband & Jabba the Slut and what drove their behaviour.

It would appear that my husband had feelings of inadequacy and low self esteem. In order that he "felt better" about himself he chose a person that:

He did not have any feelings for her
He could use her at any time without a conscience for her feelings
Who herself had no self respect so could never call him on his behaviour
She temporarily relieved his feelings of insecurity by being inferior to him


She was ugly inside (and out). I know this - bright, attractive, smart, decent women don't need or want married men. They already have their pick of bright, attractive, smart SINGLE men. Married men won't approach these smart attractive women because they know they'll rebuff them. They know these women can do better...so what's left in the available pile are the loser women...women who are so hard up, they'll screw married men and vice versa.

She was an opportunist - like a shop-lifter. She saw a man who had a nice life with his wife, who cared and loved his wife. She wished that she had that. So, she decided to go after him, flatter him and then work on his vulnerability, like a vulture.

She had no problem with her pride, she had her ego-fixing sex with him and wanted a future that she could only ever dream of, because every man she has ever been with realises at some point when they see her for what she really is, that she is not worth investing in. Who she hurts along the way does not matter, She wants what she wants.

She is someone with no boundaries, no morals, no consience or character. Someone with no self respect/ esteem. Truly, someone to take pity upon.

Grieving the loss of a happy marriage?

It is interesting when I look back at my marriage now truthfully - I KNOW in my heart that I was very happy with it. It wasn't perfect - who's is. But I nor it certainly didn't deserve the treatment we got.

My husband has a knack of somehow re-writing the past so that he can justify (in his own mind, non of what he did is actually justifiable in any shape or form) his involvement with the skanky whore. It's part of the self delusion process that adulterers go through.

Few people believe that a marriage could have been happy before infidelity, but they are usually the ones that lack emotional intelligence (the skanky whores mother told me there must have been something wrong with my marriage - there was, I replied, my husband was incapable of keeping his trousers on when presented with your whore like daughter's come on).


But it is a fact of life, that infidelity does happen in happy marriages.......

If my husband was so miserable in our marriage, why did he not tell me, why did he not end our relationship and start a proper, open, honest one with the skanky whore?

I think the truth is this:

He did not want to lose our marriage and relationship, he did - somewhere in himself - recognise it was the best thing that had happened to him

He did not want to invest in a relationship with the skanky whore - she was just there for sex when he was away from home

He was a cake-eater - he wanted his cake and to eat it too

He had no courage to take permanent steps to curtail his affair

Actually, the problem isn't in the marriage, it with the person who is unfaithful - it is their inability to be open, honest and believe in the promises they made. And their ability to create a web of deceit and lies that they wholesalely buy into. To be faithful to your partner takes restraint. Many people who are unfaithful in their marriages are because they think they CAN. To cheat is to be devoid of morals and caution - at least for a time. I think both of partners in the affair allow each other to behave this way - in other words, the ratf*ckers feed off each other.

The other side of this - I do grieve the loss of aspects of our marriage pre-affair. I will never be able to trust my husband in the same way. I will always work in "stealth mode" when I feel I have to. I will never be able to trust him with my deepest thoughts, aspirations, hopes and joy. Because I can't let him have me 100% ever again. There will always be a little bit that I hold back.

And thats sad, because before this happened, I was never like that, nor felt I had to be. And thats what I grieve most about my marriage.

Thought for The Day

Take back your life, heal yourself. Get revenge by being happy with yourself. Stand proud and say "You did not break me, I will survive and I will come out of this better than I went in"

Why People Cheat

Everyone says affairs happen because of:

Boredom in the marriage or
They are unhappy at home or
They think they will find never-ending-happiness with their affair partners or
Thers is something wrong in the marriage or
Any other number of lame excuses.

There are 9 REAL reaons why people cheat:


They are immature
They are insecure
They are selfish
They are stupid
They *think* they are having a mid-life crisis
They are mentally ill
They have poor boundaries
They have poor or no morals
They are co-dependent

So he had an affair?

F*cked a piece if sh*t he worked with. Screwed a stupid whore from the office.

You're so not worthy of me. You know something - I just became the kind of woman I want to be.

Thought for the Day

Icing on a dog turd, still makes it a dog turd.

Thought for the Day

If he's shagging you in the parking lot but not taking you to the prom - you are being used.

A thought on life through the infidelity lens

Sometimes the blind trust I had for my husband astonishes me, knowing what I know now about him.

I was far too trusting, although one wonders why I shouldn't be with my life partner. I was way too accepting of what he said and did, driven by that blind trust. I didn't see his lies. I believed naively that he would never, could ever hurt me in this way. I never saw his faults, I never questioned his loyalty, I assumed it was a given.

But now, through the infidelity lens, I see him stripped bare. I see his flaws and weaknesses, I see him struggling to be the man he wants to be, rather than the one he is - the adulterer. I see him trying to make things right with me and I see him desperately trying to shed the pervading odour of the other woman from our lives.

Where has this clarity come from? Because I now see him from a step removed from were I used to see him. I now see him through clear lenses, without that blind trust.
More than anything I question myself. I look back on his infidelity and wonder who the hell I married. More than that I check my own judgement on a daily basis.

At the moment, reconciling my head and my heart is work in progress, although I am a long way down the track.

Seeing my husband and marriage though a different lens is very constructive and I am now starting to be able to enjoy and invest in our relationship again. He too is invested in our relationship and I am enjoying that immensely. We go places together, just the two of us, for lunch or a drink or dinner. We take walks in the evening for half an hour or so after we get home from work - quality time together, no interupptions, sharing our day. We enjoy each others company and our sex-life is very fulfilling.

What has made this possible for me? I view my life with him through the infidelity lens and never ever let blind trust run away with me.

A Look Back at Anger

When I found out about my husband's affair, I had many emotions surging through me.

The strongest was anger. The anger came a few months after I found out. In the first few weeks I was numb with shock and disbelief, thinking that we could never reconcile, I spent days crying, sorry for our lost marriage and relationship, and sad too that our children potentially would no longer be with both parents, as I believe is their right.

Then I got angry, with him and with her.

The anger turned my brain to alphabet soup. I struggled to do even basic things. The best place for me was in my car, driving, where no one could touch me, or speak to me. I feared my anger. It was like something I had never felt before.

Why was I angry? I was angry with both the infidels.

My Husband. I was angry at his weakness in being taken in by her. I was angry that he broke his marriage promises to me, I was angry at how little he thought about the impact of sleeping with a loose tart from the office would have on his families security. I was angry that his immaturity let him think that he could do this and get away with it. I was angry that he appeared to be actively working against our marriage to pursue something that "made him feel good" yet with someone for whom he appeared to have no feelings for.

Jabba the Slut. I am angry with her because she is predatory. She has done this before. She knowns no better. She has not learnt from her mistakes. She hides this personality disorder behind her haughty ways, her sense of entitlement and her underhand behaviours. I am angry that she encouraged my husband knowing from her past experience what the outcome could be. I am angry that she lies continually to get her own way. Hell she couldn't even tell her so called fiance the truth - he had to call my husband to get the truth.

I was angry with myself. For trusting my husband so implicitly. For believing him when he told me I was the love of his life, for not noticing the signs earlier, for not challenging him hard enough when I suspected him in those early days. And I was angry for a time, that I was unfortunate enough to be married to him.

I think that my anger was necessary, I needed an outlet that really let my husband know how I felt about what they had conspired to do against me.

The anger built up over about 5 months, as he trickle-truthed the facts because he was so ashamed of what he had done and moreover, who he had done it with. A serial marraige wrecker.

The more I found out about her, the more angry I became with her. I channelled my anger towards her, after all I had made a heartfelt committment to my husband that we would attempt to reconcile and anger towards him was not helping our recovery.
The anger towards her was encompassing. It turned to hatred. I wanted everyone to know what she had been party to, and I set about trying to damage her and her already poor reputation further. Anger drove behaviours and feelings that I had never felt before. I think back and I am horrified at the things I wanted to do to that woman. There was no respite. Almost every waking hour was consumed by my anger towards her. It kept me awake at night. When I slept, I dreamed that dreadful things would come her way.

I know my anger has dissipated significantly. But I do know this. I see infidelity as cowardly, agressive and arrogant by the people who perpetrate it. And that makes me angry still.

Eventually, though other outlets are needed because the continued feelings and expression of anger is destructive. My anger, although recognised as necessary actually extended our recovery time, for it caused both of us to withdraw from our recovery initially as it impeded on our ability to communicate with clarity.

I am working with my husband with this - he is being hugely supportive and can empathise with the anger stage of our journey. He too feels angry, mostly with him self for being weak and arrogant.

What Healthy Love Isn't

Healthy love isn't a secret
Healthy love doesn't deceive anyone
Healthy love doesn't leave you in a state of confusion
Healthy love doesn't cause resentment
Healthy love doesn't have you 'waiting, just in case'
Healthy love isn't bits and pieces of your partners time
Healthy love doesn't have you lower your expectations

Before Infidelity .....

... I was safe in my own home

... I trusted everyone, especially my husband implicitly

... I never thought I could be utterly demoralised

... I was much less cynical

... I thought I understood the world and my place in it

... I never thoguht I would have to put to test "for better or for worse"

... I never thought another woman could be so f*cking selfish to the detriment of another and her children

... I never knew I would have to analyse my husband so forensically

... I never knew I was such a good detective

... I never realised that some people have issues that they don't even know they should attend to and that they are blind to their faults

... I never realised that I had an amazing strength to be able to cope with infidelity

... I didn't know that I could be so angry and feel so much hate that I wish that the other woman dead on a daily basis

Thought for the Day

People lie; Phone records do not

Thought for the Day

♥ Wine improves with age. The older I get, the better I like it. ♥

Transparency & Clarity

So, my Husband is going away again on business. To Europe, for 4 days.

