Everyone says affairs happen because of:
Boredom in the marriage or
They are unhappy at home or
They think they will find never-ending-happiness with their affair partners or
Thers is something wrong in the marriage or
Any other number of lame excuses.
There are 9 REAL reaons why people cheat:
They are immature
They are insecure
They are selfish
They are stupid
They *think* they are having a mid-life crisis
They are mentally ill
They have poor boundaries
They have poor or no morals
They are co-dependent
Monday 23 March 2009
Saturday 21 March 2009
So he had an affair?
F*cked a piece if sh*t he worked with. Screwed a stupid whore from the office.
You're so not worthy of me. You know something - I just became the kind of woman I want to be.
You're so not worthy of me. You know something - I just became the kind of woman I want to be.
Friday 20 March 2009
Thursday 19 March 2009
Thought for the Day
If he's shagging you in the parking lot but not taking you to the prom - you are being used.
A thought on life through the infidelity lens
Sometimes the blind trust I had for my husband astonishes me, knowing what I know now about him.
I was far too trusting, although one wonders why I shouldn't be with my life partner. I was way too accepting of what he said and did, driven by that blind trust. I didn't see his lies. I believed naively that he would never, could ever hurt me in this way. I never saw his faults, I never questioned his loyalty, I assumed it was a given.
But now, through the infidelity lens, I see him stripped bare. I see his flaws and weaknesses, I see him struggling to be the man he wants to be, rather than the one he is - the adulterer. I see him trying to make things right with me and I see him desperately trying to shed the pervading odour of the other woman from our lives.
Where has this clarity come from? Because I now see him from a step removed from were I used to see him. I now see him through clear lenses, without that blind trust.
More than anything I question myself. I look back on his infidelity and wonder who the hell I married. More than that I check my own judgement on a daily basis.
At the moment, reconciling my head and my heart is work in progress, although I am a long way down the track.
Seeing my husband and marriage though a different lens is very constructive and I am now starting to be able to enjoy and invest in our relationship again. He too is invested in our relationship and I am enjoying that immensely. We go places together, just the two of us, for lunch or a drink or dinner. We take walks in the evening for half an hour or so after we get home from work - quality time together, no interupptions, sharing our day. We enjoy each others company and our sex-life is very fulfilling.
What has made this possible for me? I view my life with him through the infidelity lens and never ever let blind trust run away with me.
I was far too trusting, although one wonders why I shouldn't be with my life partner. I was way too accepting of what he said and did, driven by that blind trust. I didn't see his lies. I believed naively that he would never, could ever hurt me in this way. I never saw his faults, I never questioned his loyalty, I assumed it was a given.
But now, through the infidelity lens, I see him stripped bare. I see his flaws and weaknesses, I see him struggling to be the man he wants to be, rather than the one he is - the adulterer. I see him trying to make things right with me and I see him desperately trying to shed the pervading odour of the other woman from our lives.
Where has this clarity come from? Because I now see him from a step removed from were I used to see him. I now see him through clear lenses, without that blind trust.
More than anything I question myself. I look back on his infidelity and wonder who the hell I married. More than that I check my own judgement on a daily basis.
At the moment, reconciling my head and my heart is work in progress, although I am a long way down the track.
Seeing my husband and marriage though a different lens is very constructive and I am now starting to be able to enjoy and invest in our relationship again. He too is invested in our relationship and I am enjoying that immensely. We go places together, just the two of us, for lunch or a drink or dinner. We take walks in the evening for half an hour or so after we get home from work - quality time together, no interupptions, sharing our day. We enjoy each others company and our sex-life is very fulfilling.
What has made this possible for me? I view my life with him through the infidelity lens and never ever let blind trust run away with me.
Wednesday 18 March 2009
A Look Back at Anger
When I found out about my husband's affair, I had many emotions surging through me.
The strongest was anger. The anger came a few months after I found out. In the first few weeks I was numb with shock and disbelief, thinking that we could never reconcile, I spent days crying, sorry for our lost marriage and relationship, and sad too that our children potentially would no longer be with both parents, as I believe is their right.
Then I got angry, with him and with her.
The anger turned my brain to alphabet soup. I struggled to do even basic things. The best place for me was in my car, driving, where no one could touch me, or speak to me. I feared my anger. It was like something I had never felt before.
Why was I angry? I was angry with both the infidels.
My Husband. I was angry at his weakness in being taken in by her. I was angry that he broke his marriage promises to me, I was angry at how little he thought about the impact of sleeping with a loose tart from the office would have on his families security. I was angry that his immaturity let him think that he could do this and get away with it. I was angry that he appeared to be actively working against our marriage to pursue something that "made him feel good" yet with someone for whom he appeared to have no feelings for.
