You know I look in the mirror every morning and know that I am not even close to faultless. But I wouldn't treat a flea the way you treated me. I have much more respect for people than you will ever have. It seems like you apply a double standard to everything in your life - including infidelity.
You think your transgressions are not as bad as the transgressions of anyone else. Thats because you have a sense of entitlement, like your whore.
The word “infidelity” is defined as any violation of the mutually agreed-upon rules or boundaries of a relationship, and is a breach of faith in an inter-personal relationship. It’s not limited or dependent on sex or intimacy with the whore – it’s dependent on breaking your bond with me. And being in an affair with a serial marriage wrecker is about you not upholding your values. In fact I would say this to you - you set the bar low and consistently fail to reach it. You certainly set the bar low with her. Any lower and you might have found yourself in a farmyard looking longingly at the pig-sty.
You wanted to have an affair to give yourself some crazy external validation. Having a happy family life, good wife, enough food and drink, a comfortable loving home, and wife who adored you clearly didn't give you the validation you so clearly needed and felt entitled to.
I'm going to tell you what you and your affair looks like from here:
Chances are you chose each other because you are both stupid and believe all the sh*t that regularly poured out of each others mouths. You made yourself available because instead of putting in the work here, you thought it would be much easier to just deceive your wife and kids. She hung onto your every word like some f*cking retard. Oh remind me again, she IS a f*cking retard. You are both mediocrities, useless pieces of human waste.
You are both more interested in getting your egos stroked than actively contributing to the happiness of your collective children and significant partners. You both put your shallow neediness ahead of your children. Like everything else in your pitiful lives, when the going gets tough, you trash it and bomb it until it is no longer. You are both spineless and gutless and such a waste of space. Whats the matter with you - do you prefer to be with a no-hope c*mdumpster than nurturing your children?
Neither of you are well hidden enough under the slimy rock you both crawled from - you are both totally transparent. Everyone sees you for what you are. Oh yes Mr Smartarse - YOU think everyone thinks you are a fine upstanding man. A man that cherishes his wife and family. A man of principles and morals. A man who is respected. Well let me tell you this - none of that is true. Not now.
And another thing - why are you mortified about who and how many people know about your bad behaviour, Hell you should be putting your back into regaining my trust and loyalty, not worrying about who the hell knows what a scumbag you really are. Loser.
Isn't it pathetic that you, the one person that should be covering my back, protecting ME, is the one that I now have to protect MYSELF from.
Listen to this you pair of lying cheats - I have seen your true colours, I have seen what worthless piles of steaming excrement you are, I have seen what your stupid fantasy life is made of - but you know something - I WILL not let you bring me down. I deserve better than to have such toxic crap in my life. I am DETERMINED to find the person I was before, before you two toxic tw*ts decided to live a life of fantasy and destroy our marriage.
F*cktard
Monday 19 January 2009
The Cheaters Manual
THE CHEATER'S MANUAL
"I love you, but I'm not 'in love' with you."
Translation: I'm all hot over a new piece of ass.
"I never meant to hurt you."
Translation: How the hell did you find out?
"We never had sex."
Translation: Because you have no real proof, right?
"They meant nothing to me."
Translation: I'm hoping this will mean nothing to you.
"If I wasn't happy I would have left you along time ago."
Translation. I'm gonna cheat on you as much as I can until you catch me and then I'll say "I don't know why I did it"
"We're just friends."
Translation: I always screw my female friends"
"It didn't mean anything."
Translation: I am a selfish lying bastard.
"It's over, I ended it."
Translation: Oh oh, now I am really f*cked.
"Please stop asking me about it."
Translation: So I can keep it going as long as I want.
"You have to start trusting me sometime."
Translation: I really need to see the Other Woman - NOW!
"I felt unloved."
Translation: I have the biggest, neediest ego of anyone in the world.
"This has been the darkest period of my life."
Translation: And MY feelings are SOOOO much more important than yours.
"She's really nice."
Trans: Oh god, please don't tell anyone I was involved with an ugly marriage wrecking whore"
"Face it, none of this would have happened if not for the OTHER problems around here."
Translation: There is NO WAY I am going be accountable for my actions. Never have been, never will be.
"I KNEW you'd get a spy on me."
Translation: Your snooping is SOOO much worse than my cheating and lying. Alternatively: I hate that you outsmarted me.
"Let's try to work this out together."
Translation: But you do all the work, ok sweetie?
"We can work this out"
Translation: It's no big deal to me and I'm basically over it, so why don't you just get over it too.
"I don't want to lose you"
Translation: I didn't know what you were really worth until you threatened to leave me- now I'm scared.
"I had a weak moment"
Translation: I give in very easily to sexual advances.
"I can change"
Translation: I don't really know what I mean by that, but it sounds good.
"I promise it won't happen again"
Translation: I broke a promise once already- but I think I mean it this time.
"People make mistakes"
Translation: This mistake can easily be compared to other mistakes such as forgetting a birthday or mixing colours with whites in the laundry.
"Let's start over"
Translation: I'm out of excuses, so just forget about what I did and let's move on.
"I can earn your trust back!"
Translation: If by tomorrow you haven't given full trust back to me, I will be very upset at your snooping around and second guessing me all the time.
"Her name and any information about them isn't important"
Translation: I still care for them and don't want you to do anything to tick them off.
"Are YOU cheating on ME?"
Translation: I quite possibly have in the past or currently am cheating on you.
"We're just friends"
Trans: who also happen to have amazing sex along with a deep emotional connection.
"I need YOU"
Translation: The possibilities of her staying with me are slim and I need somebody.
"I'm not sure how I feel about them. I don't know if I want to be with them or you"
Translation: I eat lots of cake. I'm a cake-eater. I want the excitement of them and the stability of you - so I am keeping you in a constant state of limbo so that I always have you to fall back on if this new thing doesn't end up working out. Think of yourself now as my backup plan, but don't complain about it.
"It's only happened 10 times this year."
Translation: I'm either addicted to sex or have very low self esteem and quite possibly very little respect for you or myself.
"We used protection every time."
Translation: We should probably both get checked for STD's.
"Our relationship has been really rocky lately."
Translation: Working on this with you would require too much work on my part, so I went shopping for someone new instead.
"Things are different since we started having children."
Translation: You couldn't get back to a size 10 one week after having our children.
"You're so angry and sad all the time now."
Translation: I'm not supportive of the feelings you're having as a result of my betraying you.
"I needed some space- you were smothering me"
Translation: I'm immature and cannot handle the responsibilities of being an adult- My personal wants and needs are the only thing important to me at this time.
"I feel so drawn to him/her."
Translation: . . at the pelvis.
"You need to recognize how torn I feel."
Translation: It's hard to juggle 2 people, stop pressuring me to uphold my wedding vows.
"You just have to trust me!"
Translation: Cuz I ain't never gonna tell you the truth.
"If you would have been a better wife I would have never done anything like that."
Translation: I am selfish and still would have done it, because I'm an arse.
"You are so paranoid!"
Translation: Don't pay close attention to me, you might catch me again.
"I won't call her again!"
Translation: I will erase each call from my mobile so you won't know about it.
"I never meant to hurt you."
Translation: I thought I was so careful that you would never find out.
"She doesn't mean anything to me, it was very impersonal."
Translation: My whore thinks I'm going to leave you and be with her forever.
"It didn't have anything to do with you or your personal appearance"
Translation: I was bored and tired of the same old piece of arse and needed something different and exciting.
"I am refocused, recommitted, reconnected, I've found levels of love I never knew existed before"
Translation: I knew this would KILL you so I figured it was better to lie. I took you for granted and now that I've been snitched on, I have to save my arse from being homeless, family-less, lifeless.
"But I was never leaving."
Translation: I was just going to screw her as often as possible.
"Ask me anything you want to."
Translation: I am not going to volunteer anything you haven't figured out.
"What makes you think I am cheating on you?"
Translation: Oh shit, what do you know?
"I wanted to stop before you found out."
Translation: But I figured you were so thick that you wouldn't ever get it.
"I am so tired from work - I didn't even get to eat lunch today."
Translation: Nope, saw the whore instead at the local motel.
"Have I ever lied to you?"
Translation: Let's see how much you have figured out.
"I know the affair was wrong but our marriage was in trouble way before it started."
Translation: (1) There is no way in hell I’m taking the blame for this or being accountable for my actions; (2) I was justified to disregard your feelings and our family to get the sex and attention I needed on the side; (3) If I can convince you that you’re at fault, you’ll stop talking about it and I can go back to seeing my lover.
"NOW I'm telling you the truth."
Translation: I'm still lying but I thought if I threw the word 'NOW' In there, it would fool you.
"But I was never leaving "
Translation: I was just going to screw her as often as possible.
"I don't remember."
Translation: I'll pretend whatever just to save my sorry ass.
"I was scared"
Translation:.. You caught me and I'm so surprised I can't come up with anything better right now.
"I thought you didn't love me anymore."
Translation: I sabatoged our marriage so I could rationalize my affairs.
"She didn't get anything out of me but sex."
Translation: See, I'm smarter than you think.
"I never thought of her when I was home."
Translation: I never thought of YOU when I was away from home!
"It was a stupid mistake. it's in the past."
Translation: I did what I really wanted to do but it was a bad mistake that you found out about it. so just deal with it.
"She's a nice person."
Translation: She gave me undivided attention because I have a needy ego that needs to be stroked hourly.
"She was 'nice'."
Translation: She did whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, for as many years as I wanted, no matter how stupid she was for doing it.
"She made me feel good."
Translation: I fell for all the bullshit she said about how perfect I was.
"I never stopped loving you."
Translation: I have enough "love" to go around./ alternate: I don't love anyone but myself.
"She admired me for someone who made her happy."
Translation: She is so stupid and she doesn't know how f*cked up I am yet.
"She made me feel the way you haven't for a long time"
Translation: Unlike you, she is a low life sl*t who expects no respect, no commitment, and no responsibility from me in return.
"She admired me for someone who made her happy."
Translation: She has no clue how selfish I really am.
"You can't tell me who I can be friends with."
Translation: If I dump her, and you dump me, who is going to take care of me?
"you keep on making this just about yourself."
Translation: I am a Sociopathic Narcissist.
"I didn't want to lose you."
Translation: I will dick your life around as long as I can and lie, lie, lie to get what I want at your expense
"If I had known how much it would hurt you, I would never have had an affair."
Translation: I wonder how the hell you figured out I was having an affair.
"You don't make a decision to start an affair; it just happens."
Translation: I cannot believe I got caught.
"We're just friends!"
Translation: So that makes it O.K!!
"You did not support me"
Translation: You were too busy taking care of the house and kids to give me the attention I needed.
"I was lonely."
Translation: So instead of coming home to be with my family I took time away from you to f*ck someone else behind your back.
"I love you, but I'm not 'in love' with you."
Translation: I'm all hot over a new piece of ass.
"I never meant to hurt you."
Translation: How the hell did you find out?
"We never had sex."
Translation: Because you have no real proof, right?
"They meant nothing to me."
Translation: I'm hoping this will mean nothing to you.
"If I wasn't happy I would have left you along time ago."
Translation. I'm gonna cheat on you as much as I can until you catch me and then I'll say "I don't know why I did it"
"We're just friends."
Translation: I always screw my female friends"
"It didn't mean anything."
Translation: I am a selfish lying bastard.
"It's over, I ended it."
Translation: Oh oh, now I am really f*cked.
"Please stop asking me about it."
Translation: So I can keep it going as long as I want.
"You have to start trusting me sometime."
Translation: I really need to see the Other Woman - NOW!
"I felt unloved."
Translation: I have the biggest, neediest ego of anyone in the world.
"This has been the darkest period of my life."
Translation: And MY feelings are SOOOO much more important than yours.
"She's really nice."
Trans: Oh god, please don't tell anyone I was involved with an ugly marriage wrecking whore"
"Face it, none of this would have happened if not for the OTHER problems around here."
Translation: There is NO WAY I am going be accountable for my actions. Never have been, never will be.
"I KNEW you'd get a spy on me."
Translation: Your snooping is SOOO much worse than my cheating and lying. Alternatively: I hate that you outsmarted me.
"Let's try to work this out together."
Translation: But you do all the work, ok sweetie?
"We can work this out"
Translation: It's no big deal to me and I'm basically over it, so why don't you just get over it too.
"I don't want to lose you"
Translation: I didn't know what you were really worth until you threatened to leave me- now I'm scared.
"I had a weak moment"
Translation: I give in very easily to sexual advances.
"I can change"
Translation: I don't really know what I mean by that, but it sounds good.
"I promise it won't happen again"
Translation: I broke a promise once already- but I think I mean it this time.
"People make mistakes"
Translation: This mistake can easily be compared to other mistakes such as forgetting a birthday or mixing colours with whites in the laundry.
"Let's start over"
Translation: I'm out of excuses, so just forget about what I did and let's move on.
"I can earn your trust back!"
Translation: If by tomorrow you haven't given full trust back to me, I will be very upset at your snooping around and second guessing me all the time.
"Her name and any information about them isn't important"
Translation: I still care for them and don't want you to do anything to tick them off.
"Are YOU cheating on ME?"
Translation: I quite possibly have in the past or currently am cheating on you.
"We're just friends"
Trans: who also happen to have amazing sex along with a deep emotional connection.
"I need YOU"
Translation: The possibilities of her staying with me are slim and I need somebody.
"I'm not sure how I feel about them. I don't know if I want to be with them or you"
Translation: I eat lots of cake. I'm a cake-eater. I want the excitement of them and the stability of you - so I am keeping you in a constant state of limbo so that I always have you to fall back on if this new thing doesn't end up working out. Think of yourself now as my backup plan, but don't complain about it.
"It's only happened 10 times this year."
Translation: I'm either addicted to sex or have very low self esteem and quite possibly very little respect for you or myself.
"We used protection every time."
Translation: We should probably both get checked for STD's.
"Our relationship has been really rocky lately."
Translation: Working on this with you would require too much work on my part, so I went shopping for someone new instead.
"Things are different since we started having children."
Translation: You couldn't get back to a size 10 one week after having our children.
"You're so angry and sad all the time now."
Translation: I'm not supportive of the feelings you're having as a result of my betraying you.
"I needed some space- you were smothering me"
Translation: I'm immature and cannot handle the responsibilities of being an adult- My personal wants and needs are the only thing important to me at this time.
"I feel so drawn to him/her."
Translation: . . at the pelvis.
"You need to recognize how torn I feel."
Translation: It's hard to juggle 2 people, stop pressuring me to uphold my wedding vows.
"You just have to trust me!"
Translation: Cuz I ain't never gonna tell you the truth.
"If you would have been a better wife I would have never done anything like that."
Translation: I am selfish and still would have done it, because I'm an arse.
"You are so paranoid!"
Translation: Don't pay close attention to me, you might catch me again.
"I won't call her again!"
Translation: I will erase each call from my mobile so you won't know about it.
"I never meant to hurt you."
Translation: I thought I was so careful that you would never find out.
"She doesn't mean anything to me, it was very impersonal."
Translation: My whore thinks I'm going to leave you and be with her forever.
"It didn't have anything to do with you or your personal appearance"
Translation: I was bored and tired of the same old piece of arse and needed something different and exciting.
"I am refocused, recommitted, reconnected, I've found levels of love I never knew existed before"
Translation: I knew this would KILL you so I figured it was better to lie. I took you for granted and now that I've been snitched on, I have to save my arse from being homeless, family-less, lifeless.
"But I was never leaving."
Translation: I was just going to screw her as often as possible.
"Ask me anything you want to."
Translation: I am not going to volunteer anything you haven't figured out.
"What makes you think I am cheating on you?"
Translation: Oh shit, what do you know?
"I wanted to stop before you found out."
Translation: But I figured you were so thick that you wouldn't ever get it.
"I am so tired from work - I didn't even get to eat lunch today."
Translation: Nope, saw the whore instead at the local motel.
"Have I ever lied to you?"
Translation: Let's see how much you have figured out.
"I know the affair was wrong but our marriage was in trouble way before it started."
Translation: (1) There is no way in hell I’m taking the blame for this or being accountable for my actions; (2) I was justified to disregard your feelings and our family to get the sex and attention I needed on the side; (3) If I can convince you that you’re at fault, you’ll stop talking about it and I can go back to seeing my lover.
"NOW I'm telling you the truth."
Translation: I'm still lying but I thought if I threw the word 'NOW' In there, it would fool you.
"But I was never leaving "
Translation: I was just going to screw her as often as possible.
"I don't remember."
Translation: I'll pretend whatever just to save my sorry ass.
"I was scared"
Translation:.. You caught me and I'm so surprised I can't come up with anything better right now.
"I thought you didn't love me anymore."
Translation: I sabatoged our marriage so I could rationalize my affairs.
"She didn't get anything out of me but sex."
Translation: See, I'm smarter than you think.
"I never thought of her when I was home."
Translation: I never thought of YOU when I was away from home!
"It was a stupid mistake. it's in the past."
Translation: I did what I really wanted to do but it was a bad mistake that you found out about it. so just deal with it.
"She's a nice person."
Translation: She gave me undivided attention because I have a needy ego that needs to be stroked hourly.
"She was 'nice'."
Translation: She did whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, for as many years as I wanted, no matter how stupid she was for doing it.
"She made me feel good."
Translation: I fell for all the bullshit she said about how perfect I was.
"I never stopped loving you."
Translation: I have enough "love" to go around./ alternate: I don't love anyone but myself.
"She admired me for someone who made her happy."
Translation: She is so stupid and she doesn't know how f*cked up I am yet.