He tells me that there are four people going - 3 men and a woman. Immediately I am looking for the "old" language. "The Team", "The Guys".... and I watch him intently as he tells me so that I can sense any discernable habits of old.

I ask who is going and immediately file the womans name in my brain. Something I will, I know be listening out for in future conversations.

He tells me that his flight is leaving at 8am, meaning he will have to leave the house at 4am, so would I mind if he spent the night before at the airport hotel. The others are doing so.

I take a big breath and I say to him that I have no issue with him spending the night before at the hotel, there is only one condition attached. I do not need to tell him what it is. He already knows. But I do tell him so that it isn't an unspoken thing between us, leading to conjecture and doubts later. Clarity and Transparency are all too important in this journey.

He holds me and tells me that he understands.

Today I am thankful for

My youngest daughter who turned 12 and the look of excitement and happiness on her face was priceless

My eldest daughter who is a fantastic human being and is developing a wonderfully dry sense of humour

An old friend from a long time ago, who has always been there in the background for me and will continue to be an inspiration

My husband for his remorse, his consideration and his love for me

My counsellor - she rocks!

Dear Other Woman - Here are some truths

Why would a single woman want to get "involved" (I use the term loosely) with a married man? Why would you want the crumbs from my table - does so little attention and pseudo affection make you feel worthy and complete? Does receiving that attention from a married man think you are something so special? You are not special. You are the worst form of conniving cheating female that my husband ever had the misfortune to find under the slimy stone he rolled over.

Marriage is tough. If you get involved with a married man you only get one side of the story - his. First and foremost he was trying to get into your pants, so he would have told you anything you wanted to hear. If he seriously wanted the complications of a relationship of any sort he would have stayed at home and worked on his marriage.
He wanted no-strings attached sex from whoever he could get it from, whenever he was travelling with his job, when he felt "lonely". In this case,the only available option was you.

No matter what he told you, or what you managed to fabricate in your deluded pea-like brain - we were still making love all during the time you were trying to get him to commit to you. We have a great sex life and none of that diminished at all during his affair.

Despite you we still did lots of things together, we were connected and we were planning our future together. In other words, as far as we are both concerned, you did not feature.

I would love to have been a fly on the wall to hear the lies he told you so he could get in your pants - hear this now:

He did not fancy you particularly
He thinks you are a spoilt brat
He thinks you are moody and manipulative
He realises that you are not professional in your work
He sees you for what you are - a low-life loser

Thought for the Day

Unconditional love does not mean unconditional crap absorption.

What was the cost?

Not the financial cost of course. But the real cost of a decision taken lightly, a choice not thought out, a passing notion that flattered his ego and provided a transient cheap thrill.....

His cheating cost him his self-respect and his pride. He is living in his own hell, seeing the pain he inflicted on the ones he loves, by making those choices in 2004.

He has lost his wife as she was - the one that was open, honest and warm. The one that had unfaltering trust, devotion and respect for him. The wife that used to be me.

Thought for the Day

Never make someone a priority for whom you are only an option.

Jabba's Report Card

English:Is unable to articulate very much at all. Limited conversation and vocabulary. Overused phrases include "so where is this going", "Is there a future for us" "my boyfriend is being mean to me" "my ex-husband is being mean to me" "no-one at work likes me" Limited comprehension skills. Lacks imagination with written work, despite being a fantasist. Recent examples examined include an inappropriate poem to her boss, and and advertisement to rent a room in her property. Very poor E-


Maths Her only interest appears to be around how much money she is able to obtain through her dubious personal relationships. Clearly she is able to make anything add up, and believes fervently in her own very flawed methods and processes, which prove to be non-valid upon scrutiny. F

Art Is no oil painting. Lacks ability to improve a poor canvas. Distinct inability to embrace fashion and design, including soft furnishings, Is not keen on restoration and cleaning soft furnishings. E

Economics. Very poor understanding of APR - or Annual Percentage Rate. Has a belief that 29.5% APR is a good credit deal particularly when secured against main residential property. Possibly does not appreciate the value of a good credit rating. Has no feel for the economic climate, demonstrated by buying a house at the height of the market which has now reduced by 30% in the current climate. E

Drama. Insists on playing the victim and does this reasonably effectifvely. Is also very good a creating implausible stories to try to improve the perception other peoples have of her. Imagination runs riot and appears to have only one script. Needs to try much harder in the costume and make-up department. Failing that, being cast as the back half of a donkey at the next downmarket panto would be realistically the best this person could ever hope to achieve. F

Information Technology. Can send texts from her mobile phone, although it is unclear just how many recipients are actually stored in her address book, given her inability to network in a professional manner. Limited content, usually of no substance or value. E

Geography Her principal understanding is that all roads lead to a cheap hotel. And also beleives that if you are in a foreign country no one will have a clue what you are up to. Studies limited to the inside of hotel rooms and the motorway network of South East England. Unclassified

History Clearly she does not learn lessons from any historical events, and continues to bluster through countless inappropriate projects that add no value to anything. Has difficulty grasping factual information concerning people, places & dates. E

Citizenship Has absolutely no concept or understanding of this subject. Has no morals nor remorse. And very likely, never will. Unclassified

Personal, Social & Health Education. Needs to focus on personal hygiene. Spraying cheap perfume covers nothing up. It still makes you smell cheap and nasty. She needs to vastly improve her social skills with people other than those who may be perceived as "an easy ride" "a meal ticket" or "a future financier for as long as he can tolerate my lying and deceitful ways". Developing feelings for a "fuck-buddy" always proves to be fallible, particularly if they are married with children. A special mention must be made regarding her complete and utter disregard for her own health and that of others who may risk contamination from her by primary or secondary contact. Unclassified.

Science In chemistry it transpires that she has no substance, which means has no composition nor properties. If there was any substance it would be classified as acid. Her biology study has been entired focused on one elements - the male human lower body. A suggestion to improve dramatically in this subject would be to focus on a specialism such as "immunology" or "parasites".
In physics it is apparent that a detailed study of optical physics may open her eyes to the damage she is capable of incurring. A toxic result. Unclassified

Overall Comments on the Report

It is clear that this student serves no purpose and adds no value. It is suggested that she seeks psychotherapy urgently to help her understand in better detail her worthlessness and the low opinion that others have of her. She is a very needy person and sucks the life out of people who have the misfortune to become involved with her. She should be very very aware of something called "The Karma Bus". She sets the bar very low and consistently fails to achieve it.

Report Card for Wife whose Husband had an affair

English: Has an excellent understanding of the English Language and is easily able to decipher fact from fiction. She has grasped the fundamentals of creative speaking and has even added a raft of new words to her vocabulary. Her levels of comprehension can make some people gasp such is her unique insight. She is always able to articulate her thoughts and feelings well. A+


Maths: Knows that 1+1+1 does not equal two. Is able to detect very quickly what does and does not add up. Understands division and subtraction but is not keen on these operators. A-


Information Technology: Has an outstanding appreciation of this subject and uses all available methods to the best of her ability. During 2007 she focused on security and hacking as her specialist subject and excelled in all aspects. She has devised several robust methods of data management and information mining . A+

History: Excellent result. Understands that no matter what, history cannot be changed. She has very clear recall for people, facts, dates and places, and can easily spot other peoples errors when trying to recount historical facts. A+

Art: Excellent spacial awareness and appreciation of size & shape. Has spent some time studying the fictional work "The Whore of Huntingdonshire - (rotund and dumpy). Her focus is generally black and white, which has been stregthened by her recent exposure to people who appear to have a more colourful but superficial perspective. A

Geography: Has absolute clarity around boundaries and direction. Can easily read maps. Spent some time studying the habitat of the species known as the "serial marriage wrecking whore" but realised this was a subject that held no particular interest and was actually very very boring.
Has a particular understadning of the geogrpahical term "Fault". Whilst not her strongest subject, she has taken a keen interest in most aspects of human, physical and regional geography. B+

Science: Excellent. Has completed a comprehesive study of human physiology and psychology with amazing results. Has also demonstrated excellent experimentation with various alcoholic liquids with varying outcomes. Has improved her use of practical aids such as the "lie detector". She has spent an inordinate amount of time developing her olfactory senses and is now easily able to detect bullshit, and cheap nasty perfume. A+

Drama: Whilst not a subject that she relishes, she has been able to cope admirably with the challenging curriculum. She has made great progess with her personal expression and her ability to improvise/think on her feet. She does not like being a victim. B+

Economics: She decided to take this subject up as an extension of her innate ability with mathematics (see above). She has done a great deal of work on cost analysis, has developed sophisticated spreadsheets to support statistical analysis and has thoroughly uncovered the vagaries of non-budgeted expenditure. A special study has been completed on GNP - not Gross National Product, rather, Grungy Nasty Person. A+

Overall a very capable student who has the capacity to excel in any future projects. Has a good brain for retaining facts and figures and can hold her own in debate.