Jabba the Slut. I am angry with her because she is predatory. She has done this before. She knowns no better. She has not learnt from her mistakes. She hides this personality disorder behind her haughty ways, her sense of entitlement and her underhand behaviours. I am angry that she encouraged my husband knowing from her past experience what the outcome could be. I am angry that she lies continually to get her own way. Hell she couldn't even tell her so called fiance the truth - he had to call my husband to get the truth.
I was angry with myself. For trusting my husband so implicitly. For believing him when he told me I was the love of his life, for not noticing the signs earlier, for not challenging him hard enough when I suspected him in those early days. And I was angry for a time, that I was unfortunate enough to be married to him.
I think that my anger was necessary, I needed an outlet that really let my husband know how I felt about what they had conspired to do against me.
The anger built up over about 5 months, as he trickle-truthed the facts because he was so ashamed of what he had done and moreover, who he had done it with. A serial marraige wrecker.
The more I found out about her, the more angry I became with her. I channelled my anger towards her, after all I had made a heartfelt committment to my husband that we would attempt to reconcile and anger towards him was not helping our recovery.
The anger towards her was encompassing. It turned to hatred. I wanted everyone to know what she had been party to, and I set about trying to damage her and her already poor reputation further. Anger drove behaviours and feelings that I had never felt before. I think back and I am horrified at the things I wanted to do to that woman. There was no respite. Almost every waking hour was consumed by my anger towards her. It kept me awake at night. When I slept, I dreamed that dreadful things would come her way.
I know my anger has dissipated significantly. But I do know this. I see infidelity as cowardly, agressive and arrogant by the people who perpetrate it. And that makes me angry still.
Eventually, though other outlets are needed because the continued feelings and expression of anger is destructive. My anger, although recognised as necessary actually extended our recovery time, for it caused both of us to withdraw from our recovery initially as it impeded on our ability to communicate with clarity.
I am working with my husband with this - he is being hugely supportive and can empathise with the anger stage of our journey. He too feels angry, mostly with him self for being weak and arrogant.
The strongest was anger. The anger came a few months after I found out. In the first few weeks I was numb with shock and disbelief, thinking that we could never reconcile, I spent days crying, sorry for our lost marriage and relationship, and sad too that our children potentially would no longer be with both parents, as I believe is their right.
Then I got angry, with him and with her.
The anger turned my brain to alphabet soup. I struggled to do even basic things. The best place for me was in my car, driving, where no one could touch me, or speak to me. I feared my anger. It was like something I had never felt before.
Why was I angry? I was angry with both the infidels.
My Husband. I was angry at his weakness in being taken in by her. I was angry that he broke his marriage promises to me, I was angry at how little he thought about the impact of sleeping with a loose tart from the office would have on his families security. I was angry that his immaturity let him think that he could do this and get away with it. I was angry that he appeared to be actively working against our marriage to pursue something that "made him feel good" yet with someone for whom he appeared to have no feelings for.
Jabba the Slut. I am angry with her because she is predatory. She has done this before. She knowns no better. She has not learnt from her mistakes. She hides this personality disorder behind her haughty ways, her sense of entitlement and her underhand behaviours. I am angry that she encouraged my husband knowing from her past experience what the outcome could be. I am angry that she lies continually to get her own way. Hell she couldn't even tell her so called fiance the truth - he had to call my husband to get the truth.
I was angry with myself. For trusting my husband so implicitly. For believing him when he told me I was the love of his life, for not noticing the signs earlier, for not challenging him hard enough when I suspected him in those early days. And I was angry for a time, that I was unfortunate enough to be married to him.
I think that my anger was necessary, I needed an outlet that really let my husband know how I felt about what they had conspired to do against me.
The anger built up over about 5 months, as he trickle-truthed the facts because he was so ashamed of what he had done and moreover, who he had done it with. A serial marraige wrecker.
The more I found out about her, the more angry I became with her. I channelled my anger towards her, after all I had made a heartfelt committment to my husband that we would attempt to reconcile and anger towards him was not helping our recovery.
The anger towards her was encompassing. It turned to hatred. I wanted everyone to know what she had been party to, and I set about trying to damage her and her already poor reputation further. Anger drove behaviours and feelings that I had never felt before. I think back and I am horrified at the things I wanted to do to that woman. There was no respite. Almost every waking hour was consumed by my anger towards her. It kept me awake at night. When I slept, I dreamed that dreadful things would come her way.
I know my anger has dissipated significantly. But I do know this. I see infidelity as cowardly, agressive and arrogant by the people who perpetrate it. And that makes me angry still.