"She made me feel the way you haven't for a long time"
Translation: Unlike you, she is a low life sl*t who expects no respect, no commitment, and no responsibility from me in return.
"She admired me for someone who made her happy."
Translation: She has no clue how selfish I really am.
"You can't tell me who I can be friends with."
Translation: If I dump her, and you dump me, who is going to take care of me?
"you keep on making this just about yourself."
Translation: I am a Sociopathic Narcissist.
"I didn't want to lose you."
Translation: I will dick your life around as long as I can and lie, lie, lie to get what I want at your expense
"If I had known how much it would hurt you, I would never have had an affair."
Translation: I wonder how the hell you figured out I was having an affair.
"You don't make a decision to start an affair; it just happens."
Translation: I cannot believe I got caught.
"We're just friends!"
Translation: So that makes it O.K!!
"You did not support me"
Translation: You were too busy taking care of the house and kids to give me the attention I needed.
"I was lonely."
Translation: So instead of coming home to be with my family I took time away from you to f*ck someone else behind your back.
Imagine This........
One of the things that "gets" to me about infidelity is the slow or non-realisation, non-understanding of the pain the adulterous partner causes. During one of our counselling sessions we touched very briefly on how my husband would have felt had the situation been reversed. We did not explore this concept further in the session, but I was keen to place him in my shoes even if it was imaginary, in order for him to be able to empathise. So I wrote him a letter...
I realize that what I want from you is for you to be able to put aside your own embarrassment, shame & guilt long enough for you to try and really understand how I feel and for you to acknowledge those feelings, I want to be able to talk about this massive issue in our marriage in a calm way, but your constant stonewalling of questions, and your standard responses of “she was my friend”, “I can’t remember” and “I don’t know” creates a wall between us.
I really struggle with you understanding the pain I feel about your affair – not just when I found out for certain, but also when I suspected and confirmed that you were involved with her during that 4 year period so I wanted you to think about if the roles were reversed, and how it might feel for you for you to try to get some idea of what & how I feel, that way, you might just be able to understand the things you would want to know to be able to try to reconcile your deliberate and conscious act to destroy me and our marriage.
I want you to imagine my hands, my lips, on another man's body. It's someone you know of. Someone I work with and like and I think is a friend to me. Someone perhaps that you felt uncomfortable about me having a friendship with. Imagine you once even had the courage to tell me that you felt uncomfortable about me liking or working with this man. But I just laugh and make you feel silly when you tell me that, and I look in your eyes and say ”we are just friends that’s all, we work together really well, you know, you would get on really well with him” You believe that, because you trust me, because I am your wife, that there really is nothing going on between us, that he really is just a work colleague and a friend and you accept that we have to work together because he is supporting me with developing business with my clients. You could not imagine in a million years that I would do anything to put our marriage at risk.
I tell you that yes, I think he is a great guy, one of the best I have ever worked with, he makes me laugh, he is amazed at my work ethic and approach, he flatters me, but come on, I'm married to you, we have children together, we are building a beautiful home together, planning our future life and retirement together. You believe me because I am your wife, and you love me and trust me, but you still feel like something is not right. Whenever you bring up your fears I just get annoyed and make you feel bad about thinking something so awful about me. So you decide you're just a tiny bit jealous of the fact that I am so effusive about a work colleague and that your fears are unfounded and unreasonable. And so you stuff your concern and worry deeper and continue to mow the lawn, clean the cars, help with the children, go to work, have holidays, visit family and friends, discuss our finances and plan your future, together with me. I am your wife.
Imagine that once, when I was away overnight with him, on business matters, you were at home with children, helping with their homework, doing the washing, sorting out the bills, emptying the dishwasher, doing all the mundane but necessary, usual, routine, tiring and often boring jobs at the end of the work day - he and I have dinner and drinks. Later, we go to sit in the hotel lounge, close together on a sofa, talking about our lives, families, hopes aspirations, flirting unashamedly with each other and he leans over me to hear something I said quietly and his hand brushes against my face. Suddenly, I turn to him and he is kissing me. I don't mean to respond, but I am flattered that he touches me and appears to want me, and I choose not to stop myself from responding to his touch and his kiss. I do have a choice, I am not been coerced , and I choose to carry on.
I don’t think about you at home, not once, you there with the girls, doing all that mundane stuff. I am excited by the attention he gives me. He makes me feel good. We end up in my hotel room. I never check myself to ask if this is right or wrong. My eyes on are on his. He isn't you. He smells different, feels different, touches me differently, and the next thing I know our clothes are on the floor, he pushes me to the bed and lowers himself onto me and he is inside me. We f*ck all night. I never ever once think about you, or the consequences of what has just happened. The next day, he and I talk about what happened the night before, that it felt good and we enjoyed it, but eventually we say it shouldn’t happen again, it was good but it was a mistake, a one-off. No-one will ever know. No-one need ever know.
Even though our lives are insanely busy, somehow this man and I make time every day to talk, in the office, when we are travelling together, on our mobile phones, telling each other we look good, or smell nice, or we’ve handled a work problem well, flattering each others ego at every opportunity - sometimes you try to call me and I get you off the phone quickly so I can call him, or I don’t miss him calling me.
Not long after he and I have agreed that we shouldn’t have an affair we find we are making time to be with each other whenever we can and work ways of meeting so we can to be together to f*ck. I ask family and friends to have my children when you can’t so I can "work late" and meet him at hotels. I go to lunch with him, just the two of us and never ever mention him or any of this to you. I touch his hands while we talk. Brush against him when we're in a public place, stroke his leg when we are in the car together, teasing him, going to business meetings and wanting them to be over so we can be together, just the two of us, in the car, talking, laughing, enjoying his company. Being his friend. F*cking him because it and he feeds my ego.
But I never ever think about what I might be doing to my life or my marriage, or the devastating effect it will have on you if you ever find out. My saving grace is that I naively think you won’t find out.
Imagine you and I go away together on a holiday – and in the taxi from the airport I receive a lot of texts, which I read and smile about. You ask me who they are from and I say, just the girls from the office and look at you like you are crazy for asking such a question. Later, when I am in the bath, you read those texts, and they are not “from the girls in the office” but from the guy at the office who is my “friend” who I get on with, and who you are now feeling very uncomfortable about.
You also realize that the texts are not the sort that a work colleague, or a friend would send you quite inappropriate – saying he missed me a lot, he was sat at my desk and how good it felt to be sat at my desk, how he couldn’t wait until I was back in the office. Imagine that you ask me about those texts again and I give you some stupid reply that I can’t control what people send to me, and I make you feel really bad for even asking me such a thing. Imagine how you would feel reading those texts, knowing that something is very wrong. But I am your wife, you trust that I wouldn’t do anything wrong with another man, a friend, a work colleague, who I get on with.
Imagine we have another holiday and I am constantly on the phone, canvassing your sympathy because things in the office ”really can’t wait until I get back” in a weeks time. I concoct some story about someone who has discovered she has cancer and you feel sympathetic and think what a wonderful person your wife is, taking time out of her family holiday, because a work colleague is in need. But that story isn’t true, I am in contact with this man. I now need this man to feed my ego, even when I am on holiday with my family. I believe that you will never notice me texting and talking “to the office” because you are so involved with the holiday, sunbathing, reading a book, or being with the girls.
Imagine that, whenever I can, I climb into bed with him and let him hold me and kiss me and touch me intimately and remove my clothes. Imagine my naked body stretched out against his. Imagine having to constantly fight the mind movies where you see the two of us next to each other, together in bed, his mouth on my breasts, his arms around me, laughing together, and me never thinking about you or the girls, acting without a care or responsibility in the world. He makes me feel good in a way that I think you don’t make me feel.
And I am married to you the whole time. I do the same things with you in our bed and you never know, you’re never meant to find out. And when this happens with him, after he has cuddled me, held me, f*cked me, you come home from work and I kiss you and put dinner on the table, and help the kids with their homework, talk to you about normal things and go to bed like absolutely nothing has happened.
Imagine me holding his hand, stroking his face, biting his fingers when enters me, all exactly the same way as I always have with you. And then imagine trying to believe that when I tell you I love you, that I actually do despite the fact that this man is now consuming me completely. Can you believe that I still love you in the same way I always have? Imagine me having an orgasm with this person-- because of the way he licked and touched me and stroked me and made me feel - and then imagine me telling you when I had been found out that I didn't really enjoy it, it was mechanical. You can’t and don’t really believe that it was. Imagine me afterwards, sweaty and naked in his arms, and then try to believe I didn't really have a physical and emotional connection with him. That I didn't really want to do it, that I tried really hard to keep it from happening again and again. Imagine me telling him when I would be away from home so that we could meet, imagine how we both would plan our business trips carefully, so we could be together to have dinner and drinks and to f*ck each other, and then try to believe me when I say I never planned or chose for this to happen.
And all the while you are at home, the compliant husband, worrying about the change in me, worrying that my job was draining me, tiring me out, making me short-tempered and distant with you. You can’t understand what has got into me, you ask me lots of times if I am ok, but I brush you off with silly reasons. I even ask you if you are seeing other people, as a ploy to try to make you feel guilty in a way to help me manage mine – oh yes, I do feel guilty of sorts, but not nearly enough to stop my relationship with this other man, the guilt will pass, as soon as I see him again because I can bury it where no-one will ever find it. After all you are never going to find out. You trust me, You would never believe I could do this to you, that I could be so untrustworthy - after all I am your wife. You truly love me and think I truly love you and that nothing so destructive could ever come between us. You can’t imagine that I actually think I can be this destructive. Imagine you look me in the eyes with love & care but unbeknown to you I stick the broadsword in your heart every time I see this man.
Imagine at times you completely don’t understand my venomous replies to anything you talk to me about. I see the hurt in your eyes but I turn away from you. You don’t realize it is because he is now the centre of my world, He is feeding my ego, and I love the excitement and I love the power I think I have over you both. I almost have no regard for you, such is the strength of my fantasy life with this other man. We are invincible, you don’t count. You haven’t counted for a long time. But I keep telling myself it has to end. I tell myself for four long years. But I can’t. I like the excitement too much and you will never find out. Besides, I think you don’t want me anymore, I have a notion that you don’t love me anymore, you make me feel lonely. I deliberately don’t connect with you or talk deeply with you so I can perpetrate these false feelings I have created to cover my guilt. I don’t ask you about it of course, nor do I ever try to have a conversation with you about our marriage, but I think you will never find out about me and this other man………………….
Imagine me sharing intimate details of our marriage with this man. Imagine I tell him how much money you earn, the car you drive, about our children, our holidays, about the friends we have, about our family and the things you do and say that make me angry. Imagine me telling him things about you that he will later bring back up. He will say your name with disdain, because now he has developed feelings for me and wonders where our affair is going. He wants me to make a commitment to him. I tell him I won’t leave my family, and this is going nowhere, but I still want our affair to continue. As long as he is happy for it to be that way, why does it matter?
He will be annoyed when I tell him that we are doing something as a family. He will start to manipulate me, causing arguments and then wheedling his way back under my skin - but I don’t see that because I am now blinded with the excitement of our affair and I care nothing for you, because I "think" you care nothing for me. And I don’t worry about contraception because he told me had had a vasectomy. So I don’t worry about getting pregnant. And I don’t think about my health because I think he is a clean person, a nice person, a friend, a director of a business, therefore he couldn’t possibly have any sexually transmitted diseases could he? I don’t think about his past partners, I don’t even ask. I never give a passing thought about you or your health either, not once, not ever.
Imagine me waking up in his arms. In his hotel bed. Imagine me on the phone with him or texting him as soon as I leave for work, or you leave the house. Imagine me racing through my calls to you so I can hang up and immediately call him. Imagine me switching my phone off when I am with him, so you can’t get hold of me because I don’t like to upset him by talking to you when he is with me. It kills the moment for both of us if I have to talk to my husband.
Imagine us slipping away from everyone else at the Christmas Party to kiss and f*ck in my hotel room. Imagine that and then try to believe he meant nothing to me. Imagine finding a poem he has given me, hidden away, that I never mentioned to you. Imagine that you smell his aftershave in my car, it’s not yours, and you can’t imagine whose it is, but you ask me and I brush you off with a lame excuse that it could be anybody – I look you in the eye when I say this to you and you believe me. I am your wife.
Weeks later, you smell that same smell again, but this time, you smell it on my blouse in the washing basket. It’s a definitive smell, male, definitely not my perfume. One time, you make love to me and you smell that smell on my skin, near my breasts and thighs and you think the worst, but you don’t mention it because it will cause a problem or even a row between us. I will brush it off again. You start to think that you are imagining things, that you are going mad, but still there is that nagging doubt. But eventually you brush it off, because I am your wife and you trust me. I wouldn’t lie to you, would I?
Imagine that I chose to do this. I now actively encourage our affair, I choose to spend time with him to the detriment of my family, I choose to let him touch me. I choose to touch him, intimately, I choose to kiss him and hold him and make him orgasm. I choose to turn my back on you, I choose to have a secret relationship. I choose to put my energy into spending time with him, and not you. I tell him every day when I see him that he looks good and I fancy him like mad, that I can’t wait until we can spend some more time together. I promise him I will try to stay away from home when it’s convenient for him to be with me. You think I am working, I am conscientious in my work, you know it is important to me. You have no reason not to believe me - I am your wife, you trust me.
Imagine then, you have been watching me and him for months now, checking up on me and you know something is not right. Something is very wrong. You can’t get through to me any more, I don’t appear to be listening to you, I don’t pay you any attention at all. I often don’t answer you when you talk to me. You sense something this wrong. You ask about my relationship with him, and I say we are just friends. You ask me outright if I have had an affair with him and I look you right in the eye and tell you I am not having an affair with him, we are just good friends. Imagine me telling you that it wasn’t what you think. We are good friends, we get on well. We are work colleagues.
But imagine something tells you that you don’t believe what I am telling you. You now start observing me much more closely. You ask me questions and you absolutely know I am lying, because you have evidence of my affair. You catch me out eventually and confront me and I cry. I tell you I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to hurt you because you weren’t meant to find out. I tell you that none of this was planned, that is just happened. That I felt lonely and bored and he filled a gap and flattered me. It made me feel good. But I did all of these things outside our marriage, while coming home to you and being your wife, but I never meant them to affect you. I wasn’t ever going to leave you, or follow through with anything, even when he asked me where we were going, where our relationship was going. He was just such a good friend that I didn’t know how to end it without losing his friendship. Because I think I really really believed that his friendship and our affair was far more important than you and any marriage vows I had made to you.
Imagine that I lie to you about the details at first, I minimize the affair, I minimize our relationship and the length of time it has been going on actually, I don’t minimize it - I just lie more to you because I am now such a consummate liar. I tell you it was not a big deal – we were just friends, but when I find out just how much you know, how much pain I have caused you, I cry and apologize over and over. Imagine I promise it's over. I won't talk to him anymore. I won't have any contact anymore. And I am angry when you won't trust me the same way you did before. I am pissed off with you when you ask me questions and I don’t know how much you really know so I lie and tell half truths, or answer your questions with I don’t know or I can’t remember. I tell you that I didn’t mean to hurt you, that it just happened, and I don’t know why I continued it for so long, lying to you and carrying it on for years. I tell you that you were never meant to find out and that if I ever thought you would find out, I wouldn’t have done all those things to you for four years. Never. And all you want to know is what went on between me and this man, so you can put some context around this destructive thing that I have caused. But to try to push the blame on you, I tell you I thought our marriage was shit anyway – even before the affair. That I was bored. And the affair filled the void, I just didn't tell you what I thought of our marriage before the affair, because it is also a lie, to try to justify my behaviour.
You slowly start to realize that that last 4 years of your life have been a lie. You think back to all the things that we have been through in the last four years and its all a lie. Holidays, family days, good times, ordinary times. You have been here in this marriage all through that time and not known that I could do this to you. Imagine you think you don’t know me anymore, who I am, what I am capable of, why I have changed. Imagine that everything you felt was real and safe is no longer. Imagine that your world crashes in around you.
Imagine that nothing in the last 4 years feels real . You look back at happy times and cannot comprehend the level and depth of my deceit. You look at me and everything feels fake. All the times I have been with you, all the things we have talked about and all the things we have done. All fake. And you just want to start understanding why, because none of this is believable. You can’t believe it. You look at me and you can’t believe I could hurt you this way, your pain is unfathomable. You can’t believe it, because I am your wife, you love me and you trust me. This wasn’t the deal we signed up to. But imagine this horror that I have now created is very real.
You want to know what me and this other man talked about, what we did, when we were together, where we went, but I tell you I can't remember or I don’t know. I tell you it's only about you and me now. Its about us getting back on track and looking forward, not backward. I don't want to see him or talk to him. Imagine you know how long this has been going on, under your nose, and now despite lying to you and deceiving you for a very long time, I'm asking you to believe me now, that it was all a terrible mistake and that I never meant to hurt you, because you were never meant to find out. Imagine that the replies I give to your questions do not heal you, that they build walls for you, not break them down. And you can’t understand why I would do that to you, after what I have already done to you. Imagine I have broken your heart in a most unimaginable way. Imagine that I have had a relationship and jeapordised our marriage for someone who was just a friend, for someone that I thought I got on well with, with someone who did not really care about me or our relationship at all and with whom I consciously conspired to destabilize and even destroy the safe and secure feelings you felt you had in our relationship.