Report Card for Husband Whilst in Affair

English: Has struggled with comprehension for a very long time. Finds it difficult to ascertain the difference between a truth and a lie, however this makes for some fairly impressive story telling capability. What lets him down is that he struggles at times with his vocabulary and overuses the phrases "I don't know" "I can't remember" "I made a huge mistake getting involved with someone like her" and "I never meant to hurt you" C+

Maths: He is always creative with his numbers - for example 1+1 almost never adds up to 2 when the formula is investigated. He is working very hard on trying to get things to add up even when they never will. He has failed to embrace this subject. A very poor effort. D-

Information Technology: Has grasped the basics of this subject, particularly the ability to send numerous text messages to unsuitable recipients, and emails loaded with innuendo. However his ability to really understand the power of the technology, the importance of security to avoid hacking or other means of disclosure. Would suggest that he reviews his need to continue with this topic going forward. D-

History: He has not grasped the importance of history and has a fundamental misunderstanding that you can change history easily, with little or no detection. He has not used his basic knowledge of history as a learning tool. Working more closely with his wife has developed a greater appreciation of the subject. A word of warning, those who don't learn the lessons of the past are often more susceptible to be repeat offenders. C+

Art: Very poor. Has no concept of recognising the difference between a masterpiece and a very bad fake. Unclassified result

Geography: Has deteriorated in this subject in the last 4 years. Once had a stunning sense of direction and purpose which has been significantly eroded by fraternising with someone who had little or no interest in successful outcomes unless there was a personal financial incentive. C+

Science: Very poor, particularly with biology where it appears he does not know his arse from his elbow. Has made some inroads in chemistry, but would be much more successful if he stopped wasting his time with inanimate beings.
Fails to grasp the basic concepts of "density" "single bond" "substance" or "zero tolerance" and "disease management". In physics he needs to understand that "magnetism" is not something that describes his personality. D-

Personal Social & Health Education: Has absolutely no concept of appropriate social intercourse, due to lack of understanding of what boundaries are. Others do not trust him around a certain type of female. He fails to grasp the importance of health issues in relationships and also has a lack of understanding of "how people should be treated" Failed miserably : Unclassified result

Overall Improvement Plan

A very poor report that can only be improved if he discontinues his association with the unsavoury character he seems to have become involved with. It is sad to see such a promising individual lose concentration on the important things in his life. With some hard work, self analysis and wholesale refocus on the important aspects of the curriculum he could once again be considered a worthwhile person.

Names I called my husband

In my most angry phase (probably up to about six months after I discovered the affair) I had some choice names for my husband. Thought it would be cathartic to share:


Asshat - for having his head stuck so far up his a*se

Skankf*cker - self explanetary

Sh*t for brains

F*ckwit

F*cktard

Upbringing

Was it the way he was in his childhood that made him the man he is today?

Our upbringing and the example set by our family forms the foundation of our belief systems, thought processes and self-esteem. It teaches us how to handle conflict and strife, and how to interact with loved ones. Applying this to my own husband's upbringing certainly sheds some light on the possible reasons "why" he had an affair.

Here are some clues - escapist behavior, deceptive behavior, hiding activities and interests, suppressing emotions, lying by omission, avoiding conflict. Most people go on to develop more effective coping skills, and gain better perspective and insight to their own self-worth as they become adults.
In times of stress, fear or unhappiness, however, is it common to revert to these childlike beliefs?

These things do not excuse my husbands choice to have an affair - as a responsible adult he should have recognised that the choice was wrong whilst still committed to a marriage/relationship with me.

A test for all responsible parents

Hands up all those responsible parents who would advertise on the internet, a room in their house to rent, where they have their 11 year old daughter resident there?

Are her values and responsibilties to her child so screwed, and is she so desperate about keeping up appearances with her unaffordable materialistic so called assets that she is willing to compromise the safety of her OWN CHILD?



Sheesh - my husband had a very lucky escape.

Habitual Liars

If he lied to me, he lied to her. Not kind little white lies. Big Big Lies.

And she probably lied to him, given her dysfunctional approach to a meaningful life.

What she thought was real, wasn't.
What she thought she could have, she couldn't.
What she thought he was saying, he wasn't
What she perceived him to be, he wasn't.
What she thinks she is, she isn't.
What she thinks of his life with me, it isn't


A life built on the futile lies of another liar.

Positive things from my Husband

I am so sorry for what I have done. I love you

I want to put it right and show you how much I love and care for you. I want to rebuild our marriage. She will not turn me. I want to be with you.

We can survive what I have done. I will show you that I can be the husband you thought I was before I got involved with that psycho bitch, I want us to be together.

New names for the "other woman"

As you know I have a deep dislike for the individual that my husband had the misfortune to invite into our marriage. Something that in retrospect will cause him much regret for a long time. Not least because of the pain it has caused, but also because he is mortified that he even had any kind of association with her.

She had a number of disparaging nicknames from her work colleauges, many of whom had the foresight to see what a scheming little bitch she was - unlike my stupid husband.

So I got to thinking about what I might call her, should I have the misfortune to find her sliming across my path in the future:


Jabba the Slut (my personal favourite!)

C*mdumpster

Serial Marriage Breaker

The Dirty Dishrag

The pot-bellied pig

Monday Fishmarket

Nasty Hag (alternative use of her initials)




And just a little Valentines Verse for Jabba, from me with feeling:


Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
You were so skanky in bed
He didn't choose you


Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
You're so sick in the head
You belong in the zoo


Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
I know that one day
This will happen to you

Getting away with it?

Do unfaithful partners "get away with it" if they are not discovered, or if reconcilation is an option?


I don't think there are any winners with infidelity, only losers. And no-one gets away with it - even when it remains undisclosed.

The perpetrator has to live with the guilt of their actions, and the pain of their partner if the affair is discovered. They have to live with the accusations, the transparent way they have to live their lives, in order to regain trust and have to face anger, despair and hate from their partners daily - even if the affair actually meant nothing at all to them. They now have to live a life that has no privacy, and is totally transparent and open to question at all times to rebuild trust, honesty and integrity in the marriage. All that pain for no gain.

I think that if most unfaithful partners really thought about the consequences of their choice to have an affair, a great majority would not do it. They have to live with themselves afterwards, and it is almost impossible to face themselves in the mirror, without feeling shame and emnbarrasment knowing that they have hurt the one person they loved the most.

I know that my husband is in agony when he looks in my eyes and and realises that he got away with precisely nothing, that he gained precisely nothing, that he lost precisely everything and that he will carry the shame of causing the deep, severe and lasting pain in our relationship for ever.

What have I learned?

I was thinking about what I have learned from my experience of infidelity. I am sure that as time moves on there will be more positive learnings (and almost certainly as a result of the programme I am undertaking with my counsellor). But a few things sprung to mind in the last few days about what I learned so far:

That I would find it difficult to trust another human being unconditionally (I reserve unconditional trust for my two children)

Always always always trust my gut instinct - better for the instinct to be wrong, than to banish it completely and then face devastation some time down the track.

That no matter how much you try to understand someone else's problems, if they are not receptive, nothing you do or say matters.

That I lost myself to make someone else happy, and in the end, infidelity was my reward.

That no-one will ever truly have my heart again, that there will always be part of it that won't be invested.

That the very person who promises to look out for you, care for you, nuture you and protect you is often the first person who falters.

I learned that in the effort to make my husband comfortable, I compromised myself.

Not Faultless

You know I look in the mirror every morning and know that I am not even close to faultless. But I wouldn't treat a flea the way you treated me. I have much more respect for people than you will ever have. It seems like you apply a double standard to everything in your life - including infidelity.

You think your transgressions are not as bad as the transgressions of anyone else. Thats because you have a sense of entitlement, like your whore.
The word “infidelity” is defined as any violation of the mutually agreed-upon rules or boundaries of a relationship, and is a breach of faith in an inter-personal relationship. It’s not limited or dependent on sex or intimacy with the whore – it’s dependent on breaking your bond with me. And being in an affair with a serial marriage wrecker is about you not upholding your values. In fact I would say this to you - you set the bar low and consistently fail to reach it. You certainly set the bar low with her. Any lower and you might have found yourself in a farmyard looking longingly at the pig-sty.

You wanted to have an affair to give yourself some crazy external validation. Having a happy family life, good wife, enough food and drink, a comfortable loving home, and wife who adored you clearly didn't give you the validation you so clearly needed and felt entitled to.

I'm going to tell you what you and your affair looks like from here:

Chances are you chose each other because you are both stupid and believe all the sh*t that regularly poured out of each others mouths. You made yourself available because instead of putting in the work here, you thought it would be much easier to just deceive your wife and kids. She hung onto your every word like some f*cking retard. Oh remind me again, she IS a f*cking retard. You are both mediocrities, useless pieces of human waste.

You are both more interested in getting your egos stroked than actively contributing to the happiness of your collective children and significant partners. You both put your shallow neediness ahead of your children. Like everything else in your pitiful lives, when the going gets tough, you trash it and bomb it until it is no longer. You are both spineless and gutless and such a waste of space. Whats the matter with you - do you prefer to be with a no-hope c*mdumpster than nurturing your children?

Neither of you are well hidden enough under the slimy rock you both crawled from - you are both totally transparent. Everyone sees you for what you are. Oh yes Mr Smartarse - YOU think everyone thinks you are a fine upstanding man. A man that cherishes his wife and family. A man of principles and morals. A man who is respected. Well let me tell you this - none of that is true. Not now.

And another thing - why are you mortified about who and how many people know about your bad behaviour, Hell you should be putting your back into regaining my trust and loyalty, not worrying about who the hell knows what a scumbag you really are. Loser.

Isn't it pathetic that you, the one person that should be covering my back, protecting ME, is the one that I now have to protect MYSELF from.

Listen to this you pair of lying cheats - I have seen your true colours, I have seen what worthless piles of steaming excrement you are, I have seen what your stupid fantasy life is made of - but you know something - I WILL not let you bring me down. I deserve better than to have such toxic crap in my life. I am DETERMINED to find the person I was before, before you two toxic tw*ts decided to live a life of fantasy and destroy our marriage.

