A Look Back at Anger

When I found out about my husband's affair, I had many emotions surging through me.

The strongest was anger. The anger came a few months after I found out. In the first few weeks I was numb with shock and disbelief, thinking that we could never reconcile, I spent days crying, sorry for our lost marriage and relationship, and sad too that our children potentially would no longer be with both parents, as I believe is their right.

Then I got angry, with him and with her.

The anger turned my brain to alphabet soup. I struggled to do even basic things. The best place for me was in my car, driving, where no one could touch me, or speak to me. I feared my anger. It was like something I had never felt before.

Why was I angry? I was angry with both the infidels.

My Husband. I was angry at his weakness in being taken in by her. I was angry that he broke his marriage promises to me, I was angry at how little he thought about the impact of sleeping with a loose tart from the office would have on his families security. I was angry that his immaturity let him think that he could do this and get away with it. I was angry that he appeared to be actively working against our marriage to pursue something that "made him feel good" yet with someone for whom he appeared to have no feelings for.

Jabba the Slut. I am angry with her because she is predatory. She has done this before. She knowns no better. She has not learnt from her mistakes. She hides this personality disorder behind her haughty ways, her sense of entitlement and her underhand behaviours. I am angry that she encouraged my husband knowing from her past experience what the outcome could be. I am angry that she lies continually to get her own way. Hell she couldn't even tell her so called fiance the truth - he had to call my husband to get the truth.

I was angry with myself. For trusting my husband so implicitly. For believing him when he told me I was the love of his life, for not noticing the signs earlier, for not challenging him hard enough when I suspected him in those early days. And I was angry for a time, that I was unfortunate enough to be married to him.

I think that my anger was necessary, I needed an outlet that really let my husband know how I felt about what they had conspired to do against me.

The anger built up over about 5 months, as he trickle-truthed the facts because he was so ashamed of what he had done and moreover, who he had done it with. A serial marraige wrecker.

The more I found out about her, the more angry I became with her. I channelled my anger towards her, after all I had made a heartfelt committment to my husband that we would attempt to reconcile and anger towards him was not helping our recovery.
The anger towards her was encompassing. It turned to hatred. I wanted everyone to know what she had been party to, and I set about trying to damage her and her already poor reputation further. Anger drove behaviours and feelings that I had never felt before. I think back and I am horrified at the things I wanted to do to that woman. There was no respite. Almost every waking hour was consumed by my anger towards her. It kept me awake at night. When I slept, I dreamed that dreadful things would come her way.

I know my anger has dissipated significantly. But I do know this. I see infidelity as cowardly, agressive and arrogant by the people who perpetrate it. And that makes me angry still.

Eventually, though other outlets are needed because the continued feelings and expression of anger is destructive. My anger, although recognised as necessary actually extended our recovery time, for it caused both of us to withdraw from our recovery initially as it impeded on our ability to communicate with clarity.

I am working with my husband with this - he is being hugely supportive and can empathise with the anger stage of our journey. He too feels angry, mostly with him self for being weak and arrogant.