Imagine that you believed that by talking about this, understanding why and how some things happened with that man, it would make you start to feel better, and allow some of the trust to be rebuilt. Imagine if you could help me find a way back in, after everything I did to you. Imagine if every time you asked me about my affair you felt I defended both my relationship with him, and also my treatment of you. Imagine how you might feel and how it might impact on your ability to start to forgive me and trust me again. Imagine that you question everything I say and do, that you no longer trust your own judgement because you failed to see what was going on. That how this infidelity I invited into our marriage, has eroded your belief system, your trust of people and now you have a basic inability to be even warm towards people.
Imagine that you are now hardened to the world with the burden of what happened to you. That two people consciously conspired to deceive and lie to you. The one person that you should be able to rely on - your wife. Consciously conspired to deceive and lie to you, consciously put another man before you. Your wife that made the vows that bind you together - “and forsaking all others”. You can’t accept or even start to believe that your wife could conspire to do this with someone else, who was insignificant, against you, violating you, knowing in your heart who you believed she was and what she stood for. But you were never supposed to find out, and he was just a friend that I got on with.
Imagine that you are now terrified that you can look in my eyes and I can lie to you barefacedly. Imagine that you struggle every day with not knowing where the line between protecting yourself from my lies and my relationship with someone else, and trying to allow yourself to be properly part of the relationship.
The hardest part is that for you, my story is just imagination. But your story is actually my reality. I have to try fight those images and this knowledge every single day. I have to think about all the times you spent with her, building a relationship, f*cking her, flirting and laughing with her, holding hands with her, travelling with her, sharing a bottle of wine with her, sharing secret looks together, planning secret drinks and sex together to fit her kid schedule. And me - trying to believe that none of this was planned. But in reality it was planned and it was conscious and you made it your choice to do this to us. You did it because you wanted to, and you could and you couldn’t see the difference between doing right in your marriage or having the excitement of adultery. And all the time I am your wife, you came home to me for 4 years like nothing had ever happened between the two of you and you lie to me and deceive me and betray me. Every day. Over and over, every single day for 4 years.
I have to try to balance the love I have for you, have always had for you, with knowing that you are capable of hurting and destroying me this way, then burying it all deep for no one to find, and expecting me to pick up the pieces of my shattered life and carry on again to make you feel better, without really understanding what happened to you, to us, in those four years.
I am grateful that I haven't done these things not because I didn't sometimes imagine them or even have the opportunity for them, but because I don't ever want the responsibility of knowing I could ever hurt you in the same way . It truly is beyond imagination. I don't think, even if you tried very, very hard to put yourself in my place, that you could ever really know the depth of my pain. I was so proud of our marriage and our relationship. I was so proud of you and who you were and what we created together. I looked at our children and believed them to be a product of a joint and equal love-filled, committed relationship. I thought we both believed the same things and shared the same goals. I believed we were safe inside our own little bubble, that the difficulties that we sometimes had in our marriage were normal, like everyone else had, and that actually, we had the ability to overcome them, in a loving, adult environment and where we could always find solace from the outside world without anyone else ever being invited to able to intrude on that. I thought you knew better than that. I believed and trusted that you were better than that. I believed so firmly in you, in true love, fidelity, and your honesty.
You're ashamed of yourself and feeling guilty and get mad at me again for bringing it all up, for making you relive it. Because you believe that protecting yourself, is protecting me. But it isn’t. It just serves to frustrate the situation more and builds more walls of deceit. Remember, you agreed to do anything to help us reconcile. This isn't about you and your needs now, you had your time with her to be self serving. This is about trying to understand how I feel, and how you can help me overcome this terrible tragedy you and she caused.
It's not about you. This is where I am. This is why I struggle every day. This is why I am sometimes distant, this is why I cry. This is why I now struggle to give myself to you wholly and completely because between you, you both destroyed something in me. This is why I hate her and want her to feel as bad as I do. I already know that she is damaged beyond repair, that you protected her and encouraged this. That she is happy to settle for bits and pieces of men when it is offered and to use it to further her own needs is the act of a despicable, toxic woman. Allied to that her need to “acquire” someone else’s husband and to be so calculated in yet another marriage breakdown tells me that she will never learn to be a decent human being. She will never be able to enjoy the true delights of a relationship shrouded in love and wholeheartedness, What’s more, she will never deserve to.
I realize that what I want from you is for you to be able to put aside your own embarrassment, shame & guilt long enough for you to try and really understand how I feel and for you to acknowledge those feelings, I want to be able to talk about this massive issue in our marriage in a calm way, but your constant stonewalling of questions, and your standard responses of “she was my friend”, “I can’t remember” and “I don’t know” creates a wall between us.
I really struggle with you understanding the pain I feel about your affair – not just when I found out for certain, but also when I suspected and confirmed that you were involved with her during that 4 year period so I wanted you to think about if the roles were reversed, and how it might feel for you for you to try to get some idea of what & how I feel, that way, you might just be able to understand the things you would want to know to be able to try to reconcile your deliberate and conscious act to destroy me and our marriage.
I want you to imagine my hands, my lips, on another man's body. It's someone you know of. Someone I work with and like and I think is a friend to me. Someone perhaps that you felt uncomfortable about me having a friendship with. Imagine you once even had the courage to tell me that you felt uncomfortable about me liking or working with this man. But I just laugh and make you feel silly when you tell me that, and I look in your eyes and say ”we are just friends that’s all, we work together really well, you know, you would get on really well with him” You believe that, because you trust me, because I am your wife, that there really is nothing going on between us, that he really is just a work colleague and a friend and you accept that we have to work together because he is supporting me with developing business with my clients. You could not imagine in a million years that I would do anything to put our marriage at risk.
I tell you that yes, I think he is a great guy, one of the best I have ever worked with, he makes me laugh, he is amazed at my work ethic and approach, he flatters me, but come on, I'm married to you, we have children together, we are building a beautiful home together, planning our future life and retirement together. You believe me because I am your wife, and you love me and trust me, but you still feel like something is not right. Whenever you bring up your fears I just get annoyed and make you feel bad about thinking something so awful about me. So you decide you're just a tiny bit jealous of the fact that I am so effusive about a work colleague and that your fears are unfounded and unreasonable. And so you stuff your concern and worry deeper and continue to mow the lawn, clean the cars, help with the children, go to work, have holidays, visit family and friends, discuss our finances and plan your future, together with me. I am your wife.
Imagine that once, when I was away overnight with him, on business matters, you were at home with children, helping with their homework, doing the washing, sorting out the bills, emptying the dishwasher, doing all the mundane but necessary, usual, routine, tiring and often boring jobs at the end of the work day - he and I have dinner and drinks. Later, we go to sit in the hotel lounge, close together on a sofa, talking about our lives, families, hopes aspirations, flirting unashamedly with each other and he leans over me to hear something I said quietly and his hand brushes against my face. Suddenly, I turn to him and he is kissing me. I don't mean to respond, but I am flattered that he touches me and appears to want me, and I choose not to stop myself from responding to his touch and his kiss. I do have a choice, I am not been coerced , and I choose to carry on.
I don’t think about you at home, not once, you there with the girls, doing all that mundane stuff. I am excited by the attention he gives me. He makes me feel good. We end up in my hotel room. I never check myself to ask if this is right or wrong. My eyes on are on his. He isn't you. He smells different, feels different, touches me differently, and the next thing I know our clothes are on the floor, he pushes me to the bed and lowers himself onto me and he is inside me. We f*ck all night. I never ever once think about you, or the consequences of what has just happened. The next day, he and I talk about what happened the night before, that it felt good and we enjoyed it, but eventually we say it shouldn’t happen again, it was good but it was a mistake, a one-off. No-one will ever know. No-one need ever know.
Even though our lives are insanely busy, somehow this man and I make time every day to talk, in the office, when we are travelling together, on our mobile phones, telling each other we look good, or smell nice, or we’ve handled a work problem well, flattering each others ego at every opportunity - sometimes you try to call me and I get you off the phone quickly so I can call him, or I don’t miss him calling me.
Not long after he and I have agreed that we shouldn’t have an affair we find we are making time to be with each other whenever we can and work ways of meeting so we can to be together to f*ck. I ask family and friends to have my children when you can’t so I can "work late" and meet him at hotels. I go to lunch with him, just the two of us and never ever mention him or any of this to you. I touch his hands while we talk. Brush against him when we're in a public place, stroke his leg when we are in the car together, teasing him, going to business meetings and wanting them to be over so we can be together, just the two of us, in the car, talking, laughing, enjoying his company. Being his friend. F*cking him because it and he feeds my ego.
But I never ever think about what I might be doing to my life or my marriage, or the devastating effect it will have on you if you ever find out. My saving grace is that I naively think you won’t find out.
Imagine you and I go away together on a holiday – and in the taxi from the airport I receive a lot of texts, which I read and smile about. You ask me who they are from and I say, just the girls from the office and look at you like you are crazy for asking such a question. Later, when I am in the bath, you read those texts, and they are not “from the girls in the office” but from the guy at the office who is my “friend” who I get on with, and who you are now feeling very uncomfortable about.
You also realize that the texts are not the sort that a work colleague, or a friend would send you quite inappropriate – saying he missed me a lot, he was sat at my desk and how good it felt to be sat at my desk, how he couldn’t wait until I was back in the office. Imagine that you ask me about those texts again and I give you some stupid reply that I can’t control what people send to me, and I make you feel really bad for even asking me such a thing. Imagine how you would feel reading those texts, knowing that something is very wrong. But I am your wife, you trust that I wouldn’t do anything wrong with another man, a friend, a work colleague, who I get on with.
Imagine we have another holiday and I am constantly on the phone, canvassing your sympathy because things in the office ”really can’t wait until I get back” in a weeks time. I concoct some story about someone who has discovered she has cancer and you feel sympathetic and think what a wonderful person your wife is, taking time out of her family holiday, because a work colleague is in need. But that story isn’t true, I am in contact with this man. I now need this man to feed my ego, even when I am on holiday with my family. I believe that you will never notice me texting and talking “to the office” because you are so involved with the holiday, sunbathing, reading a book, or being with the girls.
Imagine that, whenever I can, I climb into bed with him and let him hold me and kiss me and touch me intimately and remove my clothes. Imagine my naked body stretched out against his. Imagine having to constantly fight the mind movies where you see the two of us next to each other, together in bed, his mouth on my breasts, his arms around me, laughing together, and me never thinking about you or the girls, acting without a care or responsibility in the world. He makes me feel good in a way that I think you don’t make me feel.
And I am married to you the whole time. I do the same things with you in our bed and you never know, you’re never meant to find out. And when this happens with him, after he has cuddled me, held me, f*cked me, you come home from work and I kiss you and put dinner on the table, and help the kids with their homework, talk to you about normal things and go to bed like absolutely nothing has happened.
Imagine me holding his hand, stroking his face, biting his fingers when enters me, all exactly the same way as I always have with you. And then imagine trying to believe that when I tell you I love you, that I actually do despite the fact that this man is now consuming me completely. Can you believe that I still love you in the same way I always have? Imagine me having an orgasm with this person-- because of the way he licked and touched me and stroked me and made me feel - and then imagine me telling you when I had been found out that I didn't really enjoy it, it was mechanical. You can’t and don’t really believe that it was. Imagine me afterwards, sweaty and naked in his arms, and then try to believe I didn't really have a physical and emotional connection with him. That I didn't really want to do it, that I tried really hard to keep it from happening again and again. Imagine me telling him when I would be away from home so that we could meet, imagine how we both would plan our business trips carefully, so we could be together to have dinner and drinks and to f*ck each other, and then try to believe me when I say I never planned or chose for this to happen.
And all the while you are at home, the compliant husband, worrying about the change in me, worrying that my job was draining me, tiring me out, making me short-tempered and distant with you. You can’t understand what has got into me, you ask me lots of times if I am ok, but I brush you off with silly reasons. I even ask you if you are seeing other people, as a ploy to try to make you feel guilty in a way to help me manage mine – oh yes, I do feel guilty of sorts, but not nearly enough to stop my relationship with this other man, the guilt will pass, as soon as I see him again because I can bury it where no-one will ever find it. After all you are never going to find out. You trust me, You would never believe I could do this to you, that I could be so untrustworthy - after all I am your wife. You truly love me and think I truly love you and that nothing so destructive could ever come between us. You can’t imagine that I actually think I can be this destructive. Imagine you look me in the eyes with love & care but unbeknown to you I stick the broadsword in your heart every time I see this man.
Imagine at times you completely don’t understand my venomous replies to anything you talk to me about. I see the hurt in your eyes but I turn away from you. You don’t realize it is because he is now the centre of my world, He is feeding my ego, and I love the excitement and I love the power I think I have over you both. I almost have no regard for you, such is the strength of my fantasy life with this other man. We are invincible, you don’t count. You haven’t counted for a long time. But I keep telling myself it has to end. I tell myself for four long years. But I can’t. I like the excitement too much and you will never find out. Besides, I think you don’t want me anymore, I have a notion that you don’t love me anymore, you make me feel lonely. I deliberately don’t connect with you or talk deeply with you so I can perpetrate these false feelings I have created to cover my guilt. I don’t ask you about it of course, nor do I ever try to have a conversation with you about our marriage, but I think you will never find out about me and this other man………………….
Imagine me sharing intimate details of our marriage with this man. Imagine I tell him how much money you earn, the car you drive, about our children, our holidays, about the friends we have, about our family and the things you do and say that make me angry. Imagine me telling him things about you that he will later bring back up. He will say your name with disdain, because now he has developed feelings for me and wonders where our affair is going. He wants me to make a commitment to him. I tell him I won’t leave my family, and this is going nowhere, but I still want our affair to continue. As long as he is happy for it to be that way, why does it matter?
He will be annoyed when I tell him that we are doing something as a family. He will start to manipulate me, causing arguments and then wheedling his way back under my skin - but I don’t see that because I am now blinded with the excitement of our affair and I care nothing for you, because I "think" you care nothing for me. And I don’t worry about contraception because he told me had had a vasectomy. So I don’t worry about getting pregnant. And I don’t think about my health because I think he is a clean person, a nice person, a friend, a director of a business, therefore he couldn’t possibly have any sexually transmitted diseases could he? I don’t think about his past partners, I don’t even ask. I never give a passing thought about you or your health either, not once, not ever.
Imagine me waking up in his arms. In his hotel bed. Imagine me on the phone with him or texting him as soon as I leave for work, or you leave the house. Imagine me racing through my calls to you so I can hang up and immediately call him. Imagine me switching my phone off when I am with him, so you can’t get hold of me because I don’t like to upset him by talking to you when he is with me. It kills the moment for both of us if I have to talk to my husband.
Imagine us slipping away from everyone else at the Christmas Party to kiss and f*ck in my hotel room. Imagine that and then try to believe he meant nothing to me. Imagine finding a poem he has given me, hidden away, that I never mentioned to you. Imagine that you smell his aftershave in my car, it’s not yours, and you can’t imagine whose it is, but you ask me and I brush you off with a lame excuse that it could be anybody – I look you in the eye when I say this to you and you believe me. I am your wife.
Weeks later, you smell that same smell again, but this time, you smell it on my blouse in the washing basket. It’s a definitive smell, male, definitely not my perfume. One time, you make love to me and you smell that smell on my skin, near my breasts and thighs and you think the worst, but you don’t mention it because it will cause a problem or even a row between us. I will brush it off again. You start to think that you are imagining things, that you are going mad, but still there is that nagging doubt. But eventually you brush it off, because I am your wife and you trust me. I wouldn’t lie to you, would I?
Imagine that I chose to do this. I now actively encourage our affair, I choose to spend time with him to the detriment of my family, I choose to let him touch me. I choose to touch him, intimately, I choose to kiss him and hold him and make him orgasm. I choose to turn my back on you, I choose to have a secret relationship. I choose to put my energy into spending time with him, and not you. I tell him every day when I see him that he looks good and I fancy him like mad, that I can’t wait until we can spend some more time together. I promise him I will try to stay away from home when it’s convenient for him to be with me. You think I am working, I am conscientious in my work, you know it is important to me. You have no reason not to believe me - I am your wife, you trust me.
Imagine then, you have been watching me and him for months now, checking up on me and you know something is not right. Something is very wrong. You can’t get through to me any more, I don’t appear to be listening to you, I don’t pay you any attention at all. I often don’t answer you when you talk to me. You sense something this wrong. You ask about my relationship with him, and I say we are just friends. You ask me outright if I have had an affair with him and I look you right in the eye and tell you I am not having an affair with him, we are just good friends. Imagine me telling you that it wasn’t what you think. We are good friends, we get on well. We are work colleagues.
But imagine something tells you that you don’t believe what I am telling you. You now start observing me much more closely. You ask me questions and you absolutely know I am lying, because you have evidence of my affair. You catch me out eventually and confront me and I cry. I tell you I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to hurt you because you weren’t meant to find out. I tell you that none of this was planned, that is just happened. That I felt lonely and bored and he filled a gap and flattered me. It made me feel good. But I did all of these things outside our marriage, while coming home to you and being your wife, but I never meant them to affect you. I wasn’t ever going to leave you, or follow through with anything, even when he asked me where we were going, where our relationship was going. He was just such a good friend that I didn’t know how to end it without losing his friendship. Because I think I really really believed that his friendship and our affair was far more important than you and any marriage vows I had made to you.