F*cktard

The Cheaters Manual

THE CHEATER'S MANUAL

"I love you, but I'm not 'in love' with you."
Translation: I'm all hot over a new piece of ass.

"I never meant to hurt you."
Translation: How the hell did you find out?

"We never had sex."
Translation: Because you have no real proof, right?

"They meant nothing to me."
Translation: I'm hoping this will mean nothing to you.

"If I wasn't happy I would have left you along time ago."
Translation. I'm gonna cheat on you as much as I can until you catch me and then I'll say "I don't know why I did it"


"We're just friends."
Translation: I always screw my female friends"

"It didn't mean anything."
Translation: I am a selfish lying bastard.

"It's over, I ended it."
Translation: Oh oh, now I am really f*cked.

"Please stop asking me about it."
Translation: So I can keep it going as long as I want.

"You have to start trusting me sometime."
Translation: I really need to see the Other Woman - NOW!

"I felt unloved."
Translation: I have the biggest, neediest ego of anyone in the world.

"This has been the darkest period of my life."
Translation: And MY feelings are SOOOO much more important than yours.

"She's really nice."
Trans: Oh god, please don't tell anyone I was involved with an ugly marriage wrecking whore"

"Face it, none of this would have happened if not for the OTHER problems around here."
Translation: There is NO WAY I am going be accountable for my actions. Never have been, never will be.

"I KNEW you'd get a spy on me."
Translation: Your snooping is SOOO much worse than my cheating and lying. Alternatively: I hate that you outsmarted me.

"Let's try to work this out together."
Translation: But you do all the work, ok sweetie?

"We can work this out"
Translation: It's no big deal to me and I'm basically over it, so why don't you just get over it too.

"I don't want to lose you"
Translation: I didn't know what you were really worth until you threatened to leave me- now I'm scared.

"I had a weak moment"
Translation: I give in very easily to sexual advances.

"I can change"
Translation: I don't really know what I mean by that, but it sounds good.

"I promise it won't happen again"
Translation: I broke a promise once already- but I think I mean it this time.

"People make mistakes"
Translation: This mistake can easily be compared to other mistakes such as forgetting a birthday or mixing colours with whites in the laundry.

"Let's start over"
Translation: I'm out of excuses, so just forget about what I did and let's move on.

"I can earn your trust back!"
Translation: If by tomorrow you haven't given full trust back to me, I will be very upset at your snooping around and second guessing me all the time.

"Her name and any information about them isn't important"
Translation: I still care for them and don't want you to do anything to tick them off.

"Are YOU cheating on ME?"
Translation: I quite possibly have in the past or currently am cheating on you.

"We're just friends"
Trans: who also happen to have amazing sex along with a deep emotional connection.

"I need YOU"
Translation: The possibilities of her staying with me are slim and I need somebody.

"I'm not sure how I feel about them. I don't know if I want to be with them or you"
Translation: I eat lots of cake. I'm a cake-eater. I want the excitement of them and the stability of you - so I am keeping you in a constant state of limbo so that I always have you to fall back on if this new thing doesn't end up working out. Think of yourself now as my backup plan, but don't complain about it.

"It's only happened 10 times this year."
Translation: I'm either addicted to sex or have very low self esteem and quite possibly very little respect for you or myself.

"We used protection every time."
Translation: We should probably both get checked for STD's.

"Our relationship has been really rocky lately."
Translation: Working on this with you would require too much work on my part, so I went shopping for someone new instead.

"Things are different since we started having children."
Translation: You couldn't get back to a size 10 one week after having our children.

"You're so angry and sad all the time now."
Translation: I'm not supportive of the feelings you're having as a result of my betraying you.

"I needed some space- you were smothering me"
Translation: I'm immature and cannot handle the responsibilities of being an adult- My personal wants and needs are the only thing important to me at this time.


"I feel so drawn to him/her."
Translation: . . at the pelvis.

"You need to recognize how torn I feel."
Translation: It's hard to juggle 2 people, stop pressuring me to uphold my wedding vows.

"You just have to trust me!"
Translation: Cuz I ain't never gonna tell you the truth.

"If you would have been a better wife I would have never done anything like that."
Translation: I am selfish and still would have done it, because I'm an arse.

"You are so paranoid!"
Translation: Don't pay close attention to me, you might catch me again.

"I won't call her again!"
Translation: I will erase each call from my mobile so you won't know about it.

"I never meant to hurt you."
Translation: I thought I was so careful that you would never find out.

"She doesn't mean anything to me, it was very impersonal."
Translation: My whore thinks I'm going to leave you and be with her forever.

"It didn't have anything to do with you or your personal appearance"
Translation: I was bored and tired of the same old piece of arse and needed something different and exciting.

"I am refocused, recommitted, reconnected, I've found levels of love I never knew existed before"
Translation: I knew this would KILL you so I figured it was better to lie. I took you for granted and now that I've been snitched on, I have to save my arse from being homeless, family-less, lifeless.

"But I was never leaving."
Translation: I was just going to screw her as often as possible.

"Ask me anything you want to."
Translation: I am not going to volunteer anything you haven't figured out.

"What makes you think I am cheating on you?"
Translation: Oh shit, what do you know?

"I wanted to stop before you found out."
Translation: But I figured you were so thick that you wouldn't ever get it.

"I am so tired from work - I didn't even get to eat lunch today."
Translation: Nope, saw the whore instead at the local motel.

"Have I ever lied to you?"
Translation: Let's see how much you have figured out.

"I know the affair was wrong but our marriage was in trouble way before it started."
Translation: (1) There is no way in hell I’m taking the blame for this or being accountable for my actions; (2) I was justified to disregard your feelings and our family to get the sex and attention I needed on the side; (3) If I can convince you that you’re at fault, you’ll stop talking about it and I can go back to seeing my lover.

"NOW I'm telling you the truth."
Translation: I'm still lying but I thought if I threw the word 'NOW' In there, it would fool you.

"But I was never leaving "
Translation: I was just going to screw her as often as possible.

"I don't remember."
Translation: I'll pretend whatever just to save my sorry ass.

"I was scared"
Translation:.. You caught me and I'm so surprised I can't come up with anything better right now.

"I thought you didn't love me anymore."
Translation: I sabatoged our marriage so I could rationalize my affairs.

"She didn't get anything out of me but sex."
Translation: See, I'm smarter than you think.

"I never thought of her when I was home."
Translation: I never thought of YOU when I was away from home!

"It was a stupid mistake. it's in the past."
Translation: I did what I really wanted to do but it was a bad mistake that you found out about it. so just deal with it.

"She's a nice person."
Translation: She gave me undivided attention because I have a needy ego that needs to be stroked hourly.

"She was 'nice'."
Translation: She did whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, for as many years as I wanted, no matter how stupid she was for doing it.

"She made me feel good."
Translation: I fell for all the bullshit she said about how perfect I was.

"I never stopped loving you."
Translation: I have enough "love" to go around./ alternate: I don't love anyone but myself.

"She admired me for someone who made her happy."
Translation: She is so stupid and she doesn't know how f*cked up I am yet.

"She made me feel the way you haven't for a long time"
Translation: Unlike you, she is a low life sl*t who expects no respect, no commitment, and no responsibility from me in return.

"She admired me for someone who made her happy."
Translation: She has no clue how selfish I really am.

"You can't tell me who I can be friends with."
Translation: If I dump her, and you dump me, who is going to take care of me?

"you keep on making this just about yourself."
Translation: I am a Sociopathic Narcissist.

"I didn't want to lose you."
Translation: I will dick your life around as long as I can and lie, lie, lie to get what I want at your expense

"If I had known how much it would hurt you, I would never have had an affair."
Translation: I wonder how the hell you figured out I was having an affair.

"You don't make a decision to start an affair; it just happens."
Translation: I cannot believe I got caught.

"We're just friends!"
Translation: So that makes it O.K!!

"You did not support me"
Translation: You were too busy taking care of the house and kids to give me the attention I needed.

"I was lonely."
Translation: So instead of coming home to be with my family I took time away from you to f*ck someone else behind your back.

Imagine This........

One of the things that "gets" to me about infidelity is the slow or non-realisation, non-understanding of the pain the adulterous partner causes. During one of our counselling sessions we touched very briefly on how my husband would have felt had the situation been reversed. We did not explore this concept further in the session, but I was keen to place him in my shoes even if it was imaginary, in order for him to be able to empathise. So I wrote him a letter...

I realize that what I want from you is for you to be able to put aside your own embarrassment, shame & guilt long enough for you to try and really understand how I feel and for you to acknowledge those feelings, I want to be able to talk about this massive issue in our marriage in a calm way, but your constant stonewalling of questions, and your standard responses of “she was my friend”, “I can’t remember” and “I don’t know” creates a wall between us.

I really struggle with you understanding the pain I feel about your affair – not just when I found out for certain, but also when I suspected and confirmed that you were involved with her during that 4 year period so I wanted you to think about if the roles were reversed, and how it might feel for you for you to try to get some idea of what & how I feel, that way, you might just be able to understand the things you would want to know to be able to try to reconcile your deliberate and conscious act to destroy me and our marriage.

I want you to imagine my hands, my lips, on another man's body. It's someone you know of. Someone I work with and like and I think is a friend to me. Someone perhaps that you felt uncomfortable about me having a friendship with. Imagine you once even had the courage to tell me that you felt uncomfortable about me liking or working with this man. But I just laugh and make you feel silly when you tell me that, and I look in your eyes and say ”we are just friends that’s all, we work together really well, you know, you would get on really well with him” You believe that, because you trust me, because I am your wife, that there really is nothing going on between us, that he really is just a work colleague and a friend and you accept that we have to work together because he is supporting me with developing business with my clients. You could not imagine in a million years that I would do anything to put our marriage at risk.