Eventually, though other outlets are needed because the continued feelings and expression of anger is destructive. My anger, although recognised as necessary actually extended our recovery time, for it caused both of us to withdraw from our recovery initially as it impeded on our ability to communicate with clarity.
I am working with my husband with this - he is being hugely supportive and can empathise with the anger stage of our journey. He too feels angry, mostly with him self for being weak and arrogant.
Tuesday 17 March 2009
What Healthy Love Isn't
Healthy love isn't a secret
Healthy love doesn't deceive anyone
Healthy love doesn't leave you in a state of confusion
Healthy love doesn't cause resentment
Healthy love doesn't have you 'waiting, just in case'
Healthy love isn't bits and pieces of your partners time
Healthy love doesn't have you lower your expectations
Healthy love doesn't deceive anyone
Healthy love doesn't leave you in a state of confusion
Healthy love doesn't cause resentment
Healthy love doesn't have you 'waiting, just in case'
Healthy love isn't bits and pieces of your partners time
Healthy love doesn't have you lower your expectations
Before Infidelity .....
... I was safe in my own home
... I trusted everyone, especially my husband implicitly
... I never thought I could be utterly demoralised
... I was much less cynical
... I thought I understood the world and my place in it
... I never thoguht I would have to put to test "for better or for worse"
... I never thought another woman could be so f*cking selfish to the detriment of another and her children
... I never knew I would have to analyse my husband so forensically
... I never knew I was such a good detective
... I never realised that some people have issues that they don't even know they should attend to and that they are blind to their faults
... I never realised that I had an amazing strength to be able to cope with infidelity
... I didn't know that I could be so angry and feel so much hate that I wish that the other woman dead on a daily basis
... I trusted everyone, especially my husband implicitly
... I never thought I could be utterly demoralised
... I was much less cynical
... I thought I understood the world and my place in it
... I never thoguht I would have to put to test "for better or for worse"
... I never thought another woman could be so f*cking selfish to the detriment of another and her children
... I never knew I would have to analyse my husband so forensically
... I never knew I was such a good detective
... I never realised that some people have issues that they don't even know they should attend to and that they are blind to their faults
... I never realised that I had an amazing strength to be able to cope with infidelity
... I didn't know that I could be so angry and feel so much hate that I wish that the other woman dead on a daily basis
Tuesday 10 March 2009
Thursday 5 March 2009
Transparency & Clarity
So, my Husband is going away again on business. To Europe, for 4 days.
He tells me that there are four people going - 3 men and a woman. Immediately I am looking for the "old" language. "The Team", "The Guys".... and I watch him intently as he tells me so that I can sense any discernable habits of old.
I ask who is going and immediately file the womans name in my brain. Something I will, I know be listening out for in future conversations.
He tells me that his flight is leaving at 8am, meaning he will have to leave the house at 4am, so would I mind if he spent the night before at the airport hotel. The others are doing so.
I take a big breath and I say to him that I have no issue with him spending the night before at the hotel, there is only one condition attached. I do not need to tell him what it is. He already knows. But I do tell him so that it isn't an unspoken thing between us, leading to conjecture and doubts later. Clarity and Transparency are all too important in this journey.
He holds me and tells me that he understands.
He tells me that there are four people going - 3 men and a woman. Immediately I am looking for the "old" language. "The Team", "The Guys".... and I watch him intently as he tells me so that I can sense any discernable habits of old.
I ask who is going and immediately file the womans name in my brain. Something I will, I know be listening out for in future conversations.
He tells me that his flight is leaving at 8am, meaning he will have to leave the house at 4am, so would I mind if he spent the night before at the airport hotel. The others are doing so.
I take a big breath and I say to him that I have no issue with him spending the night before at the hotel, there is only one condition attached. I do not need to tell him what it is. He already knows. But I do tell him so that it isn't an unspoken thing between us, leading to conjecture and doubts later. Clarity and Transparency are all too important in this journey.
He holds me and tells me that he understands.
Tuesday 3 March 2009
Today I am thankful for
My youngest daughter who turned 12 and the look of excitement and happiness on her face was priceless
My eldest daughter who is a fantastic human being and is developing a wonderfully dry sense of humour
An old friend from a long time ago, who has always been there in the background for me and will continue to be an inspiration
My husband for his remorse, his consideration and his love for me
My counsellor - she rocks!
My eldest daughter who is a fantastic human being and is developing a wonderfully dry sense of humour
An old friend from a long time ago, who has always been there in the background for me and will continue to be an inspiration
My husband for his remorse, his consideration and his love for me
My counsellor - she rocks!
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