Imagine that I lie to you about the details at first, I minimize the affair, I minimize our relationship and the length of time it has been going on actually, I don’t minimize it - I just lie more to you because I am now such a consummate liar. I tell you it was not a big deal – we were just friends, but when I find out just how much you know, how much pain I have caused you, I cry and apologize over and over. Imagine I promise it's over. I won't talk to him anymore. I won't have any contact anymore. And I am angry when you won't trust me the same way you did before. I am pissed off with you when you ask me questions and I don’t know how much you really know so I lie and tell half truths, or answer your questions with I don’t know or I can’t remember. I tell you that I didn’t mean to hurt you, that it just happened, and I don’t know why I continued it for so long, lying to you and carrying it on for years. I tell you that you were never meant to find out and that if I ever thought you would find out, I wouldn’t have done all those things to you for four years. Never. And all you want to know is what went on between me and this man, so you can put some context around this destructive thing that I have caused. But to try to push the blame on you, I tell you I thought our marriage was shit anyway – even before the affair. That I was bored. And the affair filled the void, I just didn't tell you what I thought of our marriage before the affair, because it is also a lie, to try to justify my behaviour.
You slowly start to realize that that last 4 years of your life have been a lie. You think back to all the things that we have been through in the last four years and its all a lie. Holidays, family days, good times, ordinary times. You have been here in this marriage all through that time and not known that I could do this to you. Imagine you think you don’t know me anymore, who I am, what I am capable of, why I have changed. Imagine that everything you felt was real and safe is no longer. Imagine that your world crashes in around you.
Imagine that nothing in the last 4 years feels real . You look back at happy times and cannot comprehend the level and depth of my deceit. You look at me and everything feels fake. All the times I have been with you, all the things we have talked about and all the things we have done. All fake. And you just want to start understanding why, because none of this is believable. You can’t believe it. You look at me and you can’t believe I could hurt you this way, your pain is unfathomable. You can’t believe it, because I am your wife, you love me and you trust me. This wasn’t the deal we signed up to. But imagine this horror that I have now created is very real.
You want to know what me and this other man talked about, what we did, when we were together, where we went, but I tell you I can't remember or I don’t know. I tell you it's only about you and me now. Its about us getting back on track and looking forward, not backward. I don't want to see him or talk to him. Imagine you know how long this has been going on, under your nose, and now despite lying to you and deceiving you for a very long time, I'm asking you to believe me now, that it was all a terrible mistake and that I never meant to hurt you, because you were never meant to find out. Imagine that the replies I give to your questions do not heal you, that they build walls for you, not break them down. And you can’t understand why I would do that to you, after what I have already done to you. Imagine I have broken your heart in a most unimaginable way. Imagine that I have had a relationship and jeapordised our marriage for someone who was just a friend, for someone that I thought I got on well with, with someone who did not really care about me or our relationship at all and with whom I consciously conspired to destabilize and even destroy the safe and secure feelings you felt you had in our relationship.
Imagine that you believed that by talking about this, understanding why and how some things happened with that man, it would make you start to feel better, and allow some of the trust to be rebuilt. Imagine if you could help me find a way back in, after everything I did to you. Imagine if every time you asked me about my affair you felt I defended both my relationship with him, and also my treatment of you. Imagine how you might feel and how it might impact on your ability to start to forgive me and trust me again. Imagine that you question everything I say and do, that you no longer trust your own judgement because you failed to see what was going on. That how this infidelity I invited into our marriage, has eroded your belief system, your trust of people and now you have a basic inability to be even warm towards people.
Imagine that you are now hardened to the world with the burden of what happened to you. That two people consciously conspired to deceive and lie to you. The one person that you should be able to rely on - your wife. Consciously conspired to deceive and lie to you, consciously put another man before you. Your wife that made the vows that bind you together - “and forsaking all others”. You can’t accept or even start to believe that your wife could conspire to do this with someone else, who was insignificant, against you, violating you, knowing in your heart who you believed she was and what she stood for. But you were never supposed to find out, and he was just a friend that I got on with.
Imagine that you are now terrified that you can look in my eyes and I can lie to you barefacedly. Imagine that you struggle every day with not knowing where the line between protecting yourself from my lies and my relationship with someone else, and trying to allow yourself to be properly part of the relationship.
The hardest part is that for you, my story is just imagination. But your story is actually my reality. I have to try fight those images and this knowledge every single day. I have to think about all the times you spent with her, building a relationship, f*cking her, flirting and laughing with her, holding hands with her, travelling with her, sharing a bottle of wine with her, sharing secret looks together, planning secret drinks and sex together to fit her kid schedule. And me - trying to believe that none of this was planned. But in reality it was planned and it was conscious and you made it your choice to do this to us. You did it because you wanted to, and you could and you couldn’t see the difference between doing right in your marriage or having the excitement of adultery. And all the time I am your wife, you came home to me for 4 years like nothing had ever happened between the two of you and you lie to me and deceive me and betray me. Every day. Over and over, every single day for 4 years.
I have to try to balance the love I have for you, have always had for you, with knowing that you are capable of hurting and destroying me this way, then burying it all deep for no one to find, and expecting me to pick up the pieces of my shattered life and carry on again to make you feel better, without really understanding what happened to you, to us, in those four years.
I am grateful that I haven't done these things not because I didn't sometimes imagine them or even have the opportunity for them, but because I don't ever want the responsibility of knowing I could ever hurt you in the same way . It truly is beyond imagination. I don't think, even if you tried very, very hard to put yourself in my place, that you could ever really know the depth of my pain. I was so proud of our marriage and our relationship. I was so proud of you and who you were and what we created together. I looked at our children and believed them to be a product of a joint and equal love-filled, committed relationship. I thought we both believed the same things and shared the same goals. I believed we were safe inside our own little bubble, that the difficulties that we sometimes had in our marriage were normal, like everyone else had, and that actually, we had the ability to overcome them, in a loving, adult environment and where we could always find solace from the outside world without anyone else ever being invited to able to intrude on that. I thought you knew better than that. I believed and trusted that you were better than that. I believed so firmly in you, in true love, fidelity, and your honesty.
You're ashamed of yourself and feeling guilty and get mad at me again for bringing it all up, for making you relive it. Because you believe that protecting yourself, is protecting me. But it isn’t. It just serves to frustrate the situation more and builds more walls of deceit. Remember, you agreed to do anything to help us reconcile. This isn't about you and your needs now, you had your time with her to be self serving. This is about trying to understand how I feel, and how you can help me overcome this terrible tragedy you and she caused.
It's not about you. This is where I am. This is why I struggle every day. This is why I am sometimes distant, this is why I cry. This is why I now struggle to give myself to you wholly and completely because between you, you both destroyed something in me. This is why I hate her and want her to feel as bad as I do. I already know that she is damaged beyond repair, that you protected her and encouraged this. That she is happy to settle for bits and pieces of men when it is offered and to use it to further her own needs is the act of a despicable, toxic woman. Allied to that her need to “acquire” someone else’s husband and to be so calculated in yet another marriage breakdown tells me that she will never learn to be a decent human being. She will never be able to enjoy the true delights of a relationship shrouded in love and wholeheartedness, What’s more, she will never deserve to.
Thursday 15 January 2009
To all Married Men looking to Cheat
Saw this and wanted to share....
To all married men looking to cheat:
1. You wife is not the reason your marriage sucks. YOU are. If you spent half as much time paying attention to her as you do as sh*gging someone else your marriage would be a whole hell of a lot better.
2. Yeah, yeah, we've all heard it a thousand times. You're in a loveless marriage. Your wife doesn't "understand" you. First of all, that's probably a lie, because most cheaters are liars too. I'm going to let you in on a little secret - if your wife isn't interested in you, it's because you're not offering her anything that's interesting. Sex with married men gets awfully boring after a while. They do the same boring thing the same boring way every time and they expect you to scream like a porn star. Seriously, you come home from work, totally ignore her while she chases the kids around for hours, makes dinner, does the laundry, blah blah blah, and then you expect her to roll over for another session of boring same-old same-old? When are you idiots going to learn that the best foreplay in the world for a woman is watching you take care of the kids, vacuuming the floor, doing the laundry and appreciating & respecting your wife for what she does. Or how about just listening when she talks? Surely it's not that hard to stop thinking about yourself for five minutes and hear what she has to say.
3.Your children are NOT the reason you're staying married. If you were THAT miserable, you'd leave whether you had kids or not. You obviously don't care enough about your kids to treat their mother with enough respect not to cheat on her, and you don't care about them enough to spend time with THEM instead of some cheap whore from work. There is absolutely nothing honorable about putting your dirty secret sex-life & whore ahead of your kids. If you really really cared about them, you would put ALL your time and effort and money into saving the one thing that means most to them in the whole world- your marriage and their family.
4. We all know how bored and lonely you are. It was your first excuse as to why you made very bad choices. Poor you, someone should really come along to entertain you. What are you, 3 years old? If you're bored with your marriage, it's because YOU'RE BORING. Have you ever stopped to think that if you're bored, she probably is too. But instead of throwing a temper tantrum like a 2 year old, she's at home cleaning out the lint trap on the dryer and washing sticky food off the kitchen floor. Yeah, she's having a riot washing your underwear and cleaning up after you. Marriage is hard work. Hell, life is hard work. Grow up and take some responsibility for yourself. You have a brain, USE it. Put some thought into your marriage and some effort into your life and stop blaming your wife and being a stupid tw*t because your life isn't fun.
5. Your new whore is younger. Sure she is - first off because you want to find someone as stupid as yourself, who will believe everything you say & do and lap up the stupid drivel that comes out of your mouth, making you feel oh so superior. You think that a younger person with the brain the size of a pea will be more attractive and find you attractive? Get this - You think you look the same as you did when you got married? I'd bet not. Even if you do, you haven't spent the past years having babies (the ones YOU wanted) and sacrificing your body for them. The next time you have to have someone stitch your a$$hole together because you just pushed a watermelon out of it, then you can squawk. If you ever spend 9 months with your belly stretched to obscene proportions, and manage to look exactly the same as you used to 6 weeks later, then you can bitch about how unattractive she is these days. Until then, SHUT UP. You have no concept of what she sacrificed to give you the children you claim to love. You really think she wants varicose veins and stretch marks and saggy boobs? Get real. What she wants is a man who understands and values WHY she has varicose veins and stretch marks and saggy boobs. She wants a man who loves her exclusively because she was willing to make those sacrifices with her own body because she loves HIM. Instead, you criticize and disrespect her and go running off with the first 35 year old whore who gives you the time of day.
6. And finally, if you're cheating on your wife, there is something wrong with YOU. If you're not happy with your marriage, exactly how do you think shagging some loose tart is going to fix that? Exactly how is that going to make anyone happy? Have you ever actually heard of adultery working out really well for everyone involved? Are you actually really stupid enough to think that you're going to be the exception to that rule? If you are, you are delusional and you need professional help. Affairs are disasters- not some of the time, not most of the time, ALL OF THE TIME. Your guilt will drive you crazy. Your wife WILL find out. You will NOT be able to keep up the lies and the deception. And it will all lead up to a disaster of epic proportions, see point 7.
7. Here's what you can expect in the wake of your next infidelity-fest:
Divorce- this is where you lose everything- your wife, your house, half your income, your pension, your possessions, your credibility, your kids - EVERYTHING. You will LOSE IT ALL.
Exposure- this is where everyone finds out what a scumbag you really are. And they WILL find out. Your boss, your co-workers, your friends, your family, your wife's family, the whores family, your neighbours, the parents of your kids' friends, everyone who knows you. They WILL find out. Why? Because your wife will tell them. Your wife will probably tell everyone she knows, and everyone you know, and she will feel good doing it.
Your Kids- this is where you totally lose the respect of your kids, and you deserve to lose it. They will realize in pretty short order that you didn't care enough about them to keep your trousers on. They will see their mother cry and they will hate you for it. They will end up shuttling back and forth between their home and your hovel, and they will hate you for it. Every time they have to tell someone that their parents are divorced, they will hate you for it. And God forbid you decide to "introduce" them to your whore - they will REALLY hate you for that.
They will forever see you as the moron who broke up their family. They will know that you can't be trusted, that you are weak and immoral and selfish. And they'll figure it out all by themselves, even if you never talk to them about it. Because your kids are smarter than you are at this moment in time.
So, go ahead and whine your pathetic bullshit about how you're a victim and your wife is a horrible shrew and you are “lonely” and “bored”. Do your best to convince yourself that you didn't have any choice and your wife "drove you to it." Start with the rationalizations and justifications now, you're going to need a lot of them. Remember that the best defense is a good offense and start a mental list of all the ways your wife is deficient. Make sure to re-write the history of your marriage so that you can say to your whore that you were miserable from the first day. Be sure to tell your wife that whilst you love her, you're just not "in love" with her anymore. Deal with your guilt by lashing out at everyone around you. Above all, take no responsibility for any problems YOU may have caused that make you to be such a spineless bastard in the first place.
To all married men looking to cheat:
1. You wife is not the reason your marriage sucks. YOU are. If you spent half as much time paying attention to her as you do as sh*gging someone else your marriage would be a whole hell of a lot better.
2. Yeah, yeah, we've all heard it a thousand times. You're in a loveless marriage. Your wife doesn't "understand" you. First of all, that's probably a lie, because most cheaters are liars too. I'm going to let you in on a little secret - if your wife isn't interested in you, it's because you're not offering her anything that's interesting. Sex with married men gets awfully boring after a while. They do the same boring thing the same boring way every time and they expect you to scream like a porn star. Seriously, you come home from work, totally ignore her while she chases the kids around for hours, makes dinner, does the laundry, blah blah blah, and then you expect her to roll over for another session of boring same-old same-old? When are you idiots going to learn that the best foreplay in the world for a woman is watching you take care of the kids, vacuuming the floor, doing the laundry and appreciating & respecting your wife for what she does. Or how about just listening when she talks? Surely it's not that hard to stop thinking about yourself for five minutes and hear what she has to say.
3.Your children are NOT the reason you're staying married. If you were THAT miserable, you'd leave whether you had kids or not. You obviously don't care enough about your kids to treat their mother with enough respect not to cheat on her, and you don't care about them enough to spend time with THEM instead of some cheap whore from work. There is absolutely nothing honorable about putting your dirty secret sex-life & whore ahead of your kids. If you really really cared about them, you would put ALL your time and effort and money into saving the one thing that means most to them in the whole world- your marriage and their family.
4. We all know how bored and lonely you are. It was your first excuse as to why you made very bad choices. Poor you, someone should really come along to entertain you. What are you, 3 years old? If you're bored with your marriage, it's because YOU'RE BORING. Have you ever stopped to think that if you're bored, she probably is too. But instead of throwing a temper tantrum like a 2 year old, she's at home cleaning out the lint trap on the dryer and washing sticky food off the kitchen floor. Yeah, she's having a riot washing your underwear and cleaning up after you. Marriage is hard work. Hell, life is hard work. Grow up and take some responsibility for yourself. You have a brain, USE it. Put some thought into your marriage and some effort into your life and stop blaming your wife and being a stupid tw*t because your life isn't fun.
5. Your new whore is younger. Sure she is - first off because you want to find someone as stupid as yourself, who will believe everything you say & do and lap up the stupid drivel that comes out of your mouth, making you feel oh so superior. You think that a younger person with the brain the size of a pea will be more attractive and find you attractive? Get this - You think you look the same as you did when you got married? I'd bet not. Even if you do, you haven't spent the past years having babies (the ones YOU wanted) and sacrificing your body for them. The next time you have to have someone stitch your a$$hole together because you just pushed a watermelon out of it, then you can squawk. If you ever spend 9 months with your belly stretched to obscene proportions, and manage to look exactly the same as you used to 6 weeks later, then you can bitch about how unattractive she is these days. Until then, SHUT UP. You have no concept of what she sacrificed to give you the children you claim to love. You really think she wants varicose veins and stretch marks and saggy boobs? Get real. What she wants is a man who understands and values WHY she has varicose veins and stretch marks and saggy boobs. She wants a man who loves her exclusively because she was willing to make those sacrifices with her own body because she loves HIM. Instead, you criticize and disrespect her and go running off with the first 35 year old whore who gives you the time of day.
6. And finally, if you're cheating on your wife, there is something wrong with YOU. If you're not happy with your marriage, exactly how do you think shagging some loose tart is going to fix that? Exactly how is that going to make anyone happy? Have you ever actually heard of adultery working out really well for everyone involved? Are you actually really stupid enough to think that you're going to be the exception to that rule? If you are, you are delusional and you need professional help. Affairs are disasters- not some of the time, not most of the time, ALL OF THE TIME. Your guilt will drive you crazy. Your wife WILL find out. You will NOT be able to keep up the lies and the deception. And it will all lead up to a disaster of epic proportions, see point 7.
7. Here's what you can expect in the wake of your next infidelity-fest:
Divorce- this is where you lose everything- your wife, your house, half your income, your pension, your possessions, your credibility, your kids - EVERYTHING. You will LOSE IT ALL.
Exposure- this is where everyone finds out what a scumbag you really are. And they WILL find out. Your boss, your co-workers, your friends, your family, your wife's family, the whores family, your neighbours, the parents of your kids' friends, everyone who knows you. They WILL find out. Why? Because your wife will tell them. Your wife will probably tell everyone she knows, and everyone you know, and she will feel good doing it.
Your Kids- this is where you totally lose the respect of your kids, and you deserve to lose it. They will realize in pretty short order that you didn't care enough about them to keep your trousers on. They will see their mother cry and they will hate you for it. They will end up shuttling back and forth between their home and your hovel, and they will hate you for it. Every time they have to tell someone that their parents are divorced, they will hate you for it. And God forbid you decide to "introduce" them to your whore - they will REALLY hate you for that.
They will forever see you as the moron who broke up their family. They will know that you can't be trusted, that you are weak and immoral and selfish. And they'll figure it out all by themselves, even if you never talk to them about it. Because your kids are smarter than you are at this moment in time.