I tell you that yes, I think he is a great guy, one of the best I have ever worked with, he makes me laugh, he is amazed at my work ethic and approach, he flatters me, but come on, I'm married to you, we have children together, we are building a beautiful home together, planning our future life and retirement together. You believe me because I am your wife, and you love me and trust me, but you still feel like something is not right. Whenever you bring up your fears I just get annoyed and make you feel bad about thinking something so awful about me. So you decide you're just a tiny bit jealous of the fact that I am so effusive about a work colleague and that your fears are unfounded and unreasonable. And so you stuff your concern and worry deeper and continue to mow the lawn, clean the cars, help with the children, go to work, have holidays, visit family and friends, discuss our finances and plan your future, together with me. I am your wife.

Imagine that once, when I was away overnight with him, on business matters, you were at home with children, helping with their homework, doing the washing, sorting out the bills, emptying the dishwasher, doing all the mundane but necessary, usual, routine, tiring and often boring jobs at the end of the work day - he and I have dinner and drinks. Later, we go to sit in the hotel lounge, close together on a sofa, talking about our lives, families, hopes aspirations, flirting unashamedly with each other and he leans over me to hear something I said quietly and his hand brushes against my face. Suddenly, I turn to him and he is kissing me. I don't mean to respond, but I am flattered that he touches me and appears to want me, and I choose not to stop myself from responding to his touch and his kiss. I do have a choice, I am not been coerced , and I choose to carry on.

I don’t think about you at home, not once, you there with the girls, doing all that mundane stuff. I am excited by the attention he gives me. He makes me feel good. We end up in my hotel room. I never check myself to ask if this is right or wrong. My eyes on are on his. He isn't you. He smells different, feels different, touches me differently, and the next thing I know our clothes are on the floor, he pushes me to the bed and lowers himself onto me and he is inside me. We f*ck all night. I never ever once think about you, or the consequences of what has just happened. The next day, he and I talk about what happened the night before, that it felt good and we enjoyed it, but eventually we say it shouldn’t happen again, it was good but it was a mistake, a one-off. No-one will ever know. No-one need ever know.

Even though our lives are insanely busy, somehow this man and I make time every day to talk, in the office, when we are travelling together, on our mobile phones, telling each other we look good, or smell nice, or we’ve handled a work problem well, flattering each others ego at every opportunity - sometimes you try to call me and I get you off the phone quickly so I can call him, or I don’t miss him calling me.

Not long after he and I have agreed that we shouldn’t have an affair we find we are making time to be with each other whenever we can and work ways of meeting so we can to be together to f*ck. I ask family and friends to have my children when you can’t so I can "work late" and meet him at hotels. I go to lunch with him, just the two of us and never ever mention him or any of this to you. I touch his hands while we talk. Brush against him when we're in a public place, stroke his leg when we are in the car together, teasing him, going to business meetings and wanting them to be over so we can be together, just the two of us, in the car, talking, laughing, enjoying his company. Being his friend. F*cking him because it and he feeds my ego.

But I never ever think about what I might be doing to my life or my marriage, or the devastating effect it will have on you if you ever find out. My saving grace is that I naively think you won’t find out.

Imagine you and I go away together on a holiday – and in the taxi from the airport I receive a lot of texts, which I read and smile about. You ask me who they are from and I say, just the girls from the office and look at you like you are crazy for asking such a question. Later, when I am in the bath, you read those texts, and they are not “from the girls in the office” but from the guy at the office who is my “friend” who I get on with, and who you are now feeling very uncomfortable about.
You also realize that the texts are not the sort that a work colleague, or a friend would send you quite inappropriate – saying he missed me a lot, he was sat at my desk and how good it felt to be sat at my desk, how he couldn’t wait until I was back in the office. Imagine that you ask me about those texts again and I give you some stupid reply that I can’t control what people send to me, and I make you feel really bad for even asking me such a thing. Imagine how you would feel reading those texts, knowing that something is very wrong. But I am your wife, you trust that I wouldn’t do anything wrong with another man, a friend, a work colleague, who I get on with.

Imagine we have another holiday and I am constantly on the phone, canvassing your sympathy because things in the office ”really can’t wait until I get back” in a weeks time. I concoct some story about someone who has discovered she has cancer and you feel sympathetic and think what a wonderful person your wife is, taking time out of her family holiday, because a work colleague is in need. But that story isn’t true, I am in contact with this man. I now need this man to feed my ego, even when I am on holiday with my family. I believe that you will never notice me texting and talking “to the office” because you are so involved with the holiday, sunbathing, reading a book, or being with the girls.

Imagine that, whenever I can, I climb into bed with him and let him hold me and kiss me and touch me intimately and remove my clothes. Imagine my naked body stretched out against his. Imagine having to constantly fight the mind movies where you see the two of us next to each other, together in bed, his mouth on my breasts, his arms around me, laughing together, and me never thinking about you or the girls, acting without a care or responsibility in the world. He makes me feel good in a way that I think you don’t make me feel.

And I am married to you the whole time. I do the same things with you in our bed and you never know, you’re never meant to find out. And when this happens with him, after he has cuddled me, held me, f*cked me, you come home from work and I kiss you and put dinner on the table, and help the kids with their homework, talk to you about normal things and go to bed like absolutely nothing has happened.

Imagine me holding his hand, stroking his face, biting his fingers when enters me, all exactly the same way as I always have with you. And then imagine trying to believe that when I tell you I love you, that I actually do despite the fact that this man is now consuming me completely. Can you believe that I still love you in the same way I always have? Imagine me having an orgasm with this person-- because of the way he licked and touched me and stroked me and made me feel - and then imagine me telling you when I had been found out that I didn't really enjoy it, it was mechanical. You can’t and don’t really believe that it was. Imagine me afterwards, sweaty and naked in his arms, and then try to believe I didn't really have a physical and emotional connection with him. That I didn't really want to do it, that I tried really hard to keep it from happening again and again. Imagine me telling him when I would be away from home so that we could meet, imagine how we both would plan our business trips carefully, so we could be together to have dinner and drinks and to f*ck each other, and then try to believe me when I say I never planned or chose for this to happen.

And all the while you are at home, the compliant husband, worrying about the change in me, worrying that my job was draining me, tiring me out, making me short-tempered and distant with you. You can’t understand what has got into me, you ask me lots of times if I am ok, but I brush you off with silly reasons. I even ask you if you are seeing other people, as a ploy to try to make you feel guilty in a way to help me manage mine – oh yes, I do feel guilty of sorts, but not nearly enough to stop my relationship with this other man, the guilt will pass, as soon as I see him again because I can bury it where no-one will ever find it. After all you are never going to find out. You trust me, You would never believe I could do this to you, that I could be so untrustworthy - after all I am your wife. You truly love me and think I truly love you and that nothing so destructive could ever come between us. You can’t imagine that I actually think I can be this destructive. Imagine you look me in the eyes with love & care but unbeknown to you I stick the broadsword in your heart every time I see this man.

Imagine at times you completely don’t understand my venomous replies to anything you talk to me about. I see the hurt in your eyes but I turn away from you. You don’t realize it is because he is now the centre of my world, He is feeding my ego, and I love the excitement and I love the power I think I have over you both. I almost have no regard for you, such is the strength of my fantasy life with this other man. We are invincible, you don’t count. You haven’t counted for a long time. But I keep telling myself it has to end. I tell myself for four long years. But I can’t. I like the excitement too much and you will never find out. Besides, I think you don’t want me anymore, I have a notion that you don’t love me anymore, you make me feel lonely. I deliberately don’t connect with you or talk deeply with you so I can perpetrate these false feelings I have created to cover my guilt. I don’t ask you about it of course, nor do I ever try to have a conversation with you about our marriage, but I think you will never find out about me and this other man………………….

Imagine me sharing intimate details of our marriage with this man. Imagine I tell him how much money you earn, the car you drive, about our children, our holidays, about the friends we have, about our family and the things you do and say that make me angry. Imagine me telling him things about you that he will later bring back up. He will say your name with disdain, because now he has developed feelings for me and wonders where our affair is going. He wants me to make a commitment to him. I tell him I won’t leave my family, and this is going nowhere, but I still want our affair to continue. As long as he is happy for it to be that way, why does it matter?

He will be annoyed when I tell him that we are doing something as a family. He will start to manipulate me, causing arguments and then wheedling his way back under my skin - but I don’t see that because I am now blinded with the excitement of our affair and I care nothing for you, because I "think" you care nothing for me. And I don’t worry about contraception because he told me had had a vasectomy. So I don’t worry about getting pregnant. And I don’t think about my health because I think he is a clean person, a nice person, a friend, a director of a business, therefore he couldn’t possibly have any sexually transmitted diseases could he? I don’t think about his past partners, I don’t even ask. I never give a passing thought about you or your health either, not once, not ever.

Imagine me waking up in his arms. In his hotel bed. Imagine me on the phone with him or texting him as soon as I leave for work, or you leave the house. Imagine me racing through my calls to you so I can hang up and immediately call him. Imagine me switching my phone off when I am with him, so you can’t get hold of me because I don’t like to upset him by talking to you when he is with me. It kills the moment for both of us if I have to talk to my husband.

Imagine us slipping away from everyone else at the Christmas Party to kiss and f*ck in my hotel room. Imagine that and then try to believe he meant nothing to me. Imagine finding a poem he has given me, hidden away, that I never mentioned to you. Imagine that you smell his aftershave in my car, it’s not yours, and you can’t imagine whose it is, but you ask me and I brush you off with a lame excuse that it could be anybody – I look you in the eye when I say this to you and you believe me. I am your wife.

Weeks later, you smell that same smell again, but this time, you smell it on my blouse in the washing basket. It’s a definitive smell, male, definitely not my perfume. One time, you make love to me and you smell that smell on my skin, near my breasts and thighs and you think the worst, but you don’t mention it because it will cause a problem or even a row between us. I will brush it off again. You start to think that you are imagining things, that you are going mad, but still there is that nagging doubt. But eventually you brush it off, because I am your wife and you trust me. I wouldn’t lie to you, would I?

Imagine that I chose to do this. I now actively encourage our affair, I choose to spend time with him to the detriment of my family, I choose to let him touch me. I choose to touch him, intimately, I choose to kiss him and hold him and make him orgasm. I choose to turn my back on you, I choose to have a secret relationship. I choose to put my energy into spending time with him, and not you. I tell him every day when I see him that he looks good and I fancy him like mad, that I can’t wait until we can spend some more time together. I promise him I will try to stay away from home when it’s convenient for him to be with me. You think I am working, I am conscientious in my work, you know it is important to me. You have no reason not to believe me - I am your wife, you trust me.

Imagine then, you have been watching me and him for months now, checking up on me and you know something is not right. Something is very wrong. You can’t get through to me any more, I don’t appear to be listening to you, I don’t pay you any attention at all. I often don’t answer you when you talk to me. You sense something this wrong. You ask about my relationship with him, and I say we are just friends. You ask me outright if I have had an affair with him and I look you right in the eye and tell you I am not having an affair with him, we are just good friends. Imagine me telling you that it wasn’t what you think. We are good friends, we get on well. We are work colleagues.

But imagine something tells you that you don’t believe what I am telling you. You now start observing me much more closely. You ask me questions and you absolutely know I am lying, because you have evidence of my affair. You catch me out eventually and confront me and I cry. I tell you I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to hurt you because you weren’t meant to find out. I tell you that none of this was planned, that is just happened. That I felt lonely and bored and he filled a gap and flattered me. It made me feel good. But I did all of these things outside our marriage, while coming home to you and being your wife, but I never meant them to affect you. I wasn’t ever going to leave you, or follow through with anything, even when he asked me where we were going, where our relationship was going. He was just such a good friend that I didn’t know how to end it without losing his friendship. Because I think I really really believed that his friendship and our affair was far more important than you and any marriage vows I had made to you.

Imagine that I lie to you about the details at first, I minimize the affair, I minimize our relationship and the length of time it has been going on actually, I don’t minimize it - I just lie more to you because I am now such a consummate liar. I tell you it was not a big deal – we were just friends, but when I find out just how much you know, how much pain I have caused you, I cry and apologize over and over. Imagine I promise it's over. I won't talk to him anymore. I won't have any contact anymore. And I am angry when you won't trust me the same way you did before. I am pissed off with you when you ask me questions and I don’t know how much you really know so I lie and tell half truths, or answer your questions with I don’t know or I can’t remember. I tell you that I didn’t mean to hurt you, that it just happened, and I don’t know why I continued it for so long, lying to you and carrying it on for years. I tell you that you were never meant to find out and that if I ever thought you would find out, I wouldn’t have done all those things to you for four years. Never. And all you want to know is what went on between me and this man, so you can put some context around this destructive thing that I have caused. But to try to push the blame on you, I tell you I thought our marriage was shit anyway – even before the affair. That I was bored. And the affair filled the void, I just didn't tell you what I thought of our marriage before the affair, because it is also a lie, to try to justify my behaviour.

You slowly start to realize that that last 4 years of your life have been a lie. You think back to all the things that we have been through in the last four years and its all a lie. Holidays, family days, good times, ordinary times. You have been here in this marriage all through that time and not known that I could do this to you. Imagine you think you don’t know me anymore, who I am, what I am capable of, why I have changed. Imagine that everything you felt was real and safe is no longer. Imagine that your world crashes in around you.

Imagine that nothing in the last 4 years feels real . You look back at happy times and cannot comprehend the level and depth of my deceit. You look at me and everything feels fake. All the times I have been with you, all the things we have talked about and all the things we have done. All fake. And you just want to start understanding why, because none of this is believable. You can’t believe it. You look at me and you can’t believe I could hurt you this way, your pain is unfathomable. You can’t believe it, because I am your wife, you love me and you trust me. This wasn’t the deal we signed up to. But imagine this horror that I have now created is very real.

You want to know what me and this other man talked about, what we did, when we were together, where we went, but I tell you I can't remember or I don’t know. I tell you it's only about you and me now. Its about us getting back on track and looking forward, not backward. I don't want to see him or talk to him. Imagine you know how long this has been going on, under your nose, and now despite lying to you and deceiving you for a very long time, I'm asking you to believe me now, that it was all a terrible mistake and that I never meant to hurt you, because you were never meant to find out. Imagine that the replies I give to your questions do not heal you, that they build walls for you, not break them down. And you can’t understand why I would do that to you, after what I have already done to you. Imagine I have broken your heart in a most unimaginable way. Imagine that I have had a relationship and jeapordised our marriage for someone who was just a friend, for someone that I thought I got on well with, with someone who did not really care about me or our relationship at all and with whom I consciously conspired to destabilize and even destroy the safe and secure feelings you felt you had in our relationship.

Imagine that you believed that by talking about this, understanding why and how some things happened with that man, it would make you start to feel better, and allow some of the trust to be rebuilt. Imagine if you could help me find a way back in, after everything I did to you. Imagine if every time you asked me about my affair you felt I defended both my relationship with him, and also my treatment of you. Imagine how you might feel and how it might impact on your ability to start to forgive me and trust me again. Imagine that you question everything I say and do, that you no longer trust your own judgement because you failed to see what was going on. That how this infidelity I invited into our marriage, has eroded your belief system, your trust of people and now you have a basic inability to be even warm towards people.

Imagine that you are now hardened to the world with the burden of what happened to you. That two people consciously conspired to deceive and lie to you. The one person that you should be able to rely on - your wife. Consciously conspired to deceive and lie to you, consciously put another man before you. Your wife that made the vows that bind you together - “and forsaking all others”. You can’t accept or even start to believe that your wife could conspire to do this with someone else, who was insignificant, against you, violating you, knowing in your heart who you believed she was and what she stood for. But you were never supposed to find out, and he was just a friend that I got on with.

Imagine that you are now terrified that you can look in my eyes and I can lie to you barefacedly. Imagine that you struggle every day with not knowing where the line between protecting yourself from my lies and my relationship with someone else, and trying to allow yourself to be properly part of the relationship.

The hardest part is that for you, my story is just imagination. But your story is actually my reality. I have to try fight those images and this knowledge every single day. I have to think about all the times you spent with her, building a relationship, f*cking her, flirting and laughing with her, holding hands with her, travelling with her, sharing a bottle of wine with her, sharing secret looks together, planning secret drinks and sex together to fit her kid schedule. And me - trying to believe that none of this was planned. But in reality it was planned and it was conscious and you made it your choice to do this to us. You did it because you wanted to, and you could and you couldn’t see the difference between doing right in your marriage or having the excitement of adultery. And all the time I am your wife, you came home to me for 4 years like nothing had ever happened between the two of you and you lie to me and deceive me and betray me. Every day. Over and over, every single day for 4 years.
I have to try to balance the love I have for you, have always had for you, with knowing that you are capable of hurting and destroying me this way, then burying it all deep for no one to find, and expecting me to pick up the pieces of my shattered life and carry on again to make you feel better, without really understanding what happened to you, to us, in those four years.

I am grateful that I haven't done these things not because I didn't sometimes imagine them or even have the opportunity for them, but because I don't ever want the responsibility of knowing I could ever hurt you in the same way . It truly is beyond imagination. I don't think, even if you tried very, very hard to put yourself in my place, that you could ever really know the depth of my pain. I was so proud of our marriage and our relationship. I was so proud of you and who you were and what we created together. I looked at our children and believed them to be a product of a joint and equal love-filled, committed relationship. I thought we both believed the same things and shared the same goals. I believed we were safe inside our own little bubble, that the difficulties that we sometimes had in our marriage were normal, like everyone else had, and that actually, we had the ability to overcome them, in a loving, adult environment and where we could always find solace from the outside world without anyone else ever being invited to able to intrude on that. I thought you knew better than that. I believed and trusted that you were better than that. I believed so firmly in you, in true love, fidelity, and your honesty.

You're ashamed of yourself and feeling guilty and get mad at me again for bringing it all up, for making you relive it. Because you believe that protecting yourself, is protecting me. But it isn’t. It just serves to frustrate the situation more and builds more walls of deceit. Remember, you agreed to do anything to help us reconcile. This isn't about you and your needs now, you had your time with her to be self serving. This is about trying to understand how I feel, and how you can help me overcome this terrible tragedy you and she caused.

It's not about you. This is where I am. This is why I struggle every day. This is why I am sometimes distant, this is why I cry. This is why I now struggle to give myself to you wholly and completely because between you, you both destroyed something in me. This is why I hate her and want her to feel as bad as I do. I already know that she is damaged beyond repair, that you protected her and encouraged this. That she is happy to settle for bits and pieces of men when it is offered and to use it to further her own needs is the act of a despicable, toxic woman. Allied to that her need to “acquire” someone else’s husband and to be so calculated in yet another marriage breakdown tells me that she will never learn to be a decent human being. She will never be able to enjoy the true delights of a relationship shrouded in love and wholeheartedness, What’s more, she will never deserve to.