So, go ahead and whine your pathetic bullshit about how you're a victim and your wife is a horrible shrew and you are “lonely” and “bored”. Do your best to convince yourself that you didn't have any choice and your wife "drove you to it." Start with the rationalizations and justifications now, you're going to need a lot of them. Remember that the best defense is a good offense and start a mental list of all the ways your wife is deficient. Make sure to re-write the history of your marriage so that you can say to your whore that you were miserable from the first day. Be sure to tell your wife that whilst you love her, you're just not "in love" with her anymore. Deal with your guilt by lashing out at everyone around you. Above all, take no responsibility for any problems YOU may have caused that make you to be such a spineless bastard in the first place.
Wednesday 14 January 2009
A Long Overdue Rant
I don't get this, please let me know if I am missing something or this is really the sum total of you and the whores damaged minds.
You had an affair with someone you didn’t fancy, that you didn’t connect with at any emotional level, who didn’t matter an iota to you. You didn’t once think about the consequences around health, your home, your wife, your wife’s feelings, your marriage and the effects on it. You lied to my face constantly during that period, not little kind lies either, great big massive life changing damaging lies and you don’t understand why I have such an issue in “getting it” and “getting over it”.
So, I hope you were ecstatically happy during that period where you lived in your stupid fantasy land with your skanky whore getting your massive selfish egos flattered every day whilst you ignored your wife’s needs, lied barefaced to her, but pretended to her that your life with her was hunky dory.
I hope you look back with fondness at how you systematically destroyed my self esteem, the joy in my life and my ability to trust anyone.
I hope you are proud that I find myself once again in turmoil, in counselling, trying to come to terms with and undo all the hurt and damage you caused because “you felt lonely on business trips” and made some conscious choices that you KNEW were wrong.
I hope you look back with positive thoughts about how much you didn’t contribute to your marriage and children’s lives whilst you plotted and planned nights away with your ego-flattering whore under the pretext of working hard for you and the girls.
You need to start working hard around here to demonstrate your loyalty to your family. If you have time to mess around with a marriage wrecker then you are NOT putting the yard work in with your family.
I hope that you and your whore you are proud of just how much damage you can inflict on another human being under the guise of “having your egos flattered” and "being good friends". A true friend to you WOULD NOT TRY TO DAMAGE YOUR MARRIAGE. So never ever try to tell me she was your "friend". She was NOT your friend. Get it? SHE WAS NOT YOUR FRIEND.
I hope that our beautiful daughters never ever ever meet anyone they love unconditionally only to experience what you put their mother through. I hope I never have to comfort them and try to rebuild them if they do.
You had an affair with someone you didn’t fancy, that you didn’t connect with at any emotional level, who didn’t matter an iota to you. You didn’t once think about the consequences around health, your home, your wife, your wife’s feelings, your marriage and the effects on it. You lied to my face constantly during that period, not little kind lies either, great big massive life changing damaging lies and you don’t understand why I have such an issue in “getting it” and “getting over it”.
So, I hope you were ecstatically happy during that period where you lived in your stupid fantasy land with your skanky whore getting your massive selfish egos flattered every day whilst you ignored your wife’s needs, lied barefaced to her, but pretended to her that your life with her was hunky dory.
I hope you look back with fondness at how you systematically destroyed my self esteem, the joy in my life and my ability to trust anyone.
I hope you are proud that I find myself once again in turmoil, in counselling, trying to come to terms with and undo all the hurt and damage you caused because “you felt lonely on business trips” and made some conscious choices that you KNEW were wrong.
I hope you look back with positive thoughts about how much you didn’t contribute to your marriage and children’s lives whilst you plotted and planned nights away with your ego-flattering whore under the pretext of working hard for you and the girls.
You need to start working hard around here to demonstrate your loyalty to your family. If you have time to mess around with a marriage wrecker then you are NOT putting the yard work in with your family.
I hope that you and your whore you are proud of just how much damage you can inflict on another human being under the guise of “having your egos flattered” and "being good friends". A true friend to you WOULD NOT TRY TO DAMAGE YOUR MARRIAGE. So never ever try to tell me she was your "friend". She was NOT your friend. Get it? SHE WAS NOT YOUR FRIEND.
I hope that our beautiful daughters never ever ever meet anyone they love unconditionally only to experience what you put their mother through. I hope I never have to comfort them and try to rebuild them if they do.
NPD - The facts
Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Is this what the so-called "fiance" talked to me about? The criteria for diagnosis appears to describe her perfectly:
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
Has a grandiose sense of self-importance
Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
Believes that he or she is "special" and unique
Requires excessive admiration
Has a sense of entitlement
Is interpersonally exploitative
Lacks empathy
Is often envious of others and believes others are envious of him or her
Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
I think so!!
Is this what the so-called "fiance" talked to me about? The criteria for diagnosis appears to describe her perfectly:
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
Has a grandiose sense of self-importance
Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
Believes that he or she is "special" and unique
Requires excessive admiration
Has a sense of entitlement
Is interpersonally exploitative
Lacks empathy
Is often envious of others and believes others are envious of him or her
Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
I think so!!
Thoughts on Karma
Nemesis too - the spirit of divine retribution for those that succumb to hubris. (a term used in modern English to indicate overweening pride, self-confidence, superciliousness, or arrogance, often resulting in fatal retribution)
The Karma Bus is probably fully tanked up, air in the tyres and is hurtling towards its destination as we speak. Not least the credit crunch will support the journey into oblivion?
A house bought at the peak of the housing market (presumably with a view that my husband would be a contributor to the running cost?)
A house with a mortgage and 2 sub-prime loans against it, eating into the rapidly shrinking equity
A mortgage and credit market that now actively penalises or disqualifies people with little or no equity and lends with much more caution than we have ever seen in the last 15 years.
All that matters to the marriage wrecker is how things "appear" to be. She must keep up this illusion that she is a high earning, well regarded member of the professional community, that she can acquire material goods to attempt to impress, no matter how acquired.
The Karma Bus is probably fully tanked up, air in the tyres and is hurtling towards its destination as we speak. Not least the credit crunch will support the journey into oblivion?
A house bought at the peak of the housing market (presumably with a view that my husband would be a contributor to the running cost?)
A house with a mortgage and 2 sub-prime loans against it, eating into the rapidly shrinking equity
A mortgage and credit market that now actively penalises or disqualifies people with little or no equity and lends with much more caution than we have ever seen in the last 15 years.
All that matters to the marriage wrecker is how things "appear" to be. She must keep up this illusion that she is a high earning, well regarded member of the professional community, that she can acquire material goods to attempt to impress, no matter how acquired.
My Husband's Shoes
So you have a pair of shoes, beautiful soft buttery leather. You treasure them. You have had them for a long time, but each time you put them on, you love the comfortable and familiar feeling they give you as they envelop your feet. They make you feel good wearing them and you know that people always admire them. You care for them very much, always polishing them and making sure they are stored properly in your wardrobe, wrapped in tissue paper and boxed.
One day, you decide for some reason, that you want a change from the beautiful, comfortable shoes that you love. But you don't want to make much investment in them. You spot a discount shop - Savashoe - in the high street and see a cheap pair of shoes that look like they will make you feel good. You eventually acquire these shoes, and at first, they look new and shiny and are flawless in your mind. The make you feel good, hell invincible. You realise that you don't have the same respect for these shoes as you do for the soft buttery leather ones, and you don't polish them regularly, or wrap them in tissue and put them in box in the wardrobe. You very often just kick them off at the end of the day, and never think about them until the next time you wear them.
After a few weeks, the new shoes start to make your feet feel tired and uncomfortable. You get bunions and callouses, and they make you irritable. You wish that you had never bought them, in fact you rue the day that you saw them in the shop and realise that you could never get the same feeling from those shoes as your soft buttery leather ones. But each time you see them kicked into the corner of the hall, you remember the initial feeling you had when you first spotted them in Savashoe, and somehow you "forget" how uncomfortable they are to wear, and how they hurt and damage your feet in a way that once didn't seem possible, so you persevere, almost stubbornly, and continue to wear them on occasion.
Besides which, wearing those shoes has become a bit of a bad habit. They are there in your eyeline each day, kicked into the corner of the room where you last left them. Unpolished, tatty laces and worn out plastic uppers.
One day, the shoes cause an indescribable amount of pain; pain like you have never felt before, your crippled feet mis-shappen and bleeding. You are hobbling around and can't wait to find the nearest dustbin in which to dump them. You do so at the first opportunity.
You return to your wardrobe and seek out the soft comfortable buttery leather shoe, the one that ALWAYS felt good as it enveloped your feet, the one that NEVER caused bleeding or callouses or bunions.
But, because you have hobbled round in the cheap painful shoes, when you slip the soft buttery leather shoes on, you find that they have changed. You have not worn them for some time, or polished them, and your feet are different now too. You try desperately to get the old shoes to fit, you really want to feel the familiar warmth of the leather around your foot, secure and safe.
The only way those shoes will ever feel secure and safe around your foot again is if you spend a lot of time and effort polishing them, nurturing them with care as you did in the past, softening the leather, checking that the laces are in good order and caring for them properly. Your feet too need attention, and with help and diligence, one day you might get those shoes to fit again and appreciate the comfort and enjoyment you used to have from them.
One day, you decide for some reason, that you want a change from the beautiful, comfortable shoes that you love. But you don't want to make much investment in them. You spot a discount shop - Savashoe - in the high street and see a cheap pair of shoes that look like they will make you feel good. You eventually acquire these shoes, and at first, they look new and shiny and are flawless in your mind. The make you feel good, hell invincible. You realise that you don't have the same respect for these shoes as you do for the soft buttery leather ones, and you don't polish them regularly, or wrap them in tissue and put them in box in the wardrobe. You very often just kick them off at the end of the day, and never think about them until the next time you wear them.
After a few weeks, the new shoes start to make your feet feel tired and uncomfortable. You get bunions and callouses, and they make you irritable. You wish that you had never bought them, in fact you rue the day that you saw them in the shop and realise that you could never get the same feeling from those shoes as your soft buttery leather ones. But each time you see them kicked into the corner of the hall, you remember the initial feeling you had when you first spotted them in Savashoe, and somehow you "forget" how uncomfortable they are to wear, and how they hurt and damage your feet in a way that once didn't seem possible, so you persevere, almost stubbornly, and continue to wear them on occasion.
Besides which, wearing those shoes has become a bit of a bad habit. They are there in your eyeline each day, kicked into the corner of the room where you last left them. Unpolished, tatty laces and worn out plastic uppers.
One day, the shoes cause an indescribable amount of pain; pain like you have never felt before, your crippled feet mis-shappen and bleeding. You are hobbling around and can't wait to find the nearest dustbin in which to dump them. You do so at the first opportunity.
You return to your wardrobe and seek out the soft comfortable buttery leather shoe, the one that ALWAYS felt good as it enveloped your feet, the one that NEVER caused bleeding or callouses or bunions.
But, because you have hobbled round in the cheap painful shoes, when you slip the soft buttery leather shoes on, you find that they have changed. You have not worn them for some time, or polished them, and your feet are different now too. You try desperately to get the old shoes to fit, you really want to feel the familiar warmth of the leather around your foot, secure and safe.
The only way those shoes will ever feel secure and safe around your foot again is if you spend a lot of time and effort polishing them, nurturing them with care as you did in the past, softening the leather, checking that the laces are in good order and caring for them properly. Your feet too need attention, and with help and diligence, one day you might get those shoes to fit again and appreciate the comfort and enjoyment you used to have from them.
Tuesday 13 January 2009
A realisation of sorts
For over 12 years I thought the man I loved was pretty near perfect. Handsome, kind, sensitive, successful, loving, thoughtful, a family man, caring - all in all pretty fantastic. He made me feel special and loved without actually having to have to say anything, or tell me every day. I always felt special and loved by him. He was very special and loved in return.
Since the discovery of his betrayal with a marriage wrecking whore, I have come to see his shortcomings and failings. The shroud covering my eyes has been lifted.
Underneath all his wonderful attributes lurked a man who was insecure, needy, had low self-esteem & became deceitful. His ability to apparently slip into a meaningless affair with someone who was insecure, needy, had low self-esteem and deceitful was symbiotic, notwithstanding that he did not care for and who had an abhorrent track record of breaking marriages apart, really calls in to question his judge of character and also his morals. Something I never had considered before, nor never felt the need to question.
His extensive counselling uncovered a whole host of issues he has/had, many of which he was aware of but had buried in a deep deep place that no-one, not even himself could easily access.
In a sense, I do get some comfort that this was the man that the marriage wrecker got - she also got the monster I lived with during their affair, I know that everything was not always rosy and perfect in their garden, not least because my husband had NO respect for her, nor cared not one jot about her life outside their affair, she was a convenience when he was away from home.
I do believe I got the best of him prior to his affair and since we have made the hearfelt decision to reconcile, I know that he is returning to the man I knew and loved deeply for 12 years. My issue of course is this - I have changed since his betrayal, and now I have to deal with ME. A major concern for me is that my husband just wants everything to go back to the way it was, in his words "before I risked everything I have with you, with a no-hope marriage wrecking whore". It can never go back to the way it was before, I have changed, our marriage is changed forever. He has changed some too.
However, it can be even better than it was before....................?
Since the discovery of his betrayal with a marriage wrecking whore, I have come to see his shortcomings and failings. The shroud covering my eyes has been lifted.
Underneath all his wonderful attributes lurked a man who was insecure, needy, had low self-esteem & became deceitful. His ability to apparently slip into a meaningless affair with someone who was insecure, needy, had low self-esteem and deceitful was symbiotic, notwithstanding that he did not care for and who had an abhorrent track record of breaking marriages apart, really calls in to question his judge of character and also his morals. Something I never had considered before, nor never felt the need to question.
His extensive counselling uncovered a whole host of issues he has/had, many of which he was aware of but had buried in a deep deep place that no-one, not even himself could easily access.
In a sense, I do get some comfort that this was the man that the marriage wrecker got - she also got the monster I lived with during their affair, I know that everything was not always rosy and perfect in their garden, not least because my husband had NO respect for her, nor cared not one jot about her life outside their affair, she was a convenience when he was away from home.
I do believe I got the best of him prior to his affair and since we have made the hearfelt decision to reconcile, I know that he is returning to the man I knew and loved deeply for 12 years. My issue of course is this - I have changed since his betrayal, and now I have to deal with ME. A major concern for me is that my husband just wants everything to go back to the way it was, in his words "before I risked everything I have with you, with a no-hope marriage wrecking whore". It can never go back to the way it was before, I have changed, our marriage is changed forever. He has changed some too.
However, it can be even better than it was before....................?
Monday 12 January 2009
Healing me - My resolve
What I need to do:
Accept that my husband had an affair for 4 years with a serial marriage wrecker. It happened, I can’t change it. It was a symptom not the disease.
Accept that the reasons he had the affair are his reasons/flaws and not mine. His reasons are that he needed constant validation, ego stroking, flattery and attention. He is the damaged one, not me. The affair was about his flaws and not mine.
Stop spending time and energy twisting over the fact that the whore has not been “made to pay” for her contribution to my marriage misery. She means nothing to me, she is the damaged one, she has no morals, she is prepared to accept the scraps of attention from a married man because she is not capable of forming proper relationships, she will never know what it is to have unconditional and whole love. She will never know what it is to be respected by her work colleagues. She will always have to live with her conscience and bad decisions. She is inconsequential & unimportant to me. I know I am a way better person than she is or ever will be.
I have to value my values again – responsibility, loyalty and trusting (to learn to trust MYSELF)
I have to work through and overcome the self doubt/lack of self esteem that discovering my husbands infidelity has caused me.
I want true love and a truthful, honest life partner. I will not settle for less. No compromises. If this doesn’t work out then I have to follow my own path and understand what this means to me going forward.
Work out that if the above things are “dealt with” then can my marriage survive infidelity
I have to start to be emotionally invested in my marriage again if I wish to reconcile successfully
Accept that my husband had an affair for 4 years with a serial marriage wrecker. It happened, I can’t change it. It was a symptom not the disease.
Accept that the reasons he had the affair are his reasons/flaws and not mine. His reasons are that he needed constant validation, ego stroking, flattery and attention. He is the damaged one, not me. The affair was about his flaws and not mine.
Stop spending time and energy twisting over the fact that the whore has not been “made to pay” for her contribution to my marriage misery. She means nothing to me, she is the damaged one, she has no morals, she is prepared to accept the scraps of attention from a married man because she is not capable of forming proper relationships, she will never know what it is to have unconditional and whole love. She will never know what it is to be respected by her work colleagues. She will always have to live with her conscience and bad decisions. She is inconsequential & unimportant to me. I know I am a way better person than she is or ever will be.
I have to value my values again – responsibility, loyalty and trusting (to learn to trust MYSELF)
I have to work through and overcome the self doubt/lack of self esteem that discovering my husbands infidelity has caused me.
I want true love and a truthful, honest life partner. I will not settle for less. No compromises. If this doesn’t work out then I have to follow my own path and understand what this means to me going forward.
Work out that if the above things are “dealt with” then can my marriage survive infidelity
I have to start to be emotionally invested in my marriage again if I wish to reconcile successfully
Another letter to a whore
What a truly awful life you have. No-one has any regard for you. Old colleagues see you for what you really are – a loser, a fake, a cheating liar. You must be desperate with yourself to be living such an unfulfilled, empty and lonely life. It will be very interesting to know what your new colleagues think of you – or have you already made moves on your new married boss?
I bet you can’t wait to send him a Christmas card with a stupid poem about how much you love to hear his voice on his mobile phone. What utter and complete shit you think and write.