To all Married Men looking to Cheat

Saw this and wanted to share....


To all married men looking to cheat:

1. You wife is not the reason your marriage sucks. YOU are. If you spent half as much time paying attention to her as you do as sh*gging someone else your marriage would be a whole hell of a lot better.

2. Yeah, yeah, we've all heard it a thousand times. You're in a loveless marriage. Your wife doesn't "understand" you. First of all, that's probably a lie, because most cheaters are liars too. I'm going to let you in on a little secret - if your wife isn't interested in you, it's because you're not offering her anything that's interesting. Sex with married men gets awfully boring after a while. They do the same boring thing the same boring way every time and they expect you to scream like a porn star. Seriously, you come home from work, totally ignore her while she chases the kids around for hours, makes dinner, does the laundry, blah blah blah, and then you expect her to roll over for another session of boring same-old same-old? When are you idiots going to learn that the best foreplay in the world for a woman is watching you take care of the kids, vacuuming the floor, doing the laundry and appreciating & respecting your wife for what she does. Or how about just listening when she talks? Surely it's not that hard to stop thinking about yourself for five minutes and hear what she has to say.

3.Your children are NOT the reason you're staying married. If you were THAT miserable, you'd leave whether you had kids or not. You obviously don't care enough about your kids to treat their mother with enough respect not to cheat on her, and you don't care about them enough to spend time with THEM instead of some cheap whore from work. There is absolutely nothing honorable about putting your dirty secret sex-life & whore ahead of your kids. If you really really cared about them, you would put ALL your time and effort and money into saving the one thing that means most to them in the whole world- your marriage and their family.

4. We all know how bored and lonely you are. It was your first excuse as to why you made very bad choices. Poor you, someone should really come along to entertain you. What are you, 3 years old? If you're bored with your marriage, it's because YOU'RE BORING. Have you ever stopped to think that if you're bored, she probably is too. But instead of throwing a temper tantrum like a 2 year old, she's at home cleaning out the lint trap on the dryer and washing sticky food off the kitchen floor. Yeah, she's having a riot washing your underwear and cleaning up after you. Marriage is hard work. Hell, life is hard work. Grow up and take some responsibility for yourself. You have a brain, USE it. Put some thought into your marriage and some effort into your life and stop blaming your wife and being a stupid tw*t because your life isn't fun.

5. Your new whore is younger. Sure she is - first off because you want to find someone as stupid as yourself, who will believe everything you say & do and lap up the stupid drivel that comes out of your mouth, making you feel oh so superior. You think that a younger person with the brain the size of a pea will be more attractive and find you attractive? Get this - You think you look the same as you did when you got married? I'd bet not. Even if you do, you haven't spent the past years having babies (the ones YOU wanted) and sacrificing your body for them. The next time you have to have someone stitch your a$$hole together because you just pushed a watermelon out of it, then you can squawk. If you ever spend 9 months with your belly stretched to obscene proportions, and manage to look exactly the same as you used to 6 weeks later, then you can bitch about how unattractive she is these days. Until then, SHUT UP. You have no concept of what she sacrificed to give you the children you claim to love. You really think she wants varicose veins and stretch marks and saggy boobs? Get real. What she wants is a man who understands and values WHY she has varicose veins and stretch marks and saggy boobs. She wants a man who loves her exclusively because she was willing to make those sacrifices with her own body because she loves HIM. Instead, you criticize and disrespect her and go running off with the first 35 year old whore who gives you the time of day.

6. And finally, if you're cheating on your wife, there is something wrong with YOU. If you're not happy with your marriage, exactly how do you think shagging some loose tart is going to fix that? Exactly how is that going to make anyone happy? Have you ever actually heard of adultery working out really well for everyone involved? Are you actually really stupid enough to think that you're going to be the exception to that rule? If you are, you are delusional and you need professional help. Affairs are disasters- not some of the time, not most of the time, ALL OF THE TIME. Your guilt will drive you crazy. Your wife WILL find out. You will NOT be able to keep up the lies and the deception. And it will all lead up to a disaster of epic proportions, see point 7.

7. Here's what you can expect in the wake of your next infidelity-fest:

Divorce- this is where you lose everything- your wife, your house, half your income, your pension, your possessions, your credibility, your kids - EVERYTHING. You will LOSE IT ALL.

Exposure- this is where everyone finds out what a scumbag you really are. And they WILL find out. Your boss, your co-workers, your friends, your family, your wife's family, the whores family, your neighbours, the parents of your kids' friends, everyone who knows you. They WILL find out. Why? Because your wife will tell them. Your wife will probably tell everyone she knows, and everyone you know, and she will feel good doing it.

Your Kids- this is where you totally lose the respect of your kids, and you deserve to lose it. They will realize in pretty short order that you didn't care enough about them to keep your trousers on. They will see their mother cry and they will hate you for it. They will end up shuttling back and forth between their home and your hovel, and they will hate you for it. Every time they have to tell someone that their parents are divorced, they will hate you for it. And God forbid you decide to "introduce" them to your whore - they will REALLY hate you for that.
They will forever see you as the moron who broke up their family. They will know that you can't be trusted, that you are weak and immoral and selfish. And they'll figure it out all by themselves, even if you never talk to them about it. Because your kids are smarter than you are at this moment in time.

So, go ahead and whine your pathetic bullshit about how you're a victim and your wife is a horrible shrew and you are “lonely” and “bored”. Do your best to convince yourself that you didn't have any choice and your wife "drove you to it." Start with the rationalizations and justifications now, you're going to need a lot of them. Remember that the best defense is a good offense and start a mental list of all the ways your wife is deficient. Make sure to re-write the history of your marriage so that you can say to your whore that you were miserable from the first day. Be sure to tell your wife that whilst you love her, you're just not "in love" with her anymore. Deal with your guilt by lashing out at everyone around you. Above all, take no responsibility for any problems YOU may have caused that make you to be such a spineless bastard in the first place.

A Long Overdue Rant

I don't get this, please let me know if I am missing something or this is really the sum total of you and the whores damaged minds.

You had an affair with someone you didn’t fancy, that you didn’t connect with at any emotional level, who didn’t matter an iota to you. You didn’t once think about the consequences around health, your home, your wife, your wife’s feelings, your marriage and the effects on it. You lied to my face constantly during that period, not little kind lies either, great big massive life changing damaging lies and you don’t understand why I have such an issue in “getting it” and “getting over it”.

So, I hope you were ecstatically happy during that period where you lived in your stupid fantasy land with your skanky whore getting your massive selfish egos flattered every day whilst you ignored your wife’s needs, lied barefaced to her, but pretended to her that your life with her was hunky dory.

I hope you look back with fondness at how you systematically destroyed my self esteem, the joy in my life and my ability to trust anyone.

I hope you are proud that I find myself once again in turmoil, in counselling, trying to come to terms with and undo all the hurt and damage you caused because “you felt lonely on business trips” and made some conscious choices that you KNEW were wrong.

I hope you look back with positive thoughts about how much you didn’t contribute to your marriage and children’s lives whilst you plotted and planned nights away with your ego-flattering whore under the pretext of working hard for you and the girls.
You need to start working hard around here to demonstrate your loyalty to your family. If you have time to mess around with a marriage wrecker then you are NOT putting the yard work in with your family.

I hope that you and your whore you are proud of just how much damage you can inflict on another human being under the guise of “having your egos flattered” and "being good friends". A true friend to you WOULD NOT TRY TO DAMAGE YOUR MARRIAGE. So never ever try to tell me she was your "friend". She was NOT your friend. Get it? SHE WAS NOT YOUR FRIEND.

I hope that our beautiful daughters never ever ever meet anyone they love unconditionally only to experience what you put their mother through. I hope I never have to comfort them and try to rebuild them if they do.

NPD - The facts

Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Is this what the so-called "fiance" talked to me about? The criteria for diagnosis appears to describe her perfectly:

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

Has a grandiose sense of self-importance
Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
Believes that he or she is "special" and unique
Requires excessive admiration
Has a sense of entitlement
Is interpersonally exploitative
Lacks empathy
Is often envious of others and believes others are envious of him or her
Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

I think so!!

Thoughts on Karma

Nemesis too - the spirit of divine retribution for those that succumb to hubris. (a term used in modern English to indicate overweening pride, self-confidence, superciliousness, or arrogance, often resulting in fatal retribution)

The Karma Bus is probably fully tanked up, air in the tyres and is hurtling towards its destination as we speak. Not least the credit crunch will support the journey into oblivion?

A house bought at the peak of the housing market (presumably with a view that my husband would be a contributor to the running cost?)

A house with a mortgage and 2 sub-prime loans against it, eating into the rapidly shrinking equity

A mortgage and credit market that now actively penalises or disqualifies people with little or no equity and lends with much more caution than we have ever seen in the last 15 years.

All that matters to the marriage wrecker is how things "appear" to be. She must keep up this illusion that she is a high earning, well regarded member of the professional community, that she can acquire material goods to attempt to impress, no matter how acquired.

My Husband's Shoes

So you have a pair of shoes, beautiful soft buttery leather. You treasure them. You have had them for a long time, but each time you put them on, you love the comfortable and familiar feeling they give you as they envelop your feet. They make you feel good wearing them and you know that people always admire them. You care for them very much, always polishing them and making sure they are stored properly in your wardrobe, wrapped in tissue paper and boxed.