Then you’ll be telling him that no-one likes you, that your ex-husband is “being mean“ to you, that your fiancé “doesn’t understand” you, that your workmates “don’t like” you – all the while lying to try to elicit sympathy that no-one has for you. How low can you sink? Looking for your next married Knight in Shining Armour for a bit of fun - until you realise that he can give you a better life if only you can lie enough to convince him to throw away his life with his wife and family.
Hey loser whore - isn't life supposed to be about learning lessons - what do you know - you're too stupid to learn - didn't the first time you broke up a marriage teach you a lesson? Once the poor man had given up his wife, he couldn't quite find it in himself to make an honest woman of you. He didn't want to live with you, and hastily denied that he was involved with you when I phoned him up to expose your lies. I wonder why - perhaps he could see right through you and knew you had "bad issues" and that you wouldn't give him one gramme of loyalty - because before you know it - you're chasing my husband down. You really do have an over-inflated sense of entitlement, of trying to show that you are something you are not. You try to demonstrate that you are not as worthless as you really are. You are actually no better than toxic waste.
Who wants you now? Not your husband, nor neither of the men who used you like the slut you are. No-one. You are not worthy of anyone’s affection or love.
You have not destroyed our lives – quite the opposite - we are happier than ever together. My husband realises that you are toxic waste too – he should never have been involved with you. He regrets even setting eyes on you. We have a fantastic life – I can talk with confidence and surety about a life that is REAL, not fake like yours. My happiness is REAL. I cuddle up in bed with MY husband, knowing our relationship is solid and REAL, not a worthless fantasy.
We do not have to create a mirage of our lives like you do – you so think that appearances count - and you are totally transparent. Everyone see you for what you are - no one believes your stupid hype, your self publicity, or your perceived “greatness”, no-one falls for the victim card you play all the time. It’s all lies – just like you..
Your are probably conceited enough to believe that you were my husbands "saviour". With your pea-sized brain, you probably convinced yourself that you would be rescuing him from his nagging and boring wife, but the truth is this you loser, I am an attractive, mature, responsible and credible woman and my morals and intelligence transcend yours, believe me, he so traded down when he took up with you.
Get this you tramp - you had a false sense of imagining you had a competitive edge by thinking that if he was flatterring you and stroking your fragile ego, then you must be better than me and irreplaceable to him. As the months and years went by and he didn't leave me, or spend any significant quality time with you outside of the bedroom, are you stupid enough to not to realise that you were being taken for a mug? You were his booty call? On tap, no-strings-attached tart? Oh yes, definately a trade-down, not to mention your dull hair, your lack of personality, your fat head perched on your rounded shoulders and your skirts straining to contain your fat a*se.
Look how quickly my husband threw you under the bus when your grubby little secret came out. He did everything to limit the damage to himself when he realised people might find out he was involved with you. If he really cared for you, then that would not have happened – but listen to this - he really couldn’t wait to rid himself of your skanky presence, the smell of your dismal personality, nor the pervading odour of your worthlessness.....he was desperately ashamed of people knowing he had risked his marriage and his relationship by being involved with YOU.
Oh and don't play your usual victim card - you were an equal participant in all of this. If you were not willing to play the deception with him, then you shouldn't have got involved. Its a pity that you didn't grab your last remnants of self-worth, if indeed you ever had any and turned away from being involved in a toxic relationship with a married man.
You have no regard for anyone but yourself, you are a totally selfish whore. I hope you never recover from you own self-inflicted misery. And I do hope that one day, should any loser decide to hook up with you, he is unfaithful to you and you get a huge dose of what you so freely and consciously handed to me. Oh, and watch your scummy house, I hear that you have a mortgage and two sub-prime loans secured on it and equity values falling every day - take a look at the property market you loser, and weep. And I will look back at you, with my head held high and laugh.
Not sent. Whats the point - she sees what she wants to see and has no concept or concern of the damage she created when she involved herself with my husband - her "friend". Funny sort of friendship that??
I bet you can’t wait to send him a Christmas card with a stupid poem about how much you love to hear his voice on his mobile phone. What utter and complete shit you think and write.
Then you’ll be telling him that no-one likes you, that your ex-husband is “being mean“ to you, that your fiancé “doesn’t understand” you, that your workmates “don’t like” you – all the while lying to try to elicit sympathy that no-one has for you. How low can you sink? Looking for your next married Knight in Shining Armour for a bit of fun - until you realise that he can give you a better life if only you can lie enough to convince him to throw away his life with his wife and family.
Hey loser whore - isn't life supposed to be about learning lessons - what do you know - you're too stupid to learn - didn't the first time you broke up a marriage teach you a lesson? Once the poor man had given up his wife, he couldn't quite find it in himself to make an honest woman of you. He didn't want to live with you, and hastily denied that he was involved with you when I phoned him up to expose your lies. I wonder why - perhaps he could see right through you and knew you had "bad issues" and that you wouldn't give him one gramme of loyalty - because before you know it - you're chasing my husband down. You really do have an over-inflated sense of entitlement, of trying to show that you are something you are not. You try to demonstrate that you are not as worthless as you really are. You are actually no better than toxic waste.
Who wants you now? Not your husband, nor neither of the men who used you like the slut you are. No-one. You are not worthy of anyone’s affection or love.
You have not destroyed our lives – quite the opposite - we are happier than ever together. My husband realises that you are toxic waste too – he should never have been involved with you. He regrets even setting eyes on you. We have a fantastic life – I can talk with confidence and surety about a life that is REAL, not fake like yours. My happiness is REAL. I cuddle up in bed with MY husband, knowing our relationship is solid and REAL, not a worthless fantasy.
We do not have to create a mirage of our lives like you do – you so think that appearances count - and you are totally transparent. Everyone see you for what you are - no one believes your stupid hype, your self publicity, or your perceived “greatness”, no-one falls for the victim card you play all the time. It’s all lies – just like you..
Your are probably conceited enough to believe that you were my husbands "saviour". With your pea-sized brain, you probably convinced yourself that you would be rescuing him from his nagging and boring wife, but the truth is this you loser, I am an attractive, mature, responsible and credible woman and my morals and intelligence transcend yours, believe me, he so traded down when he took up with you.
Get this you tramp - you had a false sense of imagining you had a competitive edge by thinking that if he was flatterring you and stroking your fragile ego, then you must be better than me and irreplaceable to him. As the months and years went by and he didn't leave me, or spend any significant quality time with you outside of the bedroom, are you stupid enough to not to realise that you were being taken for a mug? You were his booty call? On tap, no-strings-attached tart? Oh yes, definately a trade-down, not to mention your dull hair, your lack of personality, your fat head perched on your rounded shoulders and your skirts straining to contain your fat a*se.
Look how quickly my husband threw you under the bus when your grubby little secret came out. He did everything to limit the damage to himself when he realised people might find out he was involved with you. If he really cared for you, then that would not have happened – but listen to this - he really couldn’t wait to rid himself of your skanky presence, the smell of your dismal personality, nor the pervading odour of your worthlessness.....he was desperately ashamed of people knowing he had risked his marriage and his relationship by being involved with YOU.
Oh and don't play your usual victim card - you were an equal participant in all of this. If you were not willing to play the deception with him, then you shouldn't have got involved. Its a pity that you didn't grab your last remnants of self-worth, if indeed you ever had any and turned away from being involved in a toxic relationship with a married man.
You have no regard for anyone but yourself, you are a totally selfish whore. I hope you never recover from you own self-inflicted misery. And I do hope that one day, should any loser decide to hook up with you, he is unfaithful to you and you get a huge dose of what you so freely and consciously handed to me. Oh, and watch your scummy house, I hear that you have a mortgage and two sub-prime loans secured on it and equity values falling every day - take a look at the property market you loser, and weep. And I will look back at you, with my head held high and laugh.
Not sent. Whats the point - she sees what she wants to see and has no concept or concern of the damage she created when she involved herself with my husband - her "friend". Funny sort of friendship that??
A Year on....
Dear Husband
I’ve been trying so hard to get over all that has happened to our marriage since your affair. I want to feel better about our relationship, although a major block for me is that I don’t think that you understand the effects of the affair, the lies, the deceit and your treatment of me has had on the core of our marriage.
You think I just want to dig everything up about the past, my take on this is that I want to dig my way out of the sheer awfulness that was the period of your affair.
I know that you are not involved with her anymore, and I believe that you do love me very much. I am appreciative of the work you have done so far in our marriage and our reconciliation, the help with running the house, taking some of the responsibility for “stuff” that needs doing - you are trying to understand the full measure of the pain you have caused me and also trying to understand what I need to help me heal from this. For that I thank you.
Still, there is much I just cannot understand and digest about our marriage and the relationship we had during your affair. Many people have a misconception that affairs happen because there is something wrong in the marriage, but as we have discussed at length, the issue was not with our marriage, rather the issues are within you - your low self-esteem, your constant need for your ego to be stroked, the pedestal that your family put you on, the lack of importance of anyone else in your life. Your perception that the world revolved around you. We have discussed also at length Narcissistic Personality Disorder - shades of which both you and the whore appear to have. Birds of a Feather stick together.
I don’t need a blow by blow account of every second of every day that you were involved with her, but I do need some clarity. I have tried to wash away the pain many times, I have tried to trust you since I found out about your secret life with her, but that trust was violated. I sometimes feel I never really knew you. You were a horrid stranger to me when all this was confirmed last year. A stranger for such a long time and a you lived a pretend life here with your family that apparently meant nothing to you as long as you weren’t found out and could continue to have your wonderful ego stroking pathetic life with her.
I do believe you are remorseful and ashamed of what your life had become, and who you had become.
I don't envy what you and her shared, because it was not real. It was based on fantasy and what you both perceive a relationship should be, deluded as it may seem in black and white. No responsibilities to anyone or each other, no bills to pay, no illness, no dirty laundry, nothing that could possibly get in the way of your fantasy life. No thanks, not for me. I want to be real, feel real. Not live a fake secret life, scuttling around in dark corners so no-one could see you for what you both are.
I do believe that you strive each and every day to be a much better man, husband and father than you were when you were involved with her. And because of that I have to restate my commitment to making our marriage work, but I need your help.
I think I have closed a part of my heart and emotions to you. I do trust you on many levels – with the girls, with our finances, with our financial security and the like, but I have a really hard time trusting you completely. It’s not that I don’t want our marriage to work, it’s not that I am looking for an escape, it’s not that I want you to suffer during endless rounds of questioning, rather I want to belong to this marriage fully and whole-heartedly and know ALL parts of our marriage, including the time you were having an affair. The questions and mind-movies I have going round my head some days eat me alive from the inside out. What I do not know about that time in our life become dark and endless imaginations in my head. Only the truth will stop those. The secrets of our marriage haunt me day and night and often erode my commitment to making our marriage work again.
I have as you know thought a great deal in the last year about this – I don’t want to have a relationship with someone that lies to protect himself, that hides away because of his own fears, that can’t confront the facets of his personality that are unpleasant. That needs to have affairs with pathetic no-hopers to bolster his ego and destroy his wife and family. I have tried to give our marriage time, energy and hope. I have been committed to our reconciliation and believe we have the ability to make this work.
I have hoped that you would, of your own volition, come to me and talk about what has happened, openly. For most of the part, I feel I have brought the subject up, usually at times of great stress and when certain things “trigger” the memories of our broken marriage and the reasons for it. You have given me reassurances and for those I am grateful, I want to be wholeheartedly in your arms again, and feel without reservation, the joy, happiness & completeness when we dance together, or sit in the garden, or cook together.
You say that I have built a wall around myself. You are right of course. It was built out of the fear and pain and hurt of your actions. Much of how I needed you to talk to me hasn’t happened and therefore has delayed my and our healing. The questions I ask get avoided, or you become defensive, we both have anger outbursts, storming out of rooms, shouting, half answers, no answers. “I don’t knows” or “I can’t remembers”. I don’t want to have my marriage occluded by lies or hurt or pain. I want to be married to YOU. I don’t want to be married to the memory of what we were, and what you and her did to destroy out marriage. I want to wash away the badness and build it again on truth, openness and transparency. I want to fall in love with you again with an open heart. A heart that is open because I trust you with it.
I know you want all this pain and hurt to be in the past but ignoring it won’t make it go away. We can be better, we can have a better marriage, we can eventually put this behind us but I can’t put behind me what is unresolved. What I know is that I need to be able to ask you anything, anytime and the truth comes out openly. I need you to share things with me you think I might not like, or I wouldn’t be happy about what you have done, instead of always burying it. You are asking me to trust you again, but if you don’t trust me with your past, how can I trust you with my future? It’s a fair question.
We both know we are in limbo at the moment. We have stalled a little and we need to work on our relationship to move it forward. We both deserve to be loved and we both deserve happiness in our lives. If what I asked you at the weekend, and today is more than you can, or are willing to give me, then we both need to understand that. I have loved you wholeheartedly and unconditionally for a long time. I felt at times your soul was woven into mine, especially since we had the girls. Maybe if my love for you hadn’t have been so deep , then the pain of your affair would not have been so profound. With your help as we discussed on Sunday, being open, willing and honest in our communications about the affair and with time, we can diminish the pain we both feel and our marriage can be better than ever.
Much love
I’ve been trying so hard to get over all that has happened to our marriage since your affair. I want to feel better about our relationship, although a major block for me is that I don’t think that you understand the effects of the affair, the lies, the deceit and your treatment of me has had on the core of our marriage.
You think I just want to dig everything up about the past, my take on this is that I want to dig my way out of the sheer awfulness that was the period of your affair.
I know that you are not involved with her anymore, and I believe that you do love me very much. I am appreciative of the work you have done so far in our marriage and our reconciliation, the help with running the house, taking some of the responsibility for “stuff” that needs doing - you are trying to understand the full measure of the pain you have caused me and also trying to understand what I need to help me heal from this. For that I thank you.
Still, there is much I just cannot understand and digest about our marriage and the relationship we had during your affair. Many people have a misconception that affairs happen because there is something wrong in the marriage, but as we have discussed at length, the issue was not with our marriage, rather the issues are within you - your low self-esteem, your constant need for your ego to be stroked, the pedestal that your family put you on, the lack of importance of anyone else in your life. Your perception that the world revolved around you. We have discussed also at length Narcissistic Personality Disorder - shades of which both you and the whore appear to have. Birds of a Feather stick together.
I don’t need a blow by blow account of every second of every day that you were involved with her, but I do need some clarity. I have tried to wash away the pain many times, I have tried to trust you since I found out about your secret life with her, but that trust was violated. I sometimes feel I never really knew you. You were a horrid stranger to me when all this was confirmed last year. A stranger for such a long time and a you lived a pretend life here with your family that apparently meant nothing to you as long as you weren’t found out and could continue to have your wonderful ego stroking pathetic life with her.
I do believe you are remorseful and ashamed of what your life had become, and who you had become.
I don't envy what you and her shared, because it was not real. It was based on fantasy and what you both perceive a relationship should be, deluded as it may seem in black and white. No responsibilities to anyone or each other, no bills to pay, no illness, no dirty laundry, nothing that could possibly get in the way of your fantasy life. No thanks, not for me. I want to be real, feel real. Not live a fake secret life, scuttling around in dark corners so no-one could see you for what you both are.
I do believe that you strive each and every day to be a much better man, husband and father than you were when you were involved with her. And because of that I have to restate my commitment to making our marriage work, but I need your help.
I think I have closed a part of my heart and emotions to you. I do trust you on many levels – with the girls, with our finances, with our financial security and the like, but I have a really hard time trusting you completely. It’s not that I don’t want our marriage to work, it’s not that I am looking for an escape, it’s not that I want you to suffer during endless rounds of questioning, rather I want to belong to this marriage fully and whole-heartedly and know ALL parts of our marriage, including the time you were having an affair. The questions and mind-movies I have going round my head some days eat me alive from the inside out. What I do not know about that time in our life become dark and endless imaginations in my head. Only the truth will stop those. The secrets of our marriage haunt me day and night and often erode my commitment to making our marriage work again.
I have as you know thought a great deal in the last year about this – I don’t want to have a relationship with someone that lies to protect himself, that hides away because of his own fears, that can’t confront the facets of his personality that are unpleasant. That needs to have affairs with pathetic no-hopers to bolster his ego and destroy his wife and family. I have tried to give our marriage time, energy and hope. I have been committed to our reconciliation and believe we have the ability to make this work.
I have hoped that you would, of your own volition, come to me and talk about what has happened, openly. For most of the part, I feel I have brought the subject up, usually at times of great stress and when certain things “trigger” the memories of our broken marriage and the reasons for it. You have given me reassurances and for those I am grateful, I want to be wholeheartedly in your arms again, and feel without reservation, the joy, happiness & completeness when we dance together, or sit in the garden, or cook together.
You say that I have built a wall around myself. You are right of course. It was built out of the fear and pain and hurt of your actions. Much of how I needed you to talk to me hasn’t happened and therefore has delayed my and our healing. The questions I ask get avoided, or you become defensive, we both have anger outbursts, storming out of rooms, shouting, half answers, no answers. “I don’t knows” or “I can’t remembers”. I don’t want to have my marriage occluded by lies or hurt or pain. I want to be married to YOU. I don’t want to be married to the memory of what we were, and what you and her did to destroy out marriage. I want to wash away the badness and build it again on truth, openness and transparency. I want to fall in love with you again with an open heart. A heart that is open because I trust you with it.