One day, you decide for some reason, that you want a change from the beautiful, comfortable shoes that you love. But you don't want to make much investment in them. You spot a discount shop - Savashoe - in the high street and see a cheap pair of shoes that look like they will make you feel good. You eventually acquire these shoes, and at first, they look new and shiny and are flawless in your mind. The make you feel good, hell invincible. You realise that you don't have the same respect for these shoes as you do for the soft buttery leather ones, and you don't polish them regularly, or wrap them in tissue and put them in box in the wardrobe. You very often just kick them off at the end of the day, and never think about them until the next time you wear them.

After a few weeks, the new shoes start to make your feet feel tired and uncomfortable. You get bunions and callouses, and they make you irritable. You wish that you had never bought them, in fact you rue the day that you saw them in the shop and realise that you could never get the same feeling from those shoes as your soft buttery leather ones. But each time you see them kicked into the corner of the hall, you remember the initial feeling you had when you first spotted them in Savashoe, and somehow you "forget" how uncomfortable they are to wear, and how they hurt and damage your feet in a way that once didn't seem possible, so you persevere, almost stubbornly, and continue to wear them on occasion.
Besides which, wearing those shoes has become a bit of a bad habit. They are there in your eyeline each day, kicked into the corner of the room where you last left them. Unpolished, tatty laces and worn out plastic uppers.

One day, the shoes cause an indescribable amount of pain; pain like you have never felt before, your crippled feet mis-shappen and bleeding. You are hobbling around and can't wait to find the nearest dustbin in which to dump them. You do so at the first opportunity.

You return to your wardrobe and seek out the soft comfortable buttery leather shoe, the one that ALWAYS felt good as it enveloped your feet, the one that NEVER caused bleeding or callouses or bunions.

But, because you have hobbled round in the cheap painful shoes, when you slip the soft buttery leather shoes on, you find that they have changed. You have not worn them for some time, or polished them, and your feet are different now too. You try desperately to get the old shoes to fit, you really want to feel the familiar warmth of the leather around your foot, secure and safe.

The only way those shoes will ever feel secure and safe around your foot again is if you spend a lot of time and effort polishing them, nurturing them with care as you did in the past, softening the leather, checking that the laces are in good order and caring for them properly. Your feet too need attention, and with help and diligence, one day you might get those shoes to fit again and appreciate the comfort and enjoyment you used to have from them.

A realisation of sorts

For over 12 years I thought the man I loved was pretty near perfect. Handsome, kind, sensitive, successful, loving, thoughtful, a family man, caring - all in all pretty fantastic. He made me feel special and loved without actually having to have to say anything, or tell me every day. I always felt special and loved by him. He was very special and loved in return.


Since the discovery of his betrayal with a marriage wrecking whore, I have come to see his shortcomings and failings. The shroud covering my eyes has been lifted.


Underneath all his wonderful attributes lurked a man who was insecure, needy, had low self-esteem & became deceitful. His ability to apparently slip into a meaningless affair with someone who was insecure, needy, had low self-esteem and deceitful was symbiotic, notwithstanding that he did not care for and who had an abhorrent track record of breaking marriages apart, really calls in to question his judge of character and also his morals. Something I never had considered before, nor never felt the need to question.

His extensive counselling uncovered a whole host of issues he has/had, many of which he was aware of but had buried in a deep deep place that no-one, not even himself could easily access.

In a sense, I do get some comfort that this was the man that the marriage wrecker got - she also got the monster I lived with during their affair, I know that everything was not always rosy and perfect in their garden, not least because my husband had NO respect for her, nor cared not one jot about her life outside their affair, she was a convenience when he was away from home.

I do believe I got the best of him prior to his affair and since we have made the hearfelt decision to reconcile, I know that he is returning to the man I knew and loved deeply for 12 years. My issue of course is this - I have changed since his betrayal, and now I have to deal with ME. A major concern for me is that my husband just wants everything to go back to the way it was, in his words "before I risked everything I have with you, with a no-hope marriage wrecking whore". It can never go back to the way it was before, I have changed, our marriage is changed forever. He has changed some too.

However, it can be even better than it was before....................?

Healing me - My resolve

What I need to do:

Accept that my husband had an affair for 4 years with a serial marriage wrecker. It happened, I can’t change it. It was a symptom not the disease.

Accept that the reasons he had the affair are his reasons/flaws and not mine. His reasons are that he needed constant validation, ego stroking, flattery and attention. He is the damaged one, not me. The affair was about his flaws and not mine.


Stop spending time and energy twisting over the fact that the whore has not been “made to pay” for her contribution to my marriage misery. She means nothing to me, she is the damaged one, she has no morals, she is prepared to accept the scraps of attention from a married man because she is not capable of forming proper relationships, she will never know what it is to have unconditional and whole love. She will never know what it is to be respected by her work colleagues. She will always have to live with her conscience and bad decisions. She is inconsequential & unimportant to me. I know I am a way better person than she is or ever will be.

I have to value my values again – responsibility, loyalty and trusting (to learn to trust MYSELF)

I have to work through and overcome the self doubt/lack of self esteem that discovering my husbands infidelity has caused me.

I want true love and a truthful, honest life partner. I will not settle for less. No compromises. If this doesn’t work out then I have to follow my own path and understand what this means to me going forward.

Work out that if the above things are “dealt with” then can my marriage survive infidelity
I have to start to be emotionally invested in my marriage again if I wish to reconcile successfully

Another letter to a whore

What a truly awful life you have. No-one has any regard for you. Old colleagues see you for what you really are – a loser, a fake, a cheating liar. You must be desperate with yourself to be living such an unfulfilled, empty and lonely life. It will be very interesting to know what your new colleagues think of you – or have you already made moves on your new married boss?
I bet you can’t wait to send him a Christmas card with a stupid poem about how much you love to hear his voice on his mobile phone. What utter and complete shit you think and write.

Then you’ll be telling him that no-one likes you, that your ex-husband is “being mean“ to you, that your fiancé “doesn’t understand” you, that your workmates “don’t like” you – all the while lying to try to elicit sympathy that no-one has for you. How low can you sink? Looking for your next married Knight in Shining Armour for a bit of fun - until you realise that he can give you a better life if only you can lie enough to convince him to throw away his life with his wife and family.

Hey loser whore - isn't life supposed to be about learning lessons - what do you know - you're too stupid to learn - didn't the first time you broke up a marriage teach you a lesson? Once the poor man had given up his wife, he couldn't quite find it in himself to make an honest woman of you. He didn't want to live with you, and hastily denied that he was involved with you when I phoned him up to expose your lies. I wonder why - perhaps he could see right through you and knew you had "bad issues" and that you wouldn't give him one gramme of loyalty - because before you know it - you're chasing my husband down. You really do have an over-inflated sense of entitlement, of trying to show that you are something you are not. You try to demonstrate that you are not as worthless as you really are. You are actually no better than toxic waste.

Who wants you now? Not your husband, nor neither of the men who used you like the slut you are. No-one. You are not worthy of anyone’s affection or love.

You have not destroyed our lives – quite the opposite - we are happier than ever together. My husband realises that you are toxic waste too – he should never have been involved with you. He regrets even setting eyes on you. We have a fantastic life – I can talk with confidence and surety about a life that is REAL, not fake like yours. My happiness is REAL. I cuddle up in bed with MY husband, knowing our relationship is solid and REAL, not a worthless fantasy.
We do not have to create a mirage of our lives like you do – you so think that appearances count - and you are totally transparent. Everyone see you for what you are - no one believes your stupid hype, your self publicity, or your perceived “greatness”, no-one falls for the victim card you play all the time. It’s all lies – just like you..

Your are probably conceited enough to believe that you were my husbands "saviour". With your pea-sized brain, you probably convinced yourself that you would be rescuing him from his nagging and boring wife, but the truth is this you loser, I am an attractive, mature, responsible and credible woman and my morals and intelligence transcend yours, believe me, he so traded down when he took up with you.

Get this you tramp - you had a false sense of imagining you had a competitive edge by thinking that if he was flatterring you and stroking your fragile ego, then you must be better than me and irreplaceable to him. As the months and years went by and he didn't leave me, or spend any significant quality time with you outside of the bedroom, are you stupid enough to not to realise that you were being taken for a mug? You were his booty call? On tap, no-strings-attached tart? Oh yes, definately a trade-down, not to mention your dull hair, your lack of personality, your fat head perched on your rounded shoulders and your skirts straining to contain your fat a*se.

Look how quickly my husband threw you under the bus when your grubby little secret came out. He did everything to limit the damage to himself when he realised people might find out he was involved with you. If he really cared for you, then that would not have happened – but listen to this - he really couldn’t wait to rid himself of your skanky presence, the smell of your dismal personality, nor the pervading odour of your worthlessness.....he was desperately ashamed of people knowing he had risked his marriage and his relationship by being involved with YOU.

Oh and don't play your usual victim card - you were an equal participant in all of this. If you were not willing to play the deception with him, then you shouldn't have got involved. Its a pity that you didn't grab your last remnants of self-worth, if indeed you ever had any and turned away from being involved in a toxic relationship with a married man.

You have no regard for anyone but yourself, you are a totally selfish whore. I hope you never recover from you own self-inflicted misery. And I do hope that one day, should any loser decide to hook up with you, he is unfaithful to you and you get a huge dose of what you so freely and consciously handed to me. Oh, and watch your scummy house, I hear that you have a mortgage and two sub-prime loans secured on it and equity values falling every day - take a look at the property market you loser, and weep. And I will look back at you, with my head held high and laugh.

Not sent. Whats the point - she sees what she wants to see and has no concept or concern of the damage she created when she involved herself with my husband - her "friend". Funny sort of friendship that??