I know you want all this pain and hurt to be in the past but ignoring it won’t make it go away. We can be better, we can have a better marriage, we can eventually put this behind us but I can’t put behind me what is unresolved. What I know is that I need to be able to ask you anything, anytime and the truth comes out openly. I need you to share things with me you think I might not like, or I wouldn’t be happy about what you have done, instead of always burying it. You are asking me to trust you again, but if you don’t trust me with your past, how can I trust you with my future? It’s a fair question.
We both know we are in limbo at the moment. We have stalled a little and we need to work on our relationship to move it forward. We both deserve to be loved and we both deserve happiness in our lives. If what I asked you at the weekend, and today is more than you can, or are willing to give me, then we both need to understand that. I have loved you wholeheartedly and unconditionally for a long time. I felt at times your soul was woven into mine, especially since we had the girls. Maybe if my love for you hadn’t have been so deep , then the pain of your affair would not have been so profound. With your help as we discussed on Sunday, being open, willing and honest in our communications about the affair and with time, we can diminish the pain we both feel and our marriage can be better than ever.
Much love
Letter to a Whore
You should be disgusted with yourself, now the most revolting and revealing aspect of you has been disclosed, although I suspect it won’t make an iota of difference given it appears that you have created a value system for yourself, which supports and justifies the deceitful, untrustworthy, dishonest, and devious way you live your so-called life.
You are seriously willing to forego any principles, personal integrity or professional ethic in order to gain something for yourself - at the cost of any distress and pain to others, including children, who may be directly affected by your self-absorbed cowardly and narcissistic actions. It is clear that you lean on married men to satisfy your fragile ego and to gratify your sad emotional needs. You clearly long for someone who will value you for yourself but your sexual favours are the only personal merchandise with which you are able to trade.
You evidently have no respect for yourself or for that matter, mine and my husband’s situation - undeniably not caring about the destruction you were consciously engaging in, again. You knew without any doubt that he was married with children. I may be completely misguided in believing that any principled woman could have an innate sense of sisterhood, but you have no sense of loyalty or identification with your own gender, moreover, you appear to have no concept of professional and personal boundaries and also you are ostensibly ignorant of when and when not to conduct relationships with others.
I recognise that due to your poor judgement, pitiful and non-existent moral attitude and lack of personal and professional principles you are unable to admit to yourself that your relationship with my husband, a married man and loving father & husband, was wholly inappropriate at any point during the 3 ½ years you involved with him, including such time when you were supposedly “engaged” to be married to your boyfriend.
I do acknowledge, although can never accept, that as long as there are women like you, pathetically loose and so very obviously available to anyone, who have the shameful attributes described above, and who are more than willing to sleep with married men with whom they work, without any consideration for the harm they might do, then vulnerable men, however their vulnerability has come about, will make mistakes.
I particularly struggle to understand what low regard and respect you have for your health and wellbeing but more importantly, you have shown no consideration whatsoever for my (or your boyfriends for that matter) health, since neither of you ever suggested that you used a condom to reduce the chance of my contracting a sexually transmitted infection whilst you engaged in your disgusting and repellent behaviour with my husband. I have contacted my GP to arrange for a series of tests to be carried out to ensure that there is no lasting legacy from your stupid, immature and foolish behaviour.
My husband has told me everything about his sordid and grubby experience with you, that he bitterly regrets any association with you whatsoever, that the affair and even your friendship was a complete mistake from the start to the end, he made a complete error of judgement, and it should never have happened. He has assured me that there was never any chance that he could ever been able to build any sort of future with you, nor did he ever want to leave me for you, despite any impression that you may have created in your mind to the contrary and despite you asking him if there was a future for you together. Incidentally, you do not have the right to call him a weak and spineless bastard when he finally ended the affair with you, since your behaviour puts you in the same category.
He has chosen ME not you. His hatred for you now is incalculable and he is beginning to question whatever possessed him to be involved with you.
The whole appalling, vile, sickening, revolting, stomach-churning situation has caused me and my children terrible pain and distress. Notwithstanding, you have put my children at considerable risk from not being in a family environment which includes a mother and a father being together. This evidently means nothing to you, since you don’t value that for your own child. Nor can you appreciate that anyone else’s marriage is valuable, precious and meaningful as demonstrated by your dismal failure to maintain your own marriage.
My husbands’ genuine desire is that he wants to rebuild our relationship and repair the hurt he has caused to our family by his involvement with you.
His regret and remorse at being so naïve as to get involved with someone like you has absolutely shocked him to the core, and he is overwhelmed by the realisation of the damage that you have both created.
We have made a heartfelt and serious commitment to each other that we will work hard to rebuild the marriage that was precious to us. I know that he loves and cares for me very much and is devastated at what has happened.
He very much appreciates that I am a good woman and a good wife, a loving mother, and an absolute professional in a career I love. (and by absolute professional I mean I do not have to go to bed like a whore with my bosses - for it would appear that my husband wasn’t the first - to gain approval, promotion or be considered a valuable part of the team – I achieve what I achieve by honest to goodness hard work and diligent consideration for my fellow colleagues)
We also know that the connection we have physically, emotionally and spiritually is very very strong. Something you absolutely will not recognise.
I deserve much, much better than I got at your malicious, calculating and manipulative hands, but I know that despite you I have my husband’s deep love, respect and complete commitment to build a marriage that is stronger than ever. One we can value, cherish and take pleasure from, despite your intent to attempt to destroy it.
You are, and always have been and always will be inconsequential, unimportant, irrelevant and bear no significance to either of us.
I suggest you go see your GP, get referred to a psychotherapist to attempt to work out why you have such low self esteem, lack of morals, deficiencies in self respect, why you are inept at having proper relationships and why you can slip so easily like a whore into a married mans bed. It might help also to explore where you can acquire a moral compass, since yours is missing – you might find it useful when teaching your daughter the difference between morally right and morally wrong.
Sent to her work email address November 2007
You are seriously willing to forego any principles, personal integrity or professional ethic in order to gain something for yourself - at the cost of any distress and pain to others, including children, who may be directly affected by your self-absorbed cowardly and narcissistic actions. It is clear that you lean on married men to satisfy your fragile ego and to gratify your sad emotional needs. You clearly long for someone who will value you for yourself but your sexual favours are the only personal merchandise with which you are able to trade.
You evidently have no respect for yourself or for that matter, mine and my husband’s situation - undeniably not caring about the destruction you were consciously engaging in, again. You knew without any doubt that he was married with children. I may be completely misguided in believing that any principled woman could have an innate sense of sisterhood, but you have no sense of loyalty or identification with your own gender, moreover, you appear to have no concept of professional and personal boundaries and also you are ostensibly ignorant of when and when not to conduct relationships with others.
I recognise that due to your poor judgement, pitiful and non-existent moral attitude and lack of personal and professional principles you are unable to admit to yourself that your relationship with my husband, a married man and loving father & husband, was wholly inappropriate at any point during the 3 ½ years you involved with him, including such time when you were supposedly “engaged” to be married to your boyfriend.
I do acknowledge, although can never accept, that as long as there are women like you, pathetically loose and so very obviously available to anyone, who have the shameful attributes described above, and who are more than willing to sleep with married men with whom they work, without any consideration for the harm they might do, then vulnerable men, however their vulnerability has come about, will make mistakes.
I particularly struggle to understand what low regard and respect you have for your health and wellbeing but more importantly, you have shown no consideration whatsoever for my (or your boyfriends for that matter) health, since neither of you ever suggested that you used a condom to reduce the chance of my contracting a sexually transmitted infection whilst you engaged in your disgusting and repellent behaviour with my husband. I have contacted my GP to arrange for a series of tests to be carried out to ensure that there is no lasting legacy from your stupid, immature and foolish behaviour.
My husband has told me everything about his sordid and grubby experience with you, that he bitterly regrets any association with you whatsoever, that the affair and even your friendship was a complete mistake from the start to the end, he made a complete error of judgement, and it should never have happened. He has assured me that there was never any chance that he could ever been able to build any sort of future with you, nor did he ever want to leave me for you, despite any impression that you may have created in your mind to the contrary and despite you asking him if there was a future for you together. Incidentally, you do not have the right to call him a weak and spineless bastard when he finally ended the affair with you, since your behaviour puts you in the same category.
He has chosen ME not you. His hatred for you now is incalculable and he is beginning to question whatever possessed him to be involved with you.
The whole appalling, vile, sickening, revolting, stomach-churning situation has caused me and my children terrible pain and distress. Notwithstanding, you have put my children at considerable risk from not being in a family environment which includes a mother and a father being together. This evidently means nothing to you, since you don’t value that for your own child. Nor can you appreciate that anyone else’s marriage is valuable, precious and meaningful as demonstrated by your dismal failure to maintain your own marriage.
My husbands’ genuine desire is that he wants to rebuild our relationship and repair the hurt he has caused to our family by his involvement with you.
His regret and remorse at being so naïve as to get involved with someone like you has absolutely shocked him to the core, and he is overwhelmed by the realisation of the damage that you have both created.
We have made a heartfelt and serious commitment to each other that we will work hard to rebuild the marriage that was precious to us. I know that he loves and cares for me very much and is devastated at what has happened.
He very much appreciates that I am a good woman and a good wife, a loving mother, and an absolute professional in a career I love. (and by absolute professional I mean I do not have to go to bed like a whore with my bosses - for it would appear that my husband wasn’t the first - to gain approval, promotion or be considered a valuable part of the team – I achieve what I achieve by honest to goodness hard work and diligent consideration for my fellow colleagues)
We also know that the connection we have physically, emotionally and spiritually is very very strong. Something you absolutely will not recognise.
I deserve much, much better than I got at your malicious, calculating and manipulative hands, but I know that despite you I have my husband’s deep love, respect and complete commitment to build a marriage that is stronger than ever. One we can value, cherish and take pleasure from, despite your intent to attempt to destroy it.
You are, and always have been and always will be inconsequential, unimportant, irrelevant and bear no significance to either of us.
I suggest you go see your GP, get referred to a psychotherapist to attempt to work out why you have such low self esteem, lack of morals, deficiencies in self respect, why you are inept at having proper relationships and why you can slip so easily like a whore into a married mans bed. It might help also to explore where you can acquire a moral compass, since yours is missing – you might find it useful when teaching your daughter the difference between morally right and morally wrong.
Sent to her work email address November 2007
Your choices
To my husband
You are the damaged one, you made those unhealthy choices to involve that whore in your life. I know that you bitterly regret any involvement with her and that it was the worst thing you have ever done. But they were your choices.
I will not accept any responsibility for your weakness, the inability to see what you were doing was wrong and also the fact that you felt the flattery and attention from her was what you needed instead of being strong and confronting your issues head on. Of course you have always overlooked the unsexy bits of our relationship, the drudge of shopping, of dealing with the children before and after work, the cooking, laundry..........…..An affair is not real life, you are anaesthetised from reality which is why affairs and the affair partner, no matter how unattractive they may be seems to be compelling. But it is wrong to lose reality of the responsibility that you make to your marriage partner and your family.
You two are responsible for the pain you have caused me.
You are the damaged one, you made those unhealthy choices to involve that whore in your life. I know that you bitterly regret any involvement with her and that it was the worst thing you have ever done. But they were your choices.
I will not accept any responsibility for your weakness, the inability to see what you were doing was wrong and also the fact that you felt the flattery and attention from her was what you needed instead of being strong and confronting your issues head on. Of course you have always overlooked the unsexy bits of our relationship, the drudge of shopping, of dealing with the children before and after work, the cooking, laundry..........…..An affair is not real life, you are anaesthetised from reality which is why affairs and the affair partner, no matter how unattractive they may be seems to be compelling. But it is wrong to lose reality of the responsibility that you make to your marriage partner and your family.
You two are responsible for the pain you have caused me.
Is the world still turning?
Dear Husband
When I finally confirmed my worst fears, I couldn’t understand how the world was still turning, flattened by the emotion I felt and wondered how I was going to get through the days. The honesty and trust element of our marriage has been destroyed - In the final analysis (regardless of the reason for wanting to have an affair), acting on that desire ultimately depends on one thing: you being willing to be dishonest and deceptive. I’ve never felt such total rejection. I feel sick to my heart and emotionally raw at the devastation that has been created. Not to mention the humiliation of those “health issues”. It’s not only the physical deception that hurts, it’s the violation of my expectations about what is and what isn’t appropriate behaviour with other women. In other words, if the reverse were true, would you feel that I had violated you? Are our expectations the same?
I can't trust you since I perceive that you had no regard or respect for me during your affair, why then should you now? I sensed the deceit for a long time and you have been having a relationship behind my back, I’ve suffered anger, rejection, non-communication and blame at through all this time, and now, I’m in complete shutdown and she has got off scot free. Her life isn’t really any different. I hate her. You shared something with her that was free of Finances, Laundry, Shopping, Children. That serial marriage wrecker encouraged, enabled and seduced you into making some of the most destructive decisions you could possibly make.
I am a good woman, I am good enough. I deserve better than I got. I will never accept the behaviours from you that I put up with during your affair with her ever again.
When I finally confirmed my worst fears, I couldn’t understand how the world was still turning, flattened by the emotion I felt and wondered how I was going to get through the days. The honesty and trust element of our marriage has been destroyed - In the final analysis (regardless of the reason for wanting to have an affair), acting on that desire ultimately depends on one thing: you being willing to be dishonest and deceptive. I’ve never felt such total rejection. I feel sick to my heart and emotionally raw at the devastation that has been created. Not to mention the humiliation of those “health issues”. It’s not only the physical deception that hurts, it’s the violation of my expectations about what is and what isn’t appropriate behaviour with other women. In other words, if the reverse were true, would you feel that I had violated you? Are our expectations the same?
I can't trust you since I perceive that you had no regard or respect for me during your affair, why then should you now? I sensed the deceit for a long time and you have been having a relationship behind my back, I’ve suffered anger, rejection, non-communication and blame at through all this time, and now, I’m in complete shutdown and she has got off scot free. Her life isn’t really any different. I hate her. You shared something with her that was free of Finances, Laundry, Shopping, Children. That serial marriage wrecker encouraged, enabled and seduced you into making some of the most destructive decisions you could possibly make.
I am a good woman, I am good enough. I deserve better than I got. I will never accept the behaviours from you that I put up with during your affair with her ever again.
Why I need to know what happened
I found a a great website that has helped enormously. It has a healing library with lots of useful articles written by people who have suffered from infidelity and betrayal. With the help of the healing library I wrote this to my husband who was on a business trip:
I know that you are feeling as much pain and hurt as I am – your guilt and shame about the hurt you have both inflicted on me is bad for you. I understand that you wish you had never got so involved with her and that you just want it all to go away. I even believe that you really do love me deeply and have realised this is the last few weeks, at the very expensive mistake of an affair with her.
I can understand your anxiety and fear about me knowing everything that happened between you over the last three and half years. I know you don’t want me thrusting your affair in your face repeatedly, and I can understand that it is hard for you to look at the things that led you to hurting me in this way. And I can see that whilst she doesn’t mean anything to you now why is it such a big issue for me? And I can see that you can’t understand why I seem to be torturing myself with details constantly – and how frustrating it is for you. But I would like to try to help you view this through my eyes so that you understand what is driving this “need to know” feeling.
You and her were there, together. There is no detail of your affair that you don’t know about. You have all the pieces of the jigsaw and you are able to reconstruct them and understand the whole picture, the whole message, the whole meaning of your involvement with her, what it means to you both, if it affects your life with me and whether she continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools and the knowledge. You can move through this period in your life with a complete picture of what happened between you both. If you have any doubts then at least you are carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to answer questions or arrive at conclusions to your questions. You carry all of the knowledge that can help you understand OUR reality in the place we find ourselves. There isn’t any information of pieces of the puzzle that you don’t know about or have in your mind.
My perspective is this – what has happened affects both of our lives equally. Whatever the outcome - hopefully positive - but whatever is it will affect us both going forward. Our future and our present situation is as every bit important to me as it is for you. So I don’t feel it is ok that I am not in possession of the same information as you both are.
Painful as it is for both of us, I need to know about this affair that has nearly destroyed us as you and her already know. Just as you can, I am able to interpret the meaning of certain things of the affair, and just as you know, I feel I deserve to be given the opportunity to really understand what nearly destroyed our marriage.
We can’t assume I can move forward and accept everything at face value – its unrealistic for me. And if it feels unrealistic then I doubt we can feel “complete”
I am struggling to understand the affair with her in the same context as you. I can’t understand the jigsaw and it makes me feel disoriented and confused. I expect you wonder why I can’t see the affair the way you do? You might feel that all that has happened is insignificant because you know it was a big mistake, but at the moment how can I know that? I want to believe this completely that it was a big mistake, but until I know what was truly going on in your mind and heart I can only work with the information I have………and slowly over time rebuild my trust in you and your feelings. I really really do wish this bit was easier.
So…..there it is, as best as I can put it. That’s why I ask questions and where my need to know comes from. It stems from a desire to pull our world back together, not from jealousy, spitefulness and most definitely not to make you suffer, although sometimes you must get the idea that it is….I only feel as angry as I did on Sunday because you lied again to me. This need to know comes from the fact I love you very much – why else would I put myself through this?
I know that you are feeling as much pain and hurt as I am – your guilt and shame about the hurt you have both inflicted on me is bad for you. I understand that you wish you had never got so involved with her and that you just want it all to go away. I even believe that you really do love me deeply and have realised this is the last few weeks, at the very expensive mistake of an affair with her.
I can understand your anxiety and fear about me knowing everything that happened between you over the last three and half years. I know you don’t want me thrusting your affair in your face repeatedly, and I can understand that it is hard for you to look at the things that led you to hurting me in this way. And I can see that whilst she doesn’t mean anything to you now why is it such a big issue for me? And I can see that you can’t understand why I seem to be torturing myself with details constantly – and how frustrating it is for you. But I would like to try to help you view this through my eyes so that you understand what is driving this “need to know” feeling.
You and her were there, together. There is no detail of your affair that you don’t know about. You have all the pieces of the jigsaw and you are able to reconstruct them and understand the whole picture, the whole message, the whole meaning of your involvement with her, what it means to you both, if it affects your life with me and whether she continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools and the knowledge. You can move through this period in your life with a complete picture of what happened between you both. If you have any doubts then at least you are carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to answer questions or arrive at conclusions to your questions. You carry all of the knowledge that can help you understand OUR reality in the place we find ourselves. There isn’t any information of pieces of the puzzle that you don’t know about or have in your mind.
My perspective is this – what has happened affects both of our lives equally. Whatever the outcome - hopefully positive - but whatever is it will affect us both going forward. Our future and our present situation is as every bit important to me as it is for you. So I don’t feel it is ok that I am not in possession of the same information as you both are.
Painful as it is for both of us, I need to know about this affair that has nearly destroyed us as you and her already know. Just as you can, I am able to interpret the meaning of certain things of the affair, and just as you know, I feel I deserve to be given the opportunity to really understand what nearly destroyed our marriage.
We can’t assume I can move forward and accept everything at face value – its unrealistic for me. And if it feels unrealistic then I doubt we can feel “complete”
I am struggling to understand the affair with her in the same context as you. I can’t understand the jigsaw and it makes me feel disoriented and confused. I expect you wonder why I can’t see the affair the way you do? You might feel that all that has happened is insignificant because you know it was a big mistake, but at the moment how can I know that? I want to believe this completely that it was a big mistake, but until I know what was truly going on in your mind and heart I can only work with the information I have………and slowly over time rebuild my trust in you and your feelings. I really really do wish this bit was easier.
So…..there it is, as best as I can put it. That’s why I ask questions and where my need to know comes from. It stems from a desire to pull our world back together, not from jealousy, spitefulness and most definitely not to make you suffer, although sometimes you must get the idea that it is….I only feel as angry as I did on Sunday because you lied again to me. This need to know comes from the fact I love you very much – why else would I put myself through this?
Liars Cheat, Cheaters Lie
Although I had known for a long time that he was having some kind of an inappropriate and physical/sexual relationship with her, by being in stealth mode to gather information, it was difficult to confront him with all of the evidence being available as I felt it would have been denied without absolute and undeniable unambiguous evidence – and more than one piece of evidence at that, it is too easy for him to find a half believable reason why something should be so.
Revealing what I knew too early would have resulted in our usual circular conversation with no outcome. He would lie to protect himself and not consider my feelings or the outcome - and I believe it would still continue as long as he thought he was “getting away with it”. I am not sure that even the conversation on the way back from holiday actually registered anything with him – either to finish the affair or that I was on the case. Although when I asked him about that he said it scared him that I was onto something. Usual sort of avoidance answer “we are friends and we get on” is not the answer to “I have an issue with your relationship with her”
His mantra became lie & deny; lie and deny; lie and deny.
I discovered something else about my husband - he is afraid to confront himself. He is a coward.
I need to know everything about this in order to deal with my own devastation......
Revealing what I knew too early would have resulted in our usual circular conversation with no outcome. He would lie to protect himself and not consider my feelings or the outcome - and I believe it would still continue as long as he thought he was “getting away with it”. I am not sure that even the conversation on the way back from holiday actually registered anything with him – either to finish the affair or that I was on the case. Although when I asked him about that he said it scared him that I was onto something. Usual sort of avoidance answer “we are friends and we get on” is not the answer to “I have an issue with your relationship with her”
His mantra became lie & deny; lie and deny; lie and deny.
I discovered something else about my husband - he is afraid to confront himself. He is a coward.
I need to know everything about this in order to deal with my own devastation......
The Devastation
My husband categorically stated that he wanted to make things right with us, despite having an affair with someone he didn't really want to be with, nor like. Of course I struggle with that - then whats the point of what he did, all this damage, this breakdown of trust between us, this deceit and betrayal, if he didn't want to even be with her? What is the point?
During the course of the rest of 2007 we had many challenges - not least because I am unsure if I want to spend the rest my life with this man. I started to journal my feelings at this time:
I am devastated by what he has done, and by his early ongoing lies (trickle truth) and denial. I am also distraught at the way he treated me whilst he was having a relationship with the whore.
I am afraid of his capability to totally destroy me emotionally. Like so many others who have been betrayed, I could never believe that the man I loved so deeply and who told me he loved me deeply would hurt me so much, so consciously and apparently so deliberately. I am utterly devastated that two human beings (I use that term loosely) could impart so much pain on another. I am truly destroyed that the man I thought was my hero could consciously inflict such agony on me. How does that work? You continually declare your love for your wife, your life partner, your trusted and intimate confidante and then set about destroying them. I cannot understand that.
I am hurt at his betrayal, his lying, and his involvement with that whore. I hate that my needs from our marriage were put behind his priorities. I hate that he spent hours talking to her on the phone, having lunches with her, just being with her and yet could hardly bring himself to be civil to me sometimes. I hate that he neglected me emotionally and I hate the effect that his selfish behavior has had on me. I feel it has changed the person I was and my once precious marriage may never ever be as precious again, because he invited her in and kept her there as a back stop just in case. I hate that he tried to push all the blame everywhere else to justify his contemptuous actions.
I hate that he was completely two faced about infidelity when my sisters’ husband was unfaithful, that he supported my poor distraught sister and he couldn’t see/admit/acknowledge to hmself that he was treating his wife in exactly the same way as my sisters’ husband was treating her. And for that he called him a bastard. Well who is the bastard really? Who is the liar and the cheat? My husband.......
During the course of the rest of 2007 we had many challenges - not least because I am unsure if I want to spend the rest my life with this man. I started to journal my feelings at this time:
I am devastated by what he has done, and by his early ongoing lies (trickle truth) and denial. I am also distraught at the way he treated me whilst he was having a relationship with the whore.
I am afraid of his capability to totally destroy me emotionally. Like so many others who have been betrayed, I could never believe that the man I loved so deeply and who told me he loved me deeply would hurt me so much, so consciously and apparently so deliberately. I am utterly devastated that two human beings (I use that term loosely) could impart so much pain on another. I am truly destroyed that the man I thought was my hero could consciously inflict such agony on me. How does that work? You continually declare your love for your wife, your life partner, your trusted and intimate confidante and then set about destroying them. I cannot understand that.
I am hurt at his betrayal, his lying, and his involvement with that whore. I hate that my needs from our marriage were put behind his priorities. I hate that he spent hours talking to her on the phone, having lunches with her, just being with her and yet could hardly bring himself to be civil to me sometimes. I hate that he neglected me emotionally and I hate the effect that his selfish behavior has had on me. I feel it has changed the person I was and my once precious marriage may never ever be as precious again, because he invited her in and kept her there as a back stop just in case. I hate that he tried to push all the blame everywhere else to justify his contemptuous actions.
I hate that he was completely two faced about infidelity when my sisters’ husband was unfaithful, that he supported my poor distraught sister and he couldn’t see/admit/acknowledge to hmself that he was treating his wife in exactly the same way as my sisters’ husband was treating her. And for that he called him a bastard. Well who is the bastard really? Who is the liar and the cheat? My husband.......
The Timeline
With all the investigations I did during the early part of 2007 this is what I found:
The affair lasted almost 4 years or over a third of our married life.
It was physical between March 2004 and October 2006 apparently, although I am not sure I believe that is the case given the all text and "perfume" evidence I had until June 2007.
She was divorced by her husband because she had an affair with her married boss (who also had 2 children) at her previous workplace. His marriage was wrecked through that process too. (I managed to track down her so-called "fiance's" ex-wife and had an email exchange and a conversation with her - what sticks in my mind is this comment "That bitch destroyed my marriage")
She was supposedly "engaged" according to my husband, to this man whilst my husband and her had their affair. (now known as her so-called "fiance"). Her so-called "fiance" denied this was the case, they had never been engaged to be married, and nor did they live together.
Her so-called "fiance" did not know how long she had been involved with my husband until I confirmed what I knew. She had lied to him about how long she had been having an affair with my husband (a few months she said). The "fiance" called my husband at their workplace to tell him to get his house in order.
Her "fiance" was devastated when I called him and told him to get checked for STD's as they had not used a condom.... ever. Despite there being some in my husbands overnight bag from the time before I was sterilised at the end of 2005 (He was scared of going for a vasectomy, apparently). In fact my husband said they had never ever discussed contraception. He overheard her tell a colleague once in the office she was on the pill. I do not know if this was before their affair started, or after. Fortunately no child has been born and thankfully my STD testing came back OK, although going to my GP, who is also a family friend to ask for these tests to be conducted is the single, most humiliating thing I have ever done in my life.
Her "fiance" also denied that they were engaged - saying she had some "bad issues" was very manipulative and she should seek urgent counselling, and that he found it hard to believe anything she said to him anymore given she had lied so much to him in the past. He even asked me to ask my husband if he would call him to confirm some of the facts I had shared with him as he did not believe anything she told him any more.
I spoke with her mother too - and this I found interesting - after telling her who I was and what had been going on, she actually APOLOGISED to me.
So now begins my recovery.........................?
The affair lasted almost 4 years or over a third of our married life.
It was physical between March 2004 and October 2006 apparently, although I am not sure I believe that is the case given the all text and "perfume" evidence I had until June 2007.
She was divorced by her husband because she had an affair with her married boss (who also had 2 children) at her previous workplace. His marriage was wrecked through that process too. (I managed to track down her so-called "fiance's" ex-wife and had an email exchange and a conversation with her - what sticks in my mind is this comment "That bitch destroyed my marriage")
She was supposedly "engaged" according to my husband, to this man whilst my husband and her had their affair. (now known as her so-called "fiance"). Her so-called "fiance" denied this was the case, they had never been engaged to be married, and nor did they live together.
Her so-called "fiance" did not know how long she had been involved with my husband until I confirmed what I knew. She had lied to him about how long she had been having an affair with my husband (a few months she said). The "fiance" called my husband at their workplace to tell him to get his house in order.
Her "fiance" was devastated when I called him and told him to get checked for STD's as they had not used a condom.... ever. Despite there being some in my husbands overnight bag from the time before I was sterilised at the end of 2005 (He was scared of going for a vasectomy, apparently). In fact my husband said they had never ever discussed contraception. He overheard her tell a colleague once in the office she was on the pill. I do not know if this was before their affair started, or after. Fortunately no child has been born and thankfully my STD testing came back OK, although going to my GP, who is also a family friend to ask for these tests to be conducted is the single, most humiliating thing I have ever done in my life.
Her "fiance" also denied that they were engaged - saying she had some "bad issues" was very manipulative and she should seek urgent counselling, and that he found it hard to believe anything she said to him anymore given she had lied so much to him in the past. He even asked me to ask my husband if he would call him to confirm some of the facts I had shared with him as he did not believe anything she told him any more.
I spoke with her mother too - and this I found interesting - after telling her who I was and what had been going on, she actually APOLOGISED to me.
So now begins my recovery.........................?
Conditions
I will not consider any form of reconciliation unless the following initial conditions are in place:
He sends a no contact letter to her
He seeks counselling
He finds another job
He tells me the truth
OK - so the no contact letter goes in the post to her - he writes it, I post it.
I bitterly regret any involvement with you whatsoever. Our affair was an entire mistake from the beginning to the end and should never have happened. We have caused my wife considerable pain and distress. My wife does not deserve in any way to be treated like this.
I love my wife and family deeply and recognise that in being involved in any way with you I have jeopardised their future security and happiness.
I have told my wife everything and together we have made the decision to try to rebuild our marriage and I am determined to regain her trust and love.
I have sincerely promised my wife that there will be NO CONTACT OR COMMUNICATION WITH YOU OF ANY KIND UNLESS IT IS ABSOLUTELY BUSINESS RELATED. I will not accept any telephone calls, e-mails, letters or texts from you that does not comply with this.
But of course, whores like fishing don't they? So she phoned him up and asked if this is what he wanted. He tells her yes. She calls him a spineless bastard.
He goes to counselling
He leaves his job 12 weeks later
Finding the truth takes a lot of time and energy. He is so embarrased and ashamed of his behaviour and the choices he made, it takes him a long time to recall events and feelings. His individual counselling sessions (1 a week for 6 months) help with this process. Something else that shames him is the dawning realisation about the type of person he found himself involved with and not least the type of person he had become. He hated himself.
He sends a no contact letter to her
He seeks counselling
He finds another job
He tells me the truth
OK - so the no contact letter goes in the post to her - he writes it, I post it.
I bitterly regret any involvement with you whatsoever. Our affair was an entire mistake from the beginning to the end and should never have happened. We have caused my wife considerable pain and distress. My wife does not deserve in any way to be treated like this.
I love my wife and family deeply and recognise that in being involved in any way with you I have jeopardised their future security and happiness.
I have told my wife everything and together we have made the decision to try to rebuild our marriage and I am determined to regain her trust and love.
I have sincerely promised my wife that there will be NO CONTACT OR COMMUNICATION WITH YOU OF ANY KIND UNLESS IT IS ABSOLUTELY BUSINESS RELATED. I will not accept any telephone calls, e-mails, letters or texts from you that does not comply with this.
But of course, whores like fishing don't they? So she phoned him up and asked if this is what he wanted. He tells her yes. She calls him a spineless bastard.
He goes to counselling
He leaves his job 12 weeks later
Finding the truth takes a lot of time and energy. He is so embarrased and ashamed of his behaviour and the choices he made, it takes him a long time to recall events and feelings. His individual counselling sessions (1 a week for 6 months) help with this process. Something else that shames him is the dawning realisation about the type of person he found himself involved with and not least the type of person he had become. He hated himself.
Confrontation
So I drank my tea and took a shower. I got ready for work - I had a client meeting that morning in the North West.
As I was about to leave the house I said very calmly, that when he got to work that morning, he needed to consider his options with the whore and let me know what his plans were. I had at that stage decided that my marriage was over and that there was no chance I could be with him. I did not want to be involved with a liar and a cheat.
He went white and looked physically nauseous and asked how I knew. I told him about the text message but decided to see how things panned out before I let him know just how much I knew.
He admitted he was having an affair but it was over. It meant nothing, she meant nothing to him, she was just there for sex when he was travelling on business. He wanted me not her and he would do anything to make it right.......................... but why do it if it meant nothing - whats that about? Did she know that she meant nothing to him? Was she so deluded that she thought that a proper realtionship with my husband could be carried out this way - him not wanting to leave his family and her taking whatever crumbs he was willing to toss her way, when it suited him? Does she have s0 little respect for herself that she accepted so little from him?
He went to the office and asked her if she had sent a text (I had deleted it), she confirmed it and he told her that I had found it. She asked what he was going to do, and he replied that he was going to go home that evening, not sure of what he would find. What I find incredulous is that they were both shocked at the fact I had switched on his phone and read the text!!!! What the f*ck!!!!
Looking back at this exchange between them, I wonder now if it was all deliberate, her trying things to manipulate him into making a choice between us - me or her - and that by doing this it would force a situation one way or the other? She was obviously feeling like she had been tossed under a juggernaut, and deserved no less.
He came home - we talked and talked for the whole weekend, and I established that my husband wanted to stay with me wholeheartedly, that he wanted the life we had and that he would do anything, absolutely anything to regain my love and trust. Looking back I naively said that I was optimistic that with a lot of hard work, we had a good chance of reconciling. Having spent 18 months working with him on our marriage I now think that I had no concept of how I would actually feel and the strong and powerful emotions that would be uncovered as he told me the full details of his betrayal.
As I was about to leave the house I said very calmly, that when he got to work that morning, he needed to consider his options with the whore and let me know what his plans were. I had at that stage decided that my marriage was over and that there was no chance I could be with him. I did not want to be involved with a liar and a cheat.
He went white and looked physically nauseous and asked how I knew. I told him about the text message but decided to see how things panned out before I let him know just how much I knew.
He admitted he was having an affair but it was over. It meant nothing, she meant nothing to him, she was just there for sex when he was travelling on business. He wanted me not her and he would do anything to make it right.......................... but why do it if it meant nothing - whats that about? Did she know that she meant nothing to him? Was she so deluded that she thought that a proper realtionship with my husband could be carried out this way - him not wanting to leave his family and her taking whatever crumbs he was willing to toss her way, when it suited him? Does she have s0 little respect for herself that she accepted so little from him?
He went to the office and asked her if she had sent a text (I had deleted it), she confirmed it and he told her that I had found it. She asked what he was going to do, and he replied that he was going to go home that evening, not sure of what he would find. What I find incredulous is that they were both shocked at the fact I had switched on his phone and read the text!!!! What the f*ck!!!!
Looking back at this exchange between them, I wonder now if it was all deliberate, her trying things to manipulate him into making a choice between us - me or her - and that by doing this it would force a situation one way or the other? She was obviously feeling like she had been tossed under a juggernaut, and deserved no less.
He came home - we talked and talked for the whole weekend, and I established that my husband wanted to stay with me wholeheartedly, that he wanted the life we had and that he would do anything, absolutely anything to regain my love and trust. Looking back I naively said that I was optimistic that with a lot of hard work, we had a good chance of reconciling. Having spent 18 months working with him on our marriage I now think that I had no concept of how I would actually feel and the strong and powerful emotions that would be uncovered as he told me the full details of his betrayal